I got a few (much appreciated) emails recently that made it clear my recent posts give the impression that I don’t have much hope of getting pregnant on my own. I can see why people think I feel that way. I suppose I’ve been writing that way. But I want it to be known that I do have hope. I wouldn’t be doing all of this if I thought it had no chance of working. I wouldn’t be putting us through all of this if I thought we could never achieve a pregnancy. This plan is not about regret management, it’s about knowing what our bodies are capable of, given the most ideal (for us) circumstances.
And I BELIEVE our bodies MAY be capable of achieving pregnancy without medical interventions.
But I don’t KNOW that they WILL. And I do know that even pregnancy achieved does not make a healthy baby born. Like I mentioned before, I’m playing the long game now. At the end of this journey, wherever it takes us, I hope to have a second child. Or to feel at peace without one.
The diet–and possibly an IUI in the summer–is plan A. Actually it’s plan B, as plan A (getting pregnant last year without any testing or diet changes) failed miserably. And yes, I am working on plans C and D, because it calms me to know we have other options. At this point, I don’t know if Plans C and D are even viable, either because of financial contraints or spousal unwillingness. Still, right now it helps to research them, because it gives me something to do. It lets me pretend like I have some control.
Last night Mi.Vida and I had a good conversation about Plans C and D. Basically, I want to know if these are even feasible; I don’t want to fall back on options that aren’t actually options. So I broached Plan C (donor embryos) and Plan D (foster-to-adopt) today during our “20 minutes” and asked him if he had any knee jerk reactions. As he’s never even heard of donor embryos before, he couldn’t comment on that. Foster-ingto-adopt concerns him, and understandably. He says he needs to do a lot more research on Plan D and he needs to think about Plan C.
Mi.Vida’s biggest concern is that we have something really good here and we may ruin it by bringing an unknown factor into the equation. Of course that is also true of having another biological child and I hope he is able to tease out his hesitations about parenting a child without a biological connection from his hesitations about having another child at all. I think he will.
I understands his concerns. I too worry that we may complicate a great dynamic by introducing an unknown element. I worry about that with a biological or not-biological child; but I think it’s ultimately a risk that is worth taking.
Not long ago, Mi.Vida and I had a talk about my intense “need” to have another child. He couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be happy with what we already have; didn’t I appreciate our life?
After that conversation I came up with an analogy that I thought might help him understand where I was coming from. Yesterday I shared that analogy:
Right now you like your job. It’s not your dream job but it’s good enough. It’s socially progressive and challenges you professionally. It provides enough money to support your quality of life. Sometimes it even makes you happy. Right now, your life, with your job, is really good.
But how would you feel if someone told you that you couldn’t ever leave your job. You could never get a promotion, never earn more money, never leave to try something else; you would arbitrarily be stuck at that job forever. At the same time all your friends were allowed to leave their jobs. You watch them earn promotions, get raises, start new businesses, get new positions or move to different companies, all while you are stuck where you are, with no explanation of why you have been forced to stay put.
Now, would you be happy? Right now you say life is pretty great, but would it still be great if you suddenly had no choice in how you might shape your future? Would it still be great if you couldn’t ever change the way you spend your days, if you could never look for something more professionally satisfying or lucrative?
Last night, when Mi.Vida said that he really loved our life and was scared to change it, I told him I understood. I reminded him of the conversation that inspired the analogy and shared the hypothetical with him. Then I clarified my feelings on our family. I LOVE our family. I ADORE what we have. It is because of how much I love our family that I want to add to it. I don’t want to change what we have, I want to amplify it. I want to see how Mi.Vida loves another child. I want to watch Isa interact with a sibling. I want to experience the impossible expanding of my heart to incorporate another little miracle.
And I think, after saying all that, Mi.Vida finally understood where I was coming from. It’s not that I’m not appreciative of what we have; it’s not that I don’t love our life. It’s that I love it SO MUCH that I want more.
But it’s important to remember than having another baby might not bring me what I want; it could bring something else entirely and it’s important to make sure I’m aware of that possibility as we move forward. No option is a panacea. Sometimes you can get everything you want and your dreams still don’t come true.
Stumbling Gracefully 
When asked why I want a second child so badly, I often explain that it’s because having one child is so awesome – adding another one is going to DOUBLE THE AWESOME in our lives. Who wouldn’t want that?
I’m glad you are at least open to foster-adoption. K was also not keen on the idea to begin with for various reasons. In the end, he was the one and took the initiative to do more research and read up on the subject to be more comfortable with it. It took a while for him to come around to it, but he eventually did.
Maybe you should suggest some reading material on donor eggs and foster-adoption. That may help him get started.
I completely understand (well, as much as someone without kids can understand) your desire for another baby.
However I would suggest that your analogy is flawed. Yes, right now you feel as if you would be trapped in the same job, with no other prospects of moving or changing, and everyone else has a freedom to choose that you feel you don’t have. I understand that. I’ve felt that too. But what I know now is that life isn’t like that. If – for whatever reason – you didn’t have another child, you wouldn’t be “stuck” in the life you have today. It too would change and grow and expand in ways you can’t imagine.
To use another analogy – you’re in a room, and there are two doors. One is to the family of four, one isn’t. And whichever door you open, there will be happiness and sadness and wonderful surprises. Staying in the room is a temporary state, it’s where you are now, and where you should be right now. But ultimately, one day, you and your family will open one of those doors. And the light will flow in.
You sound positive in this post- and that makes me happy. I think that your analogy is awesome- one that surely any man would understand. I hope with all my heart that Plan B works out, but Plans C and D could be pretty great too!
That’s a great analogy.
And I, too, worry about bringing another child into the family equation – let’s face it, I got pretty darn lucky the first time 🙂 But I guess the heart wants what it wants, and we know we will adjust to whatever we need to adjust to along the way. Either way, there will certainly be delights as well as challenges, right?