11 Months

(All pictures and movies included in this post are from my SIL’s amazing blog).

Isa, please forgive me for being over a week late in writing your 11th month letter. You turned 11 months the day before Mothers Day, which was a crazy grandmother-centric extravaganza that left little time for me to do what I wanted. Needless to say the work week went by and I hadn’t written to you.

I can’t miss this letter because the last month has been so insane. You have grown so much, learned so much, changed so much. I would hate to not have a record of it for posterity.

In the past four (I guess it’s really five) weeks you finally started to crawl. You don’t do it much but now when you need to get somewhere you can get there, face first! You have a tough time on the hardwood floors, which are too slippery, but you can crawl pretty well on the mats in your playroom or the carpets and rugs at your grandparents houses. You don’t ever take more than five of six “steps” before you collapse dramatically onto your tummy but you can do it when you want to. Usually you don’t want to though. What you want to do is stand.

Isa Bear, you LOVE to stand. You pull yourself up everywhere, on the gate in the playroom, in your crib, at the park, on the toy shelves. At first you were very shaky but now you can stand with one hand and throw things around with the other. And man do you love to throw things around. you can trash that playroom in five minutes flat. Literally. You pull your two little boxes out and just grab toys, one by one, flinging them around the room. You can free a bookshelf of its burden in even less time. It’s truly remarkable how quickly you have every board book we own strewn around across the floor.

All this standing and crawling has been getting into the way of your sleeping. It takes you about an hour (sometimes two!) to fall asleep now. Sometimes you don’t take a nap at all. When daddy and I going in to check on you you’re just standing up at the side of your crib, screetching happily (unless you’ve tossed your binki overboard, a very new and particularly annoying trick). I’ve heard this happens when babies become mobile but it’s been weeks now and shows no sign of stopping. I hope it does – you’re expending so much energy now, I know you need your rest.

You also need to eat and you do so with gusto. You’ve learned to feed yourself small solids and revel in the independence of popping puffs into your mouth. There are many casualties and dozens of puffs sacrifice themselves on the kitchen floor but they do so for an honorable cause. My little girl is learning to feed herself! I’m just impressed you can handle a puff on your tongue without gagging – that is a feat in and of itself! Even in your chair you’re on the move. You push yourself away from the table, putting your feet up like a college student on the couch. It’s hysterical, though we can’t let you keep doing it, it’s not very nice manners you know.

All this moving also makes it much harder to change your diaper. You get so fussy when we lay you on your changing table; I have to resort to belly-raspberries, peekaboo, finger munching and the binki-stealing game just to keep you from crying. Sometimes I think you’re fussy just so I’ll play with you. On more than one occasion you’ve been lauging at me while crying (only you could pull this off so effortlessly). You love to get your belly raspberried and you think it’s hilarious when I suck on your binki and you grab it out of my mouth. You always hand it back for me to play the game again and again, until you decide that you actually want it and you greedily pop it in your own mouth. Lately I’ve been munching on your fingers and toes, which you think is ridiculous, especially if I ramp up the sound effects (nom, nom, nom, nom). A good snorting noise goes a long way with Small Bears.

As for noises, you make quite a few yourself. You’re even starting to say “ma ma” and “da da” AND associate them with me and your father. This is very exciting indeed! You seem to have a whole range of new consonants though we hear most only sparingly. Your go-tos are mama, dada, baba, and gaga. I swear sometimes you try to say “gatita” but it’s probably just me.

Buddhism teaches that our children don’t belong to us; we are only stewards guiding them through life. I feel so honored to be your guide and I know you will show me as much, if not more about the world, than I will show you. I only hope I can be the patient, thoughtful, compassionate mother that you deserve.

Thank you for sharing your life with me. I promise to honor the amazing gift of your presence each and every day.

Wordless Wednesdays: Taking Her Sweet Time

Isa has been toying with idea of crawling for about two months now but whenever she tried she went backwards. This past week she finally figured “forwards” out. My sister-in-law posted this movie on her site this Monday. I’m absolutely in love with it.

One thing I love about this post is how long it takes her to just crawl forward already! She sits up, she does some downward dogs, she moves this way and that. Then finally, at the end, she makes her move. It’s like the last three months compressed into two minutes.

If you don’t want to watch the whole thing, skip to about 3/4 of the way to the end. It’s worth it to see the last 20 seconds, I promise.

Monthly Goal FAIL and Logistical Issues of the Heart

Well I got it up. The maiden post of my new blog. This is the response I got at home for my accomplishment.

I have to admit, I’ve been unsure of the direction of my new blog. I wasn’t even sure what I was going to write. But now that it’s started I’m delighted to find I have myriad posts swimming around in my head. I can’t wait to start writing them.

I realized that I never updated on how my goals went for last month. The two I was focusing on were (1) getting in bed by 10:30pm and (2) getting through four lessons on Illustrator. Unfortunately I have to declare a giant FAIL for both. While I did manage to get in bed ay 10:30pm about 2-3 times a week on average, that is not the 5 times a week I had hoped for. In fact, that is achieving my goal about 40%-60% of the time. So I earned an F or D- for myself on that one. I earned an even lower grade on my Illustrator goal, completely 1.5 of 4 lessons. That’s about a 35% – yet another F. Yikes! I’ve never gotten less than a C in my life! I gotta step it up.

Now I’m trying to decide it I want to keep the same goals or start new ones. Part of me feels like I should stick with the same two goals as I didn’t actually achieved them (at all). I especially feel I should keep the “in bed early” goal because that is something I need to start doing to improve my day to day quality of life. So I guess I’ll repeat that goal again. As for the other, I’m not sure. Should I move to the the exercise goal I was passing on until Daylight Savings took effect? Should I attempt three goals? This seems like a hasty move when I failed both goals miserably last time. Still, they are all important to me.

I suppose I will do a mixture of both. I will continue the “getting to bed by 10:30pm” goal. I will modify my Illustrator goal to complete two lessons this month and I will add the exercise goal of running (or fast walking) twice a week. At the end of the month we’ll see if I at least pass these goals with a C or higher. Sheesh.

On an entirely different note, I’ve been trying to decide what my new identity will be on my other blog. Or if I even need a new identity. I’m not sure I could juggle one if I wanted to but part of me feels I really should try.

Right now my “name” on the new blog is “Esperanza” just as it is here. There are pros and cons for keeping it that way. People in the ALI blog world “know me” as Esperanza and using that name keeps a certain continuity, especially with commenting. In fact, commenting is the main reason I feel I should keep my name as Esperanza on the new blog. It just seems it would be too hard to switch back and forth when commenting, using Esperanza on my ALI blogs and a different name on blogs I find through Second Hand Happiness.

As the same time, the name Esperanza is meaningful to me as it relates to one aspect of my life; pregnancy loss and TTC. I choose that word (which means ‘hope’ in Spanish) long before I started my blog, when I had it engraved on a fertility bracelet. I did this even before my loss and wearing it during and after my loss reminded me that even if hope didn’t reside in my head, it still lingered somewhere in my heart. Esperanza is the name I’ve used while supporting other ALI bloggers and asking for their support. It’s the name I use as I continue to navigate my life with the scars of pregnancy loss and the anxieties about TTC ever present. Esperanza represents that part of myself.

One of the reasons I started a new blog for my new project (instead of including it on Stumbling Gracefully) was because I wanted to branch out and see if there were another “me” I was capable of sharing with the world. This “me” would still be touched (very deeply) by her loss and her future worries, but those losses and worries would not be at the forefront of her thinking. They would be in the background, surely influencing her thoughts but not occupying them or being openly discussed. That subtle difference is important and I want it preserved. I feel writing under a different name on Second Hand Happiness might be necessary for me to maintain the distinction. No matter what I decide I better figure it out soon.

Do you blog under an assumed name? Does that name mean something special to you? Do you think I should blog under a new name at Second Hand Happiness? Why or why not?

Slow Days, Not Much to Say

Oh the weekends. A tough set of day for the blog-o-sphere-inclined like myself. Not many posts up. Nothing popping up in my reader. I specifically pruned my blogroll so I’d have more time and now that I do, I can’t fathom how to spend it. Surely there is more to me than my blog and the blogs I follow.

I’m still feeling overwhelmed by shitty-thing-number-three from yesterday. The one I can’t blog about. Or talk about. Because I have no way of getting it out of me it festers, and I can’t see past it to write, or say, anything else.

So in the absence of something else I’ll show you a video of my darling daughter and my mischievous mews. They are a pretty cute pair. It’s a little long so feel free to stop it whenever you want (like I would ever know if you didn’t! Ha!). There is some cute close-ups at the end though.

PS – My daughter taught herself peek-a-boo this morning and I have to admit, it warmed my heart in ways I didn’t think it could be warmed right now. She truly is a miracle.

And now, on to the point of this post: