First of all, thank you so much for your kind comments about the break in. That was by far the most comments I’ve ever gotten on a blog post and it really helped to know that people out there cared about what happened to us.
I really don’t have much to report on that front. We’re still unsure how they got in. We have a new deadbolt on the door and we will be finding a different cleaning lady, one who is recommended to us by someone we know. I feel bad changing cleaning ladies, as I doubt she had anything to do with this, but with the bad timing of this happening only two months after we started using her… we just can’t take the risk. We definitely can’t afford to replace both laptops so we’ll probably be borrowing a desktop from Ben’s website studio and then buying one high powered laptop for us both to share. I don’t know where we’ll get the money for that one machine either.
We’re also looking at getting a new car (new to us at least). I can’t really put any money towards it, except the pay out from AAA on the last car (which ended up being more significant than we expected) so I feel bad saying much of anything about it. I think we should get an older, 2004 with low mileage for about $10,000. Because I drive so much, and we’d be driving with a baby a lot, Mi.Vida thinks we should get a newer, 2007 with almost no mileage for around $16,000. Again, I don’t feel like I can say much of anything because I feel so guilty that I can’t help pay for it. I know that our money is all basically shared at this point, but Mi.Vida’s savings is mostly from before we were together and I feel kind of guilty assuming it’s for us now. I know it is, and I know he wouldn’t think twice about it, but I still feel bad. And, that savings was going to go towards our down payment on a house some day, but I’m worried there won’t be anything left by then.
We’ve been keeping a spreadsheet of all our spending this month, to see how we’ll fair next year when we’re paying for full time childcare. So far we’ve already passed the amount we’ll have left after we’ve paid my SIL for being here 40 hours a week. I’m going to be getting a pay cut, but I also have a lot of credits to turn in so that might just make up for it, almost. We also don’t know how much childcare being tax deductible will help us out. I’ve heard we can even put the money away into a child care account that is never taxed in the first place. If that is the case it might make a significant difference because childcare will end up being a little less than 2/3 of my take home salary. I have to say, the finance side of having a baby is really starting to stress me out. It so doesn’t help that we lost the only things of value we ever owned and have to replace somehow.
I also got the bad news that one of my best friends can’t make it to the baby shower, and probably not at all before the baby is born. Even though I told her before that she didn’t need to come out (she lives all the way in NYC) for the shower I’ve been really upset to know that she actually isn’t. I can’t seem to figure out what about the situation makes me so sad. I think it’s more that she won’t be out at all to experience my pregnancy with me.
This is something I’ve wanted my whole life, it’s definitely the most significant thing to have happened to me ever (except for meeting and falling in love with Mi.Vida, but since we never formally got married there was not big event to mark that). I think I just really want to share it with people and it makes me sad when I can’t, or I feel like I don’t have many people to share it with. I also find myself thinking, I don’t have that one friend who you know, just KNOW, would be at your shower no matter what. I guess only some women are lucky enough to have that kind of best, best friend.
I had a friend like that when I was young but she lived far away. We kept in touch for years, even after we moved away from Hong Kong (where we met) to California and Washington. We’d talk on the phone for hours, visit each other every year. It was great. We had a falling out at the end of college and neither of us really put in the effort to fix the relationship. I’ve been trying to get a hold of her since the winter holidays but she’s only called back once. I’m beginning to think she either doesn’t have time to reconnect with me or just doesn’t want to. I told her in my last voice mail that if I didn’t hear from her I’d assume that was the case.
I feel like I have so many people I could eat dinner with, but not so many I could call about things like this, to talk about how I’m feeing right now. I feel like that is the problem. I could schedule dinners for the next two weeks straight and still have people to see, but I don’t have anyone to call when I’m driving home from work crying about some silly thing that has me super upset.
I want to clarify that I do have some wonderful best friends. One of my friends immediately emailed me to check in about my shitty week after she heard that the other friend couldn’t come out before June. That made me feel very loved and cared for.
I don’t know though. It somehow feels more complicated than it should be. I guess the problem is that I everything having to do with friendship also has to do primarily with emotions. I know my emotions do not always reflect reality. For example, I know that I have a lot of friends but I don’t always feel like that is the case. I know if I needed to talk to someone, I have people I could call, but with schedules and time changes and not wanting to impose on people who have their own problems, I don’t feel like I can call many people when I’m upset. I don’t know if any of this makes sense. Sometimes I think I spend way too much time thinking about this stuff.
The reality is I’m an adult and adult relationships are different from relationships you have in high school, college, even right after college. I think part of this is just growing pains, not just growing into adulthood but also parenthood. And I keep reminding myself that sometimes things are quite the way you want them to be, and it can be difficult, but you just have to get through it. It doesn’t really make me feel any better about the current moment but it does help me put things into perspective.
And of course, I’m so happy to be pregnant and that brings me so much joy. I think that is actually part of why the friend thing is hurting me right now, because I am so happy about it and I don’t feel like I know how to share it with the people in my life. It’s hard when most of my friends are at such different places and have such different ideas about having children. I think I feel like people won’t be able to relate to how I feel. But maybe I’m not giving them the chance in the first place.
Well this turned into a long, rambling diatribe. I’m sorry if it didn’t make much sense, it doesn’t all add up in my head or heart either. I guess I’m just trying to get it out. Sometimes when I do that there is direction by the end. Today not so much. I guess it’s just a hard topic for me to navigate and will continue to be difficult for me. I know I’ll figure it out somehow though.
BUENAS NOTICIAS – The mother of one of my students brought me her collection of porcelain Care Bears gathered during her childhood. (I loved Care Bears as a child and after bringing just two to school, I now have two long windowsills full of Care Bears creating a rainbow of stuffed bear bottoms for all to see.) I thought it was so kind of her to pass on her collection to me. I’m excited to put them up in the nursery.
Stumbling Gracefully 