How is this my life?

I will admit that lately, in fits of vanity, I’ve taken too checking out my own reflection in windows as I’m walking past. Mostly I’m staking out my own baby bump, trying to see if it’s grown any since I last checked my reflection, five minutes before.

During these drive-by bumpings I’ve caught sight of something truly wonderful, me with my semi-noticeable baby bump and my daughter walking beside me. Me, part of the perfect duo of pregnant mom and toddler that I pined after for so long.

I can’t tell you how many times I glimpsed a pregnant mother and her small child while I was trying and wished so fervently that it were me. After our diagnoses I was very much in a place of letting go of that dream. I assumed I would never be pregnant again and I folded that image of my pregnant belly walking alongside my dancing daughter into an origami swan and set it free upon a slow-moving stream. I was sad to watch it float away, but I understood the letting go had to be done.

And yet now I see it–that perfect image I had so carefully folded into something else so that I could set it free–looking back at me. I glimpse it in the quick reflections of Isa and I as we walk past cars on the way to the park. I notice it as we stand in her classroom, waving goodbye to her maestras. I stare straight through it as we brush our teeth before bedtime.

That perfect image of that perfect family that I lusted after for so long, that incredible pairing of potential and perfection, of a child and her sibling-to-be, that is me now. I am a part of that thing that I wanted for so long. And I can’t help asking myself, over and over again, how is this my life? How did I get to be so incredibly lucky?

Lately Isa has been asking more about the “baby in my tummy.” She’ll bring her future sibling up unprompted, reminding me that there is a sister or brother inside me and he or she will grow and grow and then magically become a part of our family. I cherish these conversations almost as much as I cherish the daily flutters of this new baby inside of me. Each moment of this pregnancy is an invaluable gift that I string upon the impossibly beautiful necklace of my life. Sometimes I worry the necklace will break and all these precious moments will spill upon the floor, lost forever. But then I remember than this necklace can’t break. It might end up being shorter than I expected, but each perfect pearl will remain, these incredible moments can never be taken away from me.

I am just so grateful for what I have right now. I wanted this for so long and then I was told I’d most likely never have it. That combination has made living this dream one of the greatest gifts of my life. This pregnancy is a treasure I will always cherish.

UF&FQ: This weekend

Okay y’all, are you ready for some unicorn farts and fairy queefs up in this shit? Because I’m about to go all rainbow sparkly on your ass. Seriously.

(And I know this is a somber day for many, but honestly, I just needed to put something positive out there today. I hope I don’t offend anyone by doing so. Oh, and if you want some AMAZEBALLS awesomesauce, go read Keiko’s fabulous news. It’s cool, I’ll wait. Her’s is better than mine anyway. ;))

This weekend was good. For a lot of reasons. On Friday I went to Target and bought a shit load of new clothes. I’ve been hemming and hawing about buying new clothes because, well next month I might be pregnant and it’s silly to buy clothes when they might not fit three months from now. But for some reason I walked into Target on Friday, intending to get a few quick things, and instead I found myself in the women’s clothing section and they had waffle-knit shirts and I LOVE waffle-knit shirts and it’s been years since I’ve found really cute ones and they had SO MANY and I just grabbed one in every color and then I grabbed some bring turquoise cords and some muted purple skinny jeans and some t-shirts and some sweaters and sure it was a huge blow to my Target RED card but you know what, it made me so good. SO FUCKING HAPPY. And for once, I almost hope I don’t get pregnant because man, I really want to wear these cute clothes for a few months. Honestly. I do.

As my good friend Jjiraffe says, Fashion Heals.

On Saturday afternoon I took Isa down south to nap at my parents’ before a friend’s party. Before her nap we needed to get lunch so we stopped at my favorite taco place. One of my favorite things is sharing what I love with my daughter and I had a great time introducing her to horchata, one of my favorite drinks. Needless to say, Isa was a big fan (horchata is a sweet almond milk with cinnamon, so no surprise that she wanted ¡MAS POR FAVOR!). We had a blast at lunch, which was nice because lately going out with her has been a real challenge.

;

After Isa’s nap (which ended up being three and half hours long!) we went to my friend’s party. There were a bunch of first and second graders there and they were so cute with Isa, jumping with her on the trampoline for hours.

She was in heaven. At one point I was remarking at how great all the kids were being with Isa and my friend mentioned that it was extra curious because they were all only children. That seemed odd to me so later I wasn’t that surprised when I learned that two of the women there were IF veterans. One adopted a child from Korea after several failed IUIs (they were afraid they’d blow all their money on IVF so moved straight to adoption after those failed) and another got pregnant with her son on her fifth IVF cycle. Both had wanted to have more kids but didn’t have the emotional and financial reserves to further build their families. My friend was only able to have one child because she was diagnosed with breast cancer when her daughter was one year old and was told she should not get pregnant again.

It was strange to be there in the company of women who had not only suffered IF but were speaking about it openly. There was something about the whole experience that made me feel, I don’t know, less alone. I haven’t left a party feeling that way in a long time.

On Sunday, my BFF Jjiraffe and I made time to get together and talk and man, was it nice. There is no substitute for sitting across from a good friend with a spiced pumpkin chai latte. Truly. I am so thankful to have J in my life. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

Finally, last night I found my pearl necklace, the one I bought after my miscarriage. I couldn’t find it during the move and was sure it was lost, but today I randomly spotted it while rifling through a drawer looking for safety pins. I was elated to have it back again, right in time for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

To top it all off, Mi.Vida and I randomly, just luck of the every other day draw, hit my O date perfectly yesterday. Between the good timing, the acupuncture (which I go to today), the increased CM (thank you B6!) and Mi.Vida actually remembering to take his Fertility Blend for Men this month, I can feel my hope soaring to dangerous heights. And that’s okay. At least for now. I’ll spend the rest of the 2WW tempering that hope. Today I’m just going to revel in it.

So yeah, it was a really good weekend.

If you’re not all unicorn-fart-and-fairy-queefed out after that, I applaud you. You are a more positive person than I.

UF&FQ: A fantabulous day

First of all, thank you all for your kind comments on my last post. I know, rationally, that Isa’s behavior is understandable, and that she is learning valuable skills that will be used countless times throughout her life. And honestly, I am very happy with her being at a school that is close to home, where they speak Spanish and the teachers obviously care for her very much. We have to so much to be thankful for. But I just feel overwhelmed, with her behavior at home and with not knowing much about her behavior at school. It’s hard to feel so in the dark about all of it, because no matter how much I speak to her teachers (and I speak to them daily) I can never really KNOW what she’s like there, how she’s really doing, if she’s a pleasure for the other kids to be around or a nuisance they try to avoid. I guess this is just the first taste of letting my daughter out into the real world, and it’s as a hard a transition for me as it is for her.

Okay all, are you ready for some unicorn farts and fairy queefs? Because they are headed your way!!!!!

Today, Isa and I had a really good morning. My husband’s music website/podcast had a big event today so he was up and out of the house at 5am. Isa slept in until 7:45 and by some small miracle, so did I.

We both woke up refreshed and thankful to have the morning together. After breakfast and a viewing of Elmo’s Potty Time (while I washed dishes and picked up around the house) we went outside to clean off this used Little Tikes log cabin that my mom procured for us (for free!). The things was pretty dirty so I got hot, soapy water and some sponges and brushes and Isa and I went at it. She sat next to me, scrubbing away at the plastic walls and I realized for the first time in her life, we were doing something together, actually working toward the same goal. It was an incredible feeling and we both seemed to revel in it.

She somehow remained interested for almost the entire hour and a half it took to wash the whole thing off (bubbly water definitely helped keep her attention) and by the time lunch rolled around we were both contentedly tired and ready for a break.

Later my parents came over with some more stuff for the back yard and an hour later Isa had a new log cabin and a little slide thing. Oh, plus they brought her a little foot powered car. (All of this was free by the way! Score!)

(I love how my dad is photo-bombing the one on the left.)

While my parents were there my in-laws came to take Isa for the afternoon so I could meet up with my friends. Isa squealed with joy to see both sets of grandparents in the same room and I was struck by how incredibly lucky we are to have such involved and amazing parents so close. Truly, I feel like we won the grandparent lotter two times. It seems almost unfair how fantastic our set up is, both parents help so much with both Isa and our new house. We are truly blessed.

After everyone had left, I had a whole hour to myself to shower and clean up before my guests arrived (and man, did both the house and I need some attention). Then I got to show my new house to my two dearest friends (I LOVE YOU J & BB!) before we headed to my husband’s event.

It was a gorgeous day out and the three of us enjoyed visiting all the vendors (today’s event had music, food trucks and vendors selling their unique wares). I found one of my favorite vendors, a man who makes these incredibly comfortable pants, skirts, and shirts that I’ve bought before and loved. I was so excited to see him again (he’s been AWOL the past two years) that I bought an ungodly amount of clothes, but I don’t even feel bad because honestly, with my extra 7 pounds nothing feels comfortable anymore, and I just need some new color in my life right now (more on that later). So I got some stretchy pants, dresses and tops and I cant’ wait to wear them. It’s a welcome change from the melancholy and frustration I feel most mornings when I get dressed.

So all in all, it was a really lovely day. Truly, sitting here typing I feel very content. And I am so thankful for all that I have in my life. This amazing new house, my wonderful daughter, my amazing partner, my incredible friends and some fantastic new clothes. There, if you’re not suffocating from unicorn farts and fairy queefs by now, you are a more tolerant person that I.

I hope you all had a great Saturday as well.

Abiding with all of you,

E

Unicorn Farts and Fairy Queefs: Take 1

I made a promise recently to write more about the good in my life, so that I might assuage people’s concerns that I am a miserable shut-in who scrawls her BBT charts on the wall in menstrual blood or something (I don’t
do that by the way, I promise). Ever since I wrote that post, and since I was further reminded that my blog is a 98% negative place, I’ve been thinking of fairy queef posts I can write here.

And I’ve been thinking and I’ve been thinking and I realized something.

I don’t really like writing fairy queef posts. I don’t really love reading them either.

(Maybe this is my problem? Either one of the causes or one of its symptoms?)

The truth is, I don’t have a lot of interest in recounting the many wonderful things in my life. I guess I also don’t really see the purpose. When I write about that which is bothering me I further process it, I make sense of it so that I can handle it better in my own life. Writing about the good in my life doesn’t help me to better myself. It almost feels self-aggrandizing, like gloating, especially here where I know the people reading are going through their own shit.

But maybe there is some hidden purpose in it. Maybe if I take the time to write about the good in my life I will see it more clearly, or at least find it more difficult to look past it. Perhaps if I write about the happy crap, I will in fact, be happier. Who knows!? I sure as hell don’t but at this point, after all that has happened both here and in my real life, I’m willing to try anything (well anything besides cleaning my house or dieting or a shit ton of other things I’m not interested in trying).

So I’m going to give it a shot. I’m going to write at least one post a week that is so chalk full of unicorn farts and fairy queefs you won’t be able to see straight after reading it. These posts will be such incredible admissions of all that is amazing in my life that you will hardly recognize the author, nor her life. It might take me a while to get into the swing of things. The first posts might seem a little all over the place, but hopefully, over time, I will get there and these posts will become the crown jewels in the archives on my blog. Haha! Unicorn Farts and Fairy Queefs HERE I COME!

So, here is my first attempt. If you’re not interesting in hearing about how great things are between Mi.Vida and I, despite the shit storm swirling around us, feel free to click away. 😉

If you’ve been reading here any length of time you’d know that Mi.Vida and I have endured our fair share of struggles. Things between us have been… complicated. There were many issues on which we struggled to come to agreement. We spent the last six months in couples counseling trying to determine when we should have another child (one of myriad topics discussed).

We eventually came to an agreement on when to start trying again and, as you well know, we stuck it. We also plunged feet first into house hunting and actually, (gasp, shock, horror) found one that should belong to us within a matter of weeks.

I’m not sure what exactly helped mend things between us but lately we’ve been doing really well. Perhaps it’s that we’re both very committed to our current goals, and with equal fervor. Mi.Vida has been nothing but supportive of me during the times when I’ve struggled with TTC. He has never been anything but enthusiastic about our scheduled sex and he has even found new and surprising ways to make it extra fun. 😉

The truth is, I can’t really put my finger on what is different, we just seem to be resonating on the same frequency. When we sit next to each at the end of the night, whether we’re watching something together or working on our computers, we’re just… content. We joke around a lot and laugh easily, and frequently. And despite the stress and exhaustion we have energy to interact with each other.

I’ve been thinking actually, as I’ve labored over this post (oh my god, this is taking so LONG! I don’t know what to say or how to say it!) as to why it might be that things are so good between us. I mean so many of the same triggers are still present: the house is a total shit show (my inability to keep it clean is a point of contention, ESPECIALLY when I’m home on summer break), and Mi.Vida is not helping with packing in the ways I want him to, but we still seem to be showing each other a lot of respect and appreciate for what the other IS doing, despite what they are NOT doing. Like Mi.Vida is really thankful for all the packing that I’m doing and I’m aware of the incredible stress he’s been under at work with all the media appearances he’s had to give and press releases he’s had to write.

Not shockingly, mutual respect and appreciation can be the glue that holds a successful relationship together. Who knew!

So yeah, things between us have been really good lately and after a significant amount time during which that wasn’t the case, I’m so thankful for our current marital satisfaction. I never, not for one day, take it for granted.

So, what do you think guys? UNICORN FARTS AND FAIRY QUEEFS DELIVERED!?