Feeling like a fake

I feel like a fake. Only hours after I published my last post I got an email from a friend relaying that all her genetics testing had come back great and things looked wonderful. Suddenly the week until my own NTU stretched endlessly in front of me and I couldn’t fathom how I’d get through it. I don’t know what from her email could trigger such an intense response, but it did. I went from honestly feeling pretty good about the NTU to needing to know the results RIGHT NOW. That is what it is, it’s needing to know RIGHT NOW. I even emailed my doctor begging her to try to find an earlier appointment. I swear, it’s like I morph into another person that I don’t even recognize.

I’m so sick of feeling this way. I’m so tired of the anxiety and the way it makes time move at a snail’s pace. Rationally I know I’ll make it to next Wednesday some how but there are times when I literally fear the wait will drive me insane. I worry I will not be able to make it to that date which lingers so impossibly far in the future. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s a horrible feeling. I was talking to my mom about it yesterday and I started sobbing. This anxiety is winning. I’m losing the battle, no matter how hard I try to keep it together. I am losing and it’s horrible.

Of course there is medicine, and if I knew that Zoloft would really alleviate my anxiety substantially I would be on it right now, screw the wait until week 16. But I don’t know for sure that it will help and because of that I don’t think of it as a panacea. I’m definitely still considering it (more than considering it, I’m almost assuming I’ll be on it in January) but I don’t assume it will solve all my anxiety related problems. I hope it does help though, or I’m in trouble.

This week has been crazy. I had one of those days yesterday where nothing was ready for any class. I spent all day trying to get up to speed and never got there. It was tough. I also had an appointment at my district office to talk about job sharing next year. Long story short I have pretty much no options and feel devalued as a human being and employee. Now I need to make some hard decisions about what I’m going to do next year. I’ll write about all that more later.

The super cold weather continues plus some nice storms. I have a ton of grad school work due Sunday, and it’s actually due because Sunday is the last day of the class. I’ll be so relieved to be done with grad school for three weeks (at least done with the hard stuff).

I’m feeling sick again. Morning sick. Yesterday I had to dash out of my room (luckily my principal was around to cover me) and throw up my lunch. This morning, after only a few gulps of water, I had to exit the freeway so I could puke all down the side of my car. It was so embarrassing. Today I felt pukey all day and I’m starting to think maybe my “morning” sickness is back for an extended stay. At 13 weeks, I’m really hoping that is not the case.

Now I’m off to my staff holiday party. Mi.Vida and I are telling everyone our “big news” tonight. I hope it goes well.

BUENAS NOTICIAS – Some how, some way, I will be done with this grad school class in about 48 hours.

Feeling Good Again

I’m feeling so good today, I can hardly describe it. I don’t feel sick at all, and knowing that Frijolito was fine yesterday means I can enjoy it. It’s not just that I don’t feel sick, but that I really feel like myself again. I can’t quite put my finger on it but a fog has been lifted and I recognize myself for the first time in many weeks.

Today was a holiday and I didn’t have work. I did manage to get up at a reasonable hour but did  not manage to get much done. I did call my grad school professor and figured out what I’m doing (more or less) for the assignment that was due last Sunday. So now I know what to do, but I certainly haven’t gotten it done. I graded one set of papers, but I was supposed to do them yesterday so that doesn’t really help. That means I have two more sets to get done tonight, or tomorrow during class if I can swing that. I did get a sink full of dishes done, one load of laundry, walked to get the veggie box and met my sister and Mi.Vida for lunch downtown. I guess that is a pretty good day, all in all. Right now I’m meeting with my friend to see Chris Rock’s Good Hair. I shall have a full report upon my return.

I hope you’re all enjoying this day. It’s so nice to feel happy and upbeat again. I’m really, really enjoying it.

BUENAS NOTICIAS – I’ve only eaten two meals today and I feel fine. Just like I used to.

From “Freaking out” to “Resolution”

The first part of this blog was written at work today… when I was freaking out. I never got around to finishing it and posting it, but I feel like I should include it here, so people know what I where I was emotionally. It was a tough day. The second part of this post is being written after my appointment at Kaiser. I’ll let you get to that part.

FREAKING OUT

Well I’m officially freaking out. I don’t really feel sick anymore and now I’m freaking out. At just 8.5 weeks my morning sickness seems to be gone. This morning I even felt really hungry without a twinge of needing to gag. I know I should be happy about this, but it’s only making me very, very nervous. Of course when I google “disappearing pregnancy symptoms” I get pages upon pages about miscarriage. I don’t let myself open those, but their simple presence sends me into panic mode. Then I find the random strand on some website where a ton of women post about having lost pregnancy symptoms here and there and I feel better. But only marginally.

Before I go any farther I do want people to know that I booked an ultrasound for 3:40pm today. I am so relieved to have that appointment but it is also making this day tortuous!  I guess it would have been anyway. So keeping in mind that I will definitively know is everything is okay or not later today, I will proceed.

I went to therapy again last night. I realized talking to my therapist how terrified I am for my appointment next week (now today AND next week). I am so terrified to loss this pregnancy. The last loss was so devastating and it took me all summer to get over it. Now I don’t have the luxury of a summer break, instead I have a full time teaching job with grad school on top of that. I don’t know how I would ever get over a miscarriage with that scenario. I really don’t.

I guess I would have to though. That is the reality, I will have to get through it. I mean what other options are there?  Be institutionalized? Commit suicide? I’m not trying to belittle either of those things, I know people, people very close to me, who have done both. Maybe that is why I’m so afraid, because I know how bad it can get for people. Also, I’ve suffered from depression long enough to be worried about suffering from it again. And losing this pregnancy would definitely have the power to throw me into a really horrible depression. Which would require going back on medication, which would be hard to work TTC around. God, why am I being so morbid right now?

I know there things might be okay, could be okay. I know this. I’m hanging on to that hope. But this is the first time I’ve really been afraid that my pregnancy could be over. I’m so scared.

RESOLUTION

Getting through today was torture. My god did the periods drag on! I skipped out a little early and barely made it to Kaiser on time. Of course I ended up waiting over an hour to be seen. I didn’t have any reading material and had to play countless games of iQuiz Movie Edition on my iPod while I waited. I finally won the last game! (Me:1 iQuiz: 27)

Anyway, the OBGYN came in and she was so nice. Her face and demeanor were very kind and I immediately liked her. I was so glad that she was going to be the one seeing me in my super anxious state.

She got right down to business, brandishing the “dildo cam” as I’ve heard it called on other people’s blog (I’m sorry that I’m blanking on who exactly to give credit to, because credit is certainly due). For what felt like an eternity she didn’t seem to be able to find what she was looking for. The yolk sac was definitely there, and something was inside it, but I didn’t see anything resembling the heartbeat and she didn’t say anything to assuage my fears. It was the longest, most excruciating minute of my life. Then finally she pointed out the heartbeat and also that the baby was moving. Frijolito has a distinct baby shape now, with limbs and everything! And he’s moving around. It was so surreal to see him move. And we definitely saw a heartbeat. I asked again about measuring the heartbeat and this time she told me that she didn’t even know how to do it on this machine. WHAT?! But she did count it for me herself and said it looked just fine. I couldn’t believe how much bigger Frijolito looked. Two weeks can really change things.

So now I get to be excited that I don’t feel sick and that I generally feel more like myself. What a relief! All day I was almost hoping to feel sick and now I can spend tomorrow, which is a holiday for me, eating when I want because I’m hungry and not because I’m worried I will dry heave. What a refreshing concept.

I know that things are not definitively okay, but they are for now. Seeing a heartbeat at 8.5 weeks makes me feel pretty good, hopeful would be an accurate word. So I will leave you all with feelings of gratitude that things are okay and hope that things will continue to be okay.

I tried to post a picture before but I needed to download new printer/scanner drivers since my 10.6 install (best thing I ever did by the way!). The scanner is now working again and here is the newest picture of Frijolito! A definite baby shape, right?!

8w4d scan

BUENAS NOTICIAS – I had a great moment in class today during a “story” that I was telling in Spanish. In the story the student had to “llama por teléfono” or call on the phone, so I gave her an old cell phone of mine that is broken to use as a prop. One of my students stood up and said, “Is that a Jitterbug phone?” I laughed so hard! How old do they think I am? The reality is it does kind of look like a Jitterbug phone. If you don’t know what a Jitterbug phone is, it’s a cell phone for older folks who can’t use cell phones. There are two kinds, one with giant numbers so those with failing eye sight can press the right buttons and a second model, for those of the I-can’t-use-this-confounded-technology persuasion, with just a giant button that calls an operator who connects you to your contacts (which they keep on file)! How insane is that?! If you come across a commercial while searching online, I highly recommend you watch it.


Feeling stressed about food

I have no time to be writing this. It’s 4:30 and I have barely started one of the two grad school assignments that I’m supposed to have finished by 9pm tonight. I can easily ask for an extention and I probably will, so it’s not getting them done in time that’s stressful, but just getting them done. Because if I don’t get them done tonight, I need to finish them sometime next week, when I should be working on the next grad school assignments.

I’m writing this because I just had a minor break down with Mi.Vida. It was a break down centered around our CSA farm box, around time to cook, and most basically around food.

We have had issues with our box for a long time. I’m a picky eater who hasn’t historically enjoyed fruits and veggies very much. I’m also lazy and historically have hated to cook. I’ve become better at both but they are still not my favorite things in the world. We started getting a box after taking it for a couple of weeks when a friend was out of town. We liked the way it made us eat more healthily and cook more. So we decided to get one ourselves. It causes me a lot of stress because again, I’m not a big fan of a lot of what comes in the box and I hate to make time to cook whatever that stuff is, especially on the week days. Mi.Vida is much more positive about the box and puts all of it away every Wednesday, right after throwing away what we didn’t end up eating. He is “in charge” of the box and does a good job with that responsibility. I basically refuse to let it stress me out more than it already does and he is accepting of that stance.

Anyway, lately we’ve been really bad about using what is in the box. I started complaining about it again and we had a few “conversations” concerning what we should do (whether we should keep getting it or not). Today we had another one of those conversations, mostly because we haven’t cooked anything from it (we got it Wednesday) and we’re both really busy today and didn’t know when or what we would cook. So I get all defensive about it and Mi.Vida follows suit. Then I start to feel sick and go lie down (without saying why I was lying down) and Mi.Vida gets frustrated and walks away. So I realize I’m feeling very stressed out because the stir fry we’re talking about making quickly tonight doesn’t sound at all enticing, even though I’ve loved it in the past, and I’m reminded suddenly that nothing I used to like seems enticing anymore and then I’m back in the living room talking to Mi.Vida again.

And this time, it all comes flooding out. I just lose it, saying that I feel like I spend all day every day thinking about food and feeling sick, and what I can eat and when, to not feel sick. I’m constantly planning out when I’m eating and how long I can last until I have to eat again and what I’ll get where if I start feeling sick and it’s totally exhausting. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten in my car without saltines, then found myself stuck in traffic trying not to dry-heave because I feel so bad again. I eat all the time and I don’t enjoy most of it. I only want to eat white foods and I’m getting more and more heartburn after each meal. The whole thing has taken over my life in a very negative way. And even today, when I don’t feel that bad, and I’m certainly not debilitated by it, I’m still not interested in eating a good-for-me stir fry that I usually really, really enjoy.

I think today, for the first time, I realized how much all of this has been affecting me. I’m also starting to realize that if I do lose this pregnancy, I will not only be devastated but I will also be angry – angry that I spent all this time feeling this way and for nothing. I have a new found sympathy for people who lose their pregnancies in week 9, 10, 11, 12. I can only imagine anything later. Early pregnancy is so hard in so many ways, and the whole time you’re not even sure if it’s going to amount to anything.

So tonight I’m going to make stir fry and hope that I can eat it. Then I’m going to go back to grad school work and be resigned to the fact that I’m going to have to a ton more to do Monday, Tuesday and definitely Wednesday when I don’t have work. Thank goodness I have therapy again tomorrow.

BUENAS NOTICIAS – Mi.Vida got me the new Magic Mouse and I had to install 10.6 to use it. 10.6 is AWESOME and the new Magic Mouse it too. Suddenly navigating my 100 page grad school document doesn’t seem so bad.

Thank Goodness It’s Friday

I didn’t want to write TGIF because I feel like that has connotations of drinking margaritas or beers after work and I certainly won’t be doing any of that. What I will be doing is going to acupuncture and then a Warriors game for my good friend’s birthday. It should be fun, but I’m going to be exhausted.

I’m going to be exhausted because I did not sleep well last night. First of all, I went to bed late because I didn’t do yin yoga until after my late therapy appointment, plus I was getting in a load of laundry that I needed for the Warriors game this afternoon. So I didn’t go to bed until 11pm, which is way past my bedtime and then I woke up when Mi.Vida came home from his concert. And then I woke up about ten more times when Mi.Vida would do this horrible snoring thing where he’d stop breathing and then have this massive, booming snore when he started breathing again. For some reason I didn’t think to ask him to turn over until well into the morning so I did not get much sleep at all. And the first thing I did when I woke up this morning was bark at him about it. I immediately felt horrible for doing that.

Anyway, therapy last night was really good. I didn’t realize how much some stuff was bothering me until I was crying about it to my therapist. But by the end of the hour I did feel considerably better and pretty proud of how well I’ve been handling everything. I did talk a lot about how I don’t feel much like myself right now. There are times when I get in a place where I absolutely don’t recognize myself at all. Like yesterday I came home and tried to take a nap. But laying there I quickly realized that I was hungry, which was making me feel sick, and I just couldn’t ignore it at all (this can be more upsetting than you might realize). So before I knew it I was boiling water for noodles while I chopped strawberries for a smoothie. Five minutes later I was eating the noodles ravenously (with just olive oil and salt I might add) while watching my smoothie in the blender. Fast forward another 5 minutes and I was chugging the smoothie between bites of pasta while gchatting with my friend about how I don’t even recognize myself anymore. It was all very disconcerting. And you might think (as my friend did) that noodles and a smoothie is not that weird, and I would concur. It’s not what I did, but more how I did it that bothered me. I really felt like I was being taken over by something much bigger than myself.

After all that I did take my nap, and it was timed nicely because Mi.Vida woke me up with “smooches” as I had requested earlier in the day. But I have to say, when I take these naps I’m out of commission for 30 or so minutes after I wake up because I’m still so tired I feel almost sick. It used to be I woke up after a 30, maybe 45 minute nap feeling pretty refreshed. Now I have to be awoken from an hour+ nap (I’ve easily slept past 2 hours) and I don’t feel refreshed at all. Again, I do not feel like myself lately.

Anyway, after my nap Mi.Vida and I just hung out before he headed to a concert and I went to therapy.

When I got home I immediately put in some laundry and then swept the floors so I could put down my yoga mat. I did an hour of yin yoga and it felt amazing. I could absolutely feel my energy moving more freely through my body. Before I went to bed I cleaned the bathroom because suddenly I could see how absolutely disgusting it was and we have a guest coming up for the football game tomorrow. Hence I did not crawl into bed until 11pm.

Today I feel so tired I almost feel sick. I have absolutely no interest in being at school. I can’t eat lunch with my staff because my advisory class gets their pizza lunch today, a reward for selling the most magazines in the 5th grade earlier this year. This means my classroom will be trashed by the time the bell rings for 5th period. I have to run right over to acupuncture so I can run right downtown when I get home to grab dinner with Mi.Vida before we BART over to the East Bay for the Warriors game. My big plan is to sleep on the BART and hopefully that will get me through the game and then back home again.

Tomorrow is a later afternoon football game and Sunday is grad school work, grading papers and cleaning house. Man oh man, all I want to do is sleep until Monday…

BUENAS NOTICIAS – Yesterday a woman who is an aid for one of our 5th grade students guessed that I was pregnant and I didn’t deny it. It was fun to tell someone and share my experience with them. Today she showed up with a bag of “goodies” for me: a 12 pack of Ginger Ale, Saltines and Mini-Saltines. I thought that was very sweet of her.

I think apologies are in order

First of all, thank you everyone for your kind words in regards to my last post. I want to apologize for painting a bleaker picture than I think the situation warranted. I think I’m just now realizing that this pregnancy can effect even the way my head works. I remember reading in a miscarriage book that while pregnant, some woman can have a hard time keeping their train of thought. They easily get distracted, forget what they were doing, or just can’t quite pull things together. Not all women deal with this, but many do. I think I am one of those women, and knowing that makes it a lot easier to handle.

I also started reading more of No Death, No Fear and, again, I am enjoying it quite a bit. I’m going to finish it this time because I think it has a lot of wonderful teachings that ground me in helpful realizations. Acceptance feels much more attainable after just a few pages of Thich Nhat Hanh’s wisdom.

As for not feeling well, that is going to happen. I desperately wanted to be pregnant and now I am and I can’t pick and choose what that experience will be like. I promised Mi.Vida I wouldn’t complain too much, and now, when I do, I argue that I’m “informing” not “complaining”. But the last two days have been especially bad, I’ve had really violent vomiting episodes both mornings and I’ve felt just sick both days. I can inform all of you right now that feeling nauseous all day is not fun. But I know this will pass, and I’ve read in two books that people who experience morning sickness are 1/3 to 1/2 less likely to miscarry. Percentages don’t bring me a lot of comfort, but sometimes that makes me smile when I’m so sick I can’t even leave the toilet to get more saltines (I’ve definitely started to loathe saltines by the way, simply loathe them).

I did get a lot done this weekend though. I finally did some dishes that had been sitting on the stove since Monday. I also swept a few floors and did two loads of laundry. I cooked dinner on Saturday night and got a ton of grad school work done Sunday. I also graded three classes worth of tests.  I did all this while taking care of Mi.Vida, whose been sick with either my cold, or the flu or both. He stayed home today with a low grade fever and general body aches. Right now he’s passed out on the couch (for some reason our bed was not a good place to nap). Anyway, so I did a ton of work this weekend while taking care of Mi.Vida, who is quite whiny when he’s sick (not that I am not) and requires that I wait on him all day (well I choose to wait on him).

So that is where I am right now. I do want to apologize for the pity party yesterday. I am feeling a little out of sorts, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. Being sick last week, feeling kind of nauseous most days and being dead tired by 3pm is taking it’s toll. But I have to get my school work done, and my grad school work, not matter how bad I feel. This is okay. I can do it. I just need to give myself extra time and extra understanding when things don’t happen in the manner or at the speed with which I’m accustomed. I know Kate at Bee in the Bonnet is dealing with these same issues right now. Maybe we can navigate them together.

Thank you all for reading as I stumble through this pregnancy. I really appreciate your support.

Still struggling

Well, “status: in rough shape” continues. I actually felt worse yesterday than Sunday, and maybe even Saturday. I threw up for real for the first time yesterday, twice. Once in my bathroom, after I had taken my Chinese herbs, which seemed to go down relatively easy, but then were in the toilet about two minutes after I had taken them. I also puked for the first time behind my classroom. I actually mostly puked in my hand out the way out the back door. When I looked up, there was a man staring at me. It was so embarrassing.

At lunch I had a fever of 100.6 and felt horrible. I thought about leaving early but it’s such a pain in the butt to have people cover and it would probably be the same two teachers who were nice enough to cover for me during my doctor’s appointment on Friday. So I waited it out and went home right afterward.

At home I got in my PJs and camped out on the couch. I watched Fe.ar and Loa.thing in Las Vegas for the first time in years. I also was hungry, really hungry for the first time in at least a week. I just made myself fresh pasta noodles with a little olive oil and salt and they stayed down great. I ate more during that meal without feeling sick than I have in over a week.

I napped for a while after the movie then tried to read some of Avoiding Plagiarism which I have to read for my grad school class on research writing. I actually felt good enough to do an hour of yin yoga, which I think was a great help. My neck and back have been very tight from all the coughing and after an hour of meditative stretching I felt much more centered and ready to sleep through the night.

And I did sleep through the night, albeit with a lot of waking up, I did get 8 hours of sleep. I had broken down last night and given myself a shot of Afrin in one nostril because I just couldn’t handle feeling that solid block on one side of my face. I also gargled with salt water to calm my sore throat.  The Afrin worked all night and the sore throat never came back with a vengeance, so all in all, it was an okay night. I did wake up a lot, a couple times to go pee (this is a new thing for me) and a couple times just because I was uncomfortable. But I was always able to fall back asleep pretty quickly.

So today I’m back at school. My morning sickness is not nearly as bad as yesterday morning, which of course makes me a little nervous, but I’m trying to take it in stride. I know that symptoms will come and go and I really want to enjoy the days I don’t feel nauseous instead of be worried about them. I have done quite a bit of dry heaving today, so I guess maybe I’m just being silly anyway.

Tomorrow is my actual prenatal visit. Mi.Vida is taking off work a third time in two weeks to come with me. I can’t tell you how much it means to me that he is doing this with me. I specifically moved to an obgyn in San Francisco so he could come to appointments with me and the fact that he is taking time off work to come and be involved fills me with gratitude. It’s also nice to know that he’ll be around if I ever get bad news at the doctor’s office.

Today I have acupuncture and my class at the Zen center. I’d skip the Zen center class but I missed last week and it wasn’t cheap to sign up in the first place. Plus I find it to be a very interesting class, so hopefully I can go. I’m very excited for acupuncture. I want her to give my immunity a boost and do calming points on my uterus, which has been kind of crampy since this weekend. She also might be able to help with my cough. We shall see.

BUENAS NOTICIAS – I didn’t feel nauseous at all during dinner yesterday and that felt really nice.