After much work, our nursery is pretty much done. I have to say, I’m totally enamored of it. I still get nervous that something will happen and its presence will cause me even more pain than I would have felt otherwise, but I try not to dwell on the uncertain. I took some pictures of it today with my phone (we still can’t download photos from our point-and-shoot) so I could share them with others. It’s a small room but we’ve done a lot with it. I hope you enjoy these pictures!

BUENAS NOTICIAS – I had my baby shower at work today. My staff was very generous with their presents and their kind words. I’ll post more about it very soon!

Nursery Set Up – Check!

I’ve written a lot on this blog about the anxiety I feel about setting up the nursery. Despite these fears I decided to go ahead and have my mom and dad come up today and put together the changing table and crib as we had originally planned. I have to say, after we got started I was already feeling better. I still have so much anxiety about losing this baby, but I have realized that having to take apart the nursery will be the least of my worries if the unthinkable happens.

So the only two pieces of furniture that will fit in the nursery are in there, ready go to. I also put in the crib bedding because I love it and wanted to see how it looked. On the wall I have hung my baby blanket, which my mom recently found and washed for me. The colors are perfect in the baby’s room and I’m so happy to use my old blanket.

Seeing everything in the room makes me realize that we’ll need some more little things here and there. Most of them were purchased today and will be coming sometime this week. I can’t wait to put the finishing touches on the nursery in the coming month.

I have to say, seeing everything in there makes me even more impatient for the baby to come. Sometimes 2.5 months seems way too far away. Other moments it seems like not nearly enough time. I guess that is how it works.

Here are some picts of the nursery. They aren’t great because unfortunately I can’t download shots from my point-and-shoot, which is a better camera to use in such a small room. Oh well, you’ll get the picture (no pun intended).

Feeling a bit forlorn

First of all, thank you so much for your kind comments about the break in. That was by far the most comments I’ve ever gotten on a blog post and it really helped to know that people out there cared about what happened to us.

I really don’t have much to report on that front. We’re still unsure how they got in. We have a new deadbolt on the door and we will be finding a different cleaning lady, one who is recommended to us by someone we know. I feel bad changing cleaning ladies, as I doubt she had anything to do with this, but with the bad timing of this happening only two months after we started using her… we just can’t take the risk. We definitely can’t afford to replace both laptops so we’ll probably be borrowing a desktop from Ben’s website studio and then buying one high powered laptop for us both to share. I don’t know where we’ll get the money for that one machine either.

We’re also looking at getting a new car (new to us at least). I can’t really put any money towards it, except the pay out from AAA on the last car (which ended up being more significant than we expected) so I feel bad saying much of anything about it. I think we should get an older, 2004 with low mileage for about $10,000. Because I drive so much, and we’d be driving with a baby a lot, Mi.Vida thinks we should get a newer, 2007 with almost no mileage for around $16,000. Again, I don’t feel like I can say much of anything because I feel so guilty that I can’t help pay for it. I know that our money is all basically shared at this point, but Mi.Vida’s savings is mostly from before we were together and I feel kind of guilty assuming it’s for us now. I know it is, and I know he wouldn’t think twice about it, but I still feel bad. And, that savings was going to go towards our down payment on a house some day, but I’m worried there won’t be anything left by then.

We’ve been keeping a spreadsheet of all our spending this month, to see how we’ll fair next year when we’re paying for full time childcare. So far we’ve already passed the amount we’ll have left after we’ve paid my SIL for being here 40 hours a week. I’m going to be getting a pay cut, but I also have a lot of credits to turn in so that might just make up for it, almost. We also don’t know how much childcare being tax deductible will help us out. I’ve heard we can even put the money away into a child care account that is never taxed in the first place. If that is the case it might make a significant difference because childcare will end up being a little less than 2/3 of my take home salary. I have to say, the finance side of having a baby is really starting to stress me out. It so doesn’t help that we lost the only things of value we ever owned and have to replace somehow.

I also got the bad news that one of my best friends can’t make it to the baby shower, and probably not at all before the baby is born. Even though I told her before that she didn’t need to come out (she lives all the way in NYC) for the shower I’ve been really upset to know that she actually isn’t. I can’t seem to figure out what about the situation makes me so sad. I think it’s more that she won’t be out at all to experience my pregnancy with me.

This is something I’ve wanted my whole life, it’s definitely the most significant thing to have happened to me ever (except for meeting and falling in love with Mi.Vida, but since we never formally got married there was not big event to mark that). I think I just really want to share it with people and it makes me sad when I can’t, or I feel like I don’t have many people to share it with. I also find myself thinking, I don’t have that one friend who you know, just KNOW, would be at your shower no matter what. I guess only some women are lucky enough to have that kind of best, best friend.

I had a friend like that when I was young but she lived far away. We kept in touch for years, even after we moved away from Hong Kong (where we met) to California and Washington. We’d talk on the phone for hours, visit each other every year. It was great. We had a falling out at the end of college and neither of us really put in the effort to fix the relationship. I’ve been trying to get a hold of her since the winter holidays but she’s only called back once. I’m beginning to think she either doesn’t have time to reconnect with me or just doesn’t want to. I told her in my last voice mail that if I didn’t hear from her I’d assume that was the case.

I feel like I have so many people I could eat dinner with, but not so many I could call about things like this, to talk about how I’m feeing right now. I feel like that is the problem. I could schedule dinners for the next two weeks straight and still have people to see, but I don’t have anyone to call when I’m driving home from work crying about some silly thing that has me super upset.

I want to clarify that I do have some wonderful best friends. One of my friends immediately emailed me to check in about my shitty week after she heard that the other friend couldn’t come out before June. That made me feel very loved and cared for.

I don’t know though. It somehow feels more complicated than it should be. I guess the problem is that I everything having to do with friendship also has to do primarily with emotions. I know my emotions do not always reflect reality. For example, I know that I have a lot of friends but I don’t always¬† feel like that is the case. I know if I needed to talk to someone, I have people I could call, but with schedules and time changes and not wanting to impose on people who have their own problems, I don’t feel like I can call many people when I’m upset. I don’t know if any of this makes sense. Sometimes I think I spend way too much time thinking about this stuff.

The reality is I’m an adult and adult relationships are different from relationships you have in high school, college, even right after college. I think part of this is just growing pains, not just growing into adulthood but also parenthood. And I keep reminding myself that sometimes things are quite the way you want them to be, and it can be difficult, but you just have to get through it. It doesn’t really make me feel any better about the current moment but it does help me put things into perspective.

And of course, I’m so happy to be pregnant and that brings me so much joy. I think that is actually part of why the friend thing is hurting me right now, because I am so happy about it and I don’t feel like I know how to share it with the people in my life. It’s hard when most of my friends are at such different places and have such different ideas about having children. I think I feel like people won’t be able to relate to how I feel. But maybe I’m not giving them the chance in the first place.

Well this turned into a long, rambling diatribe. I’m sorry if it didn’t make much sense, it doesn’t all add up in my head or heart either. I guess I’m just trying to get it out. Sometimes when I do that there is direction by the end. Today not so much. I guess it’s just a hard topic for me to navigate and will continue to be difficult for me. I know I’ll figure it out somehow though.

BUENAS NOTICIAS – The mother of one of my students brought me her collection of porcelain Care Bears gathered during her childhood. (I loved Care Bears as a child and after bringing just two to school, I now have two long windowsills full of Care Bears creating a rainbow of stuffed bear bottoms for all to see.) I thought it was so kind of her to pass on her collection to me. I’m excited to put them up in the nursery.

Nesting (a.k.a. spending money)

I’m quite excited. Today the bedding for the baby’s crib came and I ordered a glider rocking chair for the nursery (although it will probably end up in the living room because it’s quite big). I bought the bedding early because I noticed it was sold out on most websites and I would have been so sad to not get it. It’s green, orange and yellow and has dragonflies (I LOVE dragonflies). This is what it looks like:

That yellow color is really orange with some yellow which I love. My colors in the nursery will be green, yellow and orange and while green and yellow are frequently together, orange is rarely thrown into the mix. There is also yellow in the set, but much more orange and I really love that.

The glider I got is quite nice. I definitely went for the big, expensive, reclining model. But I found it on sale with quick, free shipping (2-4 weeks instead of 6-8 weeks like most websites had) so I’m stoked. This is an picture of the general chair, though I got it a different finish (more of a black) and different colored cushions (a very light green).

I have to admit, buying these things so early makes me insanely nervous. I’m so scared that something is going to happen to this pregnancy and I won’t know what to do with everything I’ve already gotten. It really makes me scared to death. I know I can’t think that way, I can’t always be preparing for the worst, but sometimes it’s hard not to. Still, I’m taking leaps of faith here and buying things that are important to me. I can’t wait for the chair to come! I’m going to read Frijolita the entire Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh as soon as I can rock in that chair.

Now I’m off to finish up the grad school assignment that I stayed home from work to get done. I just have no attention span on this stuff, and it’s so much more fun to spend money!

BUENAS NOTICIAS – I had lost the phone number of our new cleaning lady but Mi.Vida was smart enough to remind me I could look it up on last month’s cell phone bill. It took a while (to find the bill online) but I got her number and she’s set to come next Tuesday. That gives me the weekend to finally put right the craziness that’s left over from the clean out last week. I can’t wait for this apartment to sparkle!

The good news… and the bad

The good news: We cleaned out all the clothing left in the closet unit in the baby’s room and my father took it down for us. It’s currently sitting in the hall ready to be picked up tomorrow morning. My mother and I cleaned out the bedroom and Mi.Vida’s parents brought over the chest of drawers they are giving us for our bedroom. Now not only is our bedroom clean (except for the bed, which will require a lot of work before we can sleep in it tonight) but we also have extra drawer space to call our own. This is very exciting as we’ve been losing clothing storage space all week. My mom and I also went through all the clothes that were left to organize and found places for them (even if some of those places are on the guest bed, awaiting placement in the new chest of drawers).

The bad news: It’s 7pm and I’ve yet to start either grad school assignment. Plus I’m cooking dinner tonight. I’m also exhausted and burnt out, which I’m beginning to realize are two different things. Exhaustion is more physical, and I definitely feel that, but being burnt out is more mental/emotional, and man, am I burnt out right now.

But I have to admit. I’m pretty impressed with the progress that has been made in the would-be-nursery. I never thought in a million years that I’d get that much done this week. Taking down the two pieces of furniture was way more than I expected to accomplish. I have to say, I’m quite proud.

I’m also exhausted and burn out and I have one more day before I start work again. I’m going to have to take Wednesday off, sans a minor miracle on the grad school assignment front. It might be for the best, as Mi.Vida’s toenail seems to be getting worse and he might need to get it taken off that day. We shall see. Anyway, I’d feel better about being home if I were ferrying him to and from the hospital.

Earlier this week I went to the therapist and talked a lot about how frustrated I was by this week, by the stress of cleaning out the room and the pressure of getting grad school work done. My therapist reminded me that sometimes life sucks and that we have to accept it and move on. I can’t believe I had forgotten this most simplistic of truths. Sometimes life is not exactly what you want it to be, in fact most times life is not what you want it to be, but you just have to suck it up and get through it. I mean, my life, as lives go, great, but right now I have things that need to get done even though I don’t want to do them. And being upset about it doesn’t really make it any better. So I walked away from therapy on Thursday realizing that right now life kind of sucks. I have a lot of stressful grad school work to get done. I also have a huge, unpleasant cleaning task ahead of me at home. These things are not fun, nor are they ways I’d choose to spend my week off. But both need to get done and one needs to get done now, while the other probably should be. This little pep talk really helped me get through the past few days.

Well that is all I have time for tonight. I must get to this grad school work before making dinner. I hope Mi.Vida is okay helping me cook because, frankly, after all the work I’ve done this week, I’m expecting he will be.

BUENAS NOTICIAS – Prenatal yoga this morning was very nice. I really love that class.

23 weeks

I’m 23 weeks today. It feels good to write that.

Here is my baby bump. It’s definitely getting bigger.

I had lunch today with a woman I meet on the FertilityFriend chat boards. It’s a crazy coincidence, but we met on the TTC after loss board, talking about our miscarriages. She was dealing with MFI and had undergone a few IUIs. I think the second time we met her husband had stopped taking an anti-depressant and his SA came back much better than before. So instead of doing another IUI they were trying naturally for a while.

Every time we met she’d say, wouldn’t it be great if we got pregnant at the same time. And every time I thought to myself, that would be great, but it will never happen in a million years.

Maybe you can guess where this is going… turns out we did get pregnant at the same time. We’re actually only FOUR DAYS APART! how insane is that?! So we got together today and I have to admit, it was so nice to talk to someone about pregnancy stuff for an hour. I don’t generally have anyone around who is interested in taking about where to give birth or how much maternity leave to take. Needless to say it was really, really nice.

When I got home I worked on the baby’s room for a while. Evidently my father is coming over to help us take down the shelving unit in there, so I felt the need to clean it all off, take pictures and post it in the free section of Craiglist. Wow, after I wrote that I checked my email and of course it’s already been claimed and someone is picking it up tonight. I’m so happy to get this stuff out of there as soon as possible. These are the shelves we’re giving away. Earlier this week they were COMPLETELY PACKED with stuff. Now most of it has a new home, or is being given away, though I’d be lying if I said none of it was in the the hallway!

So now that we’re getting rid of these tonight, I’m going to ask my dad to help us take down the other piece of furniture tomorrow. That piece is way more intense and complicated so I’ll be happy for the help (and I’m sure Mi.Vida will be as well).

In the meantime I have a ton of grad school work to do. It really won’t be that hard when I get started, but that first step is difficult. It makes me feel better to know I can easily take Wednesday off (sometimes it just doesn’t work to take a day off, but this Wednesday would be okay) to finish what doesn’t get done this weekend. And I have to say, I feel so good about the little room that this other stuff hardly seems to phase me.

I have to say, now that I’m going to have everything out of that room, I’m more impatient to get in the crib and changing table. But there is a part of me that feels like it’s too early. What if something happens and I have a whole nursery put up and no baby to go in it? I know the chances of that are so slim, but there is still a part of me that worries putting up the nursery will somehow jinx this pregnancy. I don’t know… I guess I need to do what feels comfortable for me. We shall see.

Well I suppose I’m off to get more things done. Productivity is my middle name right now!

BUENAS NOTICIAS – Little kicks, little kicks all day long. They make me so happy!

So much to say…

… and none of it seems worth saying. Curious.

Well tomorrow is Friday and I have no work the next week so I’m very eager for it to get here already. I can’t wait, actually.

I’m having a rough day. I’m very tired and I’m pretty sure a bad cold is just around the corner. My throat is killing me, and for a teacher that can be a dreadful proposition. I have easy-ish days today and tomorrow but still, it’s tough to be at work.

I didn’t get much sleep last night because Mi.Vida tripped and messed up his toe pretty badly. We thought we were going to have to go to the hospital today and I called for a sub and everything. The “fall” was right at bedtime, which meant we weren’t in bed until 11:30 and then I couldn’t sleep for ages because Mi.Vida was snoring (on account of he was asleep on his back and couldn’t roll over because his foot was propped up). Anyway, I only got 5.5 hours of sleep last night and it’s not helping my definitely-getting-sick feeling. This morning Mi.Vida’s toe looked much better and we decided he didn’t need to go to the hospital after all. So I canceled my sub and came to work. I’m kind of wishing I hadn’t.

So that is where I am today.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately of ways to save some money. I’m actually thinking about stopping therapy. I have to say, I feel so much better than I did. In a perfect world, I’d keep going to therapy, just in case things got more stressful. But right now, the thought of spending that much a month on something I don’t really need, stresses me out in and of itself. I would definitely not start going to therapy right now, which makes me wonder if I should keep doing it just because I have been. I don’t think I can go every other week, as it’s a sliding scale clinic which little flexibilty. I guess I’ll ask the next time I’m there. I hope I don’t make a mistake about this.

Next week I have vacation (from work). My big plans are to clean out the baby’s room, which is a small room under the stairs of the apartment above us. Right now it’s basically used for storage and it’s crammed with six years worth of my junk. There are also lots of things we use daily that we have nowhere else to store. So not only do I have to clean the whole room out, but I also have to find places for all the things we need to keep, like bath towels, extra bathroom supplies, quite a lot of clothes, tools, extra light bulbs and such. It’s going to be quite a challenge to find places for everything, especially the clothes. I’m not looking forward to that. Then, when it’s all cleaned out Mi.Vida needs to take apart the two pieces of furniture in there and carry them out. Man, it’s going to be really unpleasant.

My other priorities are getting my taxes filed (I need that refund badly) and finishing some grad school papers. Neither of which am I looking forward to. All in all it’s a pretty lame vacation. My girl friends are in Thailand soaking up the sun and I’m going to be trudging through my own muck, trying to make sense of it all. It’s me v. the room under the stairs, duking it out. May the best woman/room. Good lord is their an impressive accumulation of crap in that little room.

So that is my vacation. I’m not complaining, as I know I’m lucky to get it off. I also know I should be thankful that I have a vacation from work to get all this stuff done. And I am thankful for that. I’m also a little sulky about it too. I mean I am only human.

BUENAS NOTICIAS – I get to watch this week’s Lost tonight with my sister. That makes me happy. I LOVE Lost.