The Fallout (and it’s not pretty)

WARNING: Super depressing post.

It’s 7:20 and I’m already at school. I couldn’t really get back to sleep this morning so I figured I’d get up and get going. Now, sitting at my computer at work, I feel… depressed. Exhausted and depressed. The fallout from yesterday is pretty intense. Yesterday should have been the culmination of a week’s worth of anxiety, but instead it caused a great deal more. I was so upset yesterday that mistakes were made and I was not going to get the answers I so desperately wanted. I cried for most of the day. And the longer I felt upset, the more I realized that I have a serious problem that is out of my control. I really do feel I have little choice but to go on Zoloft, and ultimately that is what is making me feel so bad right now. I am so disappointed that I have to expose my unborn baby to chemicals that have a chance of causing him harm. I feel like a failure as a mother before I’ve even begun. I feel like a disgrace.

I’ve wanted to be pregnant since I was a young girl. I can’t really explain why, but I have. Now I have finally gotten my wish and I spend my time feeling miserable. I’m scared, nervous and upset all the time. Now I’m getting depressed again. I feel like I’m squandering some of the most precious moments of my life.

Rationally, I understand that it’s not my fault. Depression and anxiety are illnesses and need to be treated as such. But it doesn’t make me feel any better about what I have to do. It’s my job as a mother to protect my child and instead my shortcomings necessitate that I do exactly the opposite. I need to risk the wellbeing of my child for my own wellbeing.

I feel so angry right now. I feel so angry that they messed up yesterday. I feel so angry that I have to take Zoloft. I just feel angry.

I can’t remember the last time I felt this depressed, this disappointed in myself. Today was supposed to be the day I felt better, no matter what the results were – at least I’d know what I had to do. Instead I feel the lowest I’ve ever felt. I have no enthusiasm or energy to deal with my students. I feel no excitement or even relief that a two week break is coming up. I feel no joy about the impending holidays. All I see in front of me is a difficult two weeks full of more anxiety and worry only to end in me starting to pop pills that might adversely effect my child. All I feel is anger, disappointment, frustration, anxiety and depression.

BUENAS NOTICIAS – I only have to feign interest in school for two more days and thank god, because I don’t think I could last any longer.

Very Upsetting Day

Wow. I was worried about so many things today but I wasn’t worried about what actually happened. In fact, I didn’t know it was a possibility. After an excruciating week of waiting, and enduring mini-panic attacks while doing so, I get there today and find out that the baby is too big and they can’t do the NTU at all. I was beside myself, crying and freaking out. I waited through seven days, each one the length of eternity, to find out ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Evidently this happens in like 1% of cases, that the baby is too big, even if you’re within the “time window” that they give. Here’s for being on the shit side of 1% again! Anyway, now my only option, besides an amnio, is another blood draw after 15 weeks which willl give me much LESS conclusive results about the health of the baby. Then at 18 weeks when I get another ultrasound they will know more. Great. Just great.

I’ve been so upset, I can’t even write it here. I’ve cried all day. I can’t tell you what it means for me to have to wait for another two weeks to get shitty, some what inconclusive results. I’m so angry. I feel like someone made a big mistake and no one suffers for it but me. I’m so upset, I don’t know what to do.

All this has made me look more closely at Zoloft. I have to say, I don’t really like what I’m finding. Even the doctor I saw today said that some babies experience withdraw symptoms after they are born. And babies that have been exposed to Zoloft have 6 times more chance of having a serious lung disorder than the general population. So now I don’t know what to do. I feel, more now that ever, that I should be on Zoloft and I’m also more scared than ever that something bad will come of it.

I sent a scathing email to my obgyn today but of course she’s out of the office until December 28th. Just my f*cking luck. By then I’ll have the results of the shitty blood screening. God, I’m so upset!!!! I need to stop typing right now or things are going to have to be seriously censored.

UPDATE – I’ve been doing some research and it seems that you have to get an NTU between week 11w0d and 14w0d. Today I am 13w5d, so only one day away from 14w0d. My baby has consistently, since the first ultrasound, measured 4 days ahead of schedule. In fact, one doctor told me that my due date might actually be June 15th instead of June 18th. Anyway, it seems that they should have known not to schedule me so close to the last week, no matter what availability looked like. The fact that I requested an earlier appointment last week, and was told to wait, doesn’t make it any better. If only my obgyn were around to admit the mistake and apologize I think I’d feel a lot better. Since that is impossible, I’ve just filed a formal grievance with Kaiser. This has caused me quite a bit of emotional distress and I believe it absolutely could have been avoided. I hope this grievance will give me some closure on the issue. In the meantime I have to attempt to not let my entire vacation and the holidays be ruined by my anxiety over this.

BUENAS NOTICIAS – My baby still had a heartbeat today, and looked pretty cute on the ultrasound. It makes me so mad that all this overshadows that. I guess only I can change that with my attitude and I shall try.

Requesting advice on a not-so friendly situation

In an attempt to take my mind off my impending NTU (less than 24 hours! Finally!) I’m going to be presenting a situation that happened recently with some friends to see if anyone has any advice for me on this issue. This has been going on for a long time and I’m not really sure why I haven’t brought it up here. I think it’s been hard for me to figure out how I feel, I’m still not really sure, but I think it’s time I requested help from my blogging friends.

So here is the back story. This might get a little confusing and for that I apologize. I have three really good girlfriends that I’ve known since college. I will call them R, K and E for the purposes of this blog. R lives in SF with me, E lives in LA and K lives in NYC. We see each other frequently but have only been all together one time since we graduated from Berkeley seven years ago.

About a year ago we decided we were going to take a vacation all together this year. We choose February because its not a big travel time and I (who has the most restrictive schedule) get “Presidents’ Week” off.

A while ago, though I don’t remember when, R sent out feelers about Tulum, Mexico. I told R that I had already been there and wasn’t so interested in going back. I also mentioned that I might not be able to go on the trip for financial reasons. We had just been house hunting and I realized we had to make drastic financial changes if we would ever be able to buy a house in this area. We have since stopped looking at houses and stressing about money so much, but I never relayed that message to R. I also forgot that I ever said I might not be able to go.

Cut to about a month ago. Suddenly (it seems to me) the big February plan is Thailand. I’m going to be about five months pregnant at that time and don’t know if it’s a great idea to go. The RNP I see at 6 weeks says its not and I tell the girls I probably won’t be joining them. But I really want to go and ask my OBGYN and she says it’s okay. So I tell the girls I might go after all. Then, the more I think about it, the sillier it seems to spend so much to travel so far when we only have a week. I also still feel nervous about traveling over 16 hours in a plane to a place with questionable medical facilities when I’m 5 months pregnant. Because I’ve had issues with R in the past, and I assume (though with no real proof) that R is the mastermind behind the Thailand idea, I talk at length to E and K about how sad I am to miss the trip, mostly because I’m sad to miss hanging out with them all together. I mention many times that I wish they were going somewhere closer, cheaper (plane ticket wise) and more secure so that I could attend. I never straight out asked them to change their plans.

After some waffling I finally sent out an email saying I definitely would not attend. I wrote one paragraph about why I was not going (amount of money v. time away and health concerns over such a big trip) and one paragraph about how sad I was to miss the big trip with them and how much I wished we could go somewhere else. I also asked if they think it would be possible to do a weekend somewhere all together. I got no response from anyone (except “xoxo” from K) and that was that.

About a week later I realized how upset I was about the whole situation. I couldn’t believe no one wrote back to me. I wasn’t so upset that they didn’t say anything about me not going, as I had already been leaning more towards not going and they probably weren’t at all surprised. But I was upset that no one said anything about how upset I was, or how sad I was to miss out on a chance to hang out with all of them, or whether they felt a weekend trip were possible. I felt like they just didn’t care at all that I wouldn’t be going.

I wrote an email expressing those feelings and received responses from everyone. I was surprised to find that R would have been open to changing it up, but she thought I couldn’t afford a trip anyway (because of the conversation we’d had a while back that I forgot about). If you remember, R was the only one I didn’t really discuss my disappointment with before the email was sent out because I thought Thailand we her idea and that she’d get upset (we had a little bit of a fight not long ago and didn’t want to get into it again). R also said that I had never asked to change it, which was absolutely true.

Even more surprisingly (to me) the responses I got from K and E seemed to unapologetically explain that they just really, really wanted to go to Thailand. They hadn’t been on a “real” vacation in a long time and Thailand was on their “bucket list” so they really wanted to do that. Now, more than ever, I felt like Thailand was chosen over me, at least by two of my best friends.

By this time E and R had already gotten their tickets and I knew the trip would not be changed. I haven’t written anything in response to their emails. I have talked to K via email, as she contacted me after “catching up on my blog” and being very concerned by my anxiety. I mentioned how upset I was by the trip thing and while she responded to every other aspect of my of my email, she skipped that part. I haven’t talked to E at all since the responses, not via email, gchat or phone. R and I have seen each other a couple of times but it’s never come up. I have to say, I feel like R’s reasoning was the most valid and I’m not really upset with her personally, though I do wish their had been better communication (more on my part than hers).

K keeps trying to get a hold of me to make sure I’m doing okay (anxiety wise) and I do appreciate that very much. But I feel like my disappointment about how this was handled, and my feelings about being left out so a trip to Thailand could take place, is ever looming in the background. I honestly don’t know how to proceed. Do I say something else about how I’m feeling? Do I just let it go and get over it? If I do say something, what to I say? I just don’t know what to do.

I know that a part of this is my fear that once I have a baby I will be different from my girlfriends and be left behind as they do more and more things like this. And they will do other things that I can’t participate in, and that is fine. I wanted to have a baby and I can accept whatever consequences that brings. I also know that I will see them and that we will continue to be friends. I think part of me is trying to figure out how much of this is my own feelings of isolation that I am projecting on an unfortunate case of miscommunication and how much is a valid feeling that a destination was more important that a friend.

So now I’ve said my piece. Anyone have any suggestions? Any advice? I really am open to your perspective. I would really appreciate the ideas of someone who is totally unattached to the situation. Thank you for your help!

A very nice weekend indeed

First of all, congratulations to Sharon at Mindful Meandering. Her daughter was born today and after seven years of waiting I can only imagine how elated she must feel to welcome her to the world.

The woman writing this has no immediate graduate school obligation until January 4th, 2010. And that makes her very happy.

Having said (written) that, I should get some portfolio work done, and I probably will. I’ve been pretty good about getting it done after each set of classes, as I’m supposed to, and I don’t want to fall behind. I’m giving myself a week off though, I’ll start the portfolio work when winter break starts next week.

I’ve been oscillating between near panic attacks about my NTU this Wednesday to feeling relatively okay. The panic attacks have me worried as no other appointment has caused those. The minute I think about the NTU I feel a shortness of breath and my heart starts to race. If I take deep breaths and tell myself that I will be able to handle whatever comes my way the feeling usually subsides, but it’s definitely alarming. I’ve gotten an actual panic attack once in my life and I thought, at the time, it was an allergic reaction to something. I really don’t want these to escalate and become regular occurrences. I’ll be curious to see what my therapist says about all this tomorrow.

On a more positive note, I had a nice weekend. Saturday I went to the Zen Center to do my childcare volunteering. There was one five year old there and he was incredibly cute. We folded oragmi and read stories and had a great time. I really do miss sharing experiences with little children. My favorite line of the hour was when he asked for some tape for his oragami, insisting that “it’s okay sometimes to not follow the rules.” A very wise five year old indeed.

Later that day I met a friend I haven’t seen in over two months for lunch. We talked for three hours. I haven’t even seen her since I found out I was pregnant but she quickly guessed at the news. We talked about my life and hers. It was very nice to have a fresh perspective on quite a few things that have been bothering me, including an issue with some girlfriends that I have yet to bring up on this blog. I think I’ll broach the subject here soon though and see what people have to say about it. Anyway, it was great to see my friend and I look forward to dinner with her again Tuesday, which she generously offered in an attempt to help me keep my mind off the appointment the next day.

Not long after lunch Mi.Vida and I met my sister and her boyfriend for dimsum in Chinatown. I’ve been jonsing for that and it really hit the spot. It was also nice to visit with my sister, who I don’t see nearly enough. Mi.Vida and I engaged in a stressful conversation on the way over there but we were okay by the time we parked. I was asking him what kind of genetic screening results would require assurance via an amnio for him. He doesn’t know much about any of this stuff and I have to tell him what I know, which is all gathered from the internet and my pregnancy books. I felt comfortable with his answers and while I hope we won’t have to make a decision about an amnio, I feel more confident that we will be on similar pages if need be.

Saturday night was the Christmas party for Mi.Vida’s music podcast/website. We all went bowling and Ben made the big announcement about eight pitchers in. Everyone was very excited for us. We were out until 1:30am, which is unheard of for me, but we had a great time. I’m so glad I took a preemptive nap before we left.

Today was all grad school work and grading papers. I just got back from the gym, which makes me quite proud. Mi.Vida made us pasta with chicken and broccoli for late lunch/early dinner and it was very yummy and well balanced. I got two giant loads of laundry finished and I even put away the clothes! I’m feeling pretty good right now and hoping we can get in a short movie before bed time. The storms this weekend brought in warmer weather. It’s certainly not balmy but I can’t see my breathe either and for that I’m very grateful.

I’m only two work days away from my NTU. I hope very much that they do not drag on and that no panic attacks ensue. I look forward to a massage tomorrow followed by therapy and dinner with my friend on Tuesday. Hopefully with all of that I’ll make it to Wednesday without totally losing my mind.

BUENAS NOTICIAS – I turned in my grad school paper and am officially done with the Fall ‘09 semester. Only four classes left before I graduate!

Feeling like a fake

I feel like a fake. Only hours after I published my last post I got an email from a friend relaying that all her genetics testing had come back great and things looked wonderful. Suddenly the week until my own NTU stretched endlessly in front of me and I couldn’t fathom how I’d get through it. I don’t know what from her email could trigger such an intense response, but it did. I went from honestly feeling pretty good about the NTU to needing to know the results RIGHT NOW. That is what it is, it’s needing to know RIGHT NOW. I even emailed my doctor begging her to try to find an earlier appointment. I swear, it’s like I morph into another person that I don’t even recognize.

I’m so sick of feeling this way. I’m so tired of the anxiety and the way it makes time move at a snail’s pace. Rationally I know I’ll make it to next Wednesday some how but there are times when I literally fear the wait will drive me insane. I worry I will not be able to make it to that date which lingers so impossibly far in the future. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s a horrible feeling. I was talking to my mom about it yesterday and I started sobbing. This anxiety is winning. I’m losing the battle, no matter how hard I try to keep it together. I am losing and it’s horrible.

Of course there is medicine, and if I knew that Zoloft would really alleviate my anxiety substantially I would be on it right now, screw the wait until week 16. But I don’t know for sure that it will help and because of that I don’t think of it as a panacea. I’m definitely still considering it (more than considering it, I’m almost assuming I’ll be on it in January) but I don’t assume it will solve all my anxiety related problems. I hope it does help though, or I’m in trouble.

This week has been crazy. I had one of those days yesterday where nothing was ready for any class. I spent all day trying to get up to speed and never got there. It was tough. I also had an appointment at my district office to talk about job sharing next year. Long story short I have pretty much no options and feel devalued as a human being and employee. Now I need to make some hard decisions about what I’m going to do next year. I’ll write about all that more later.

The super cold weather continues plus some nice storms. I have a ton of grad school work due Sunday, and it’s actually due because Sunday is the last day of the class. I’ll be so relieved to be done with grad school for three weeks (at least done with the hard stuff).

I’m feeling sick again. Morning sick. Yesterday I had to dash out of my room (luckily my principal was around to cover me) and throw up my lunch. This morning, after only a few gulps of water, I had to exit the freeway so I could puke all down the side of my car. It was so embarrassing. Today I felt pukey all day and I’m starting to think maybe my “morning” sickness is back for an extended stay. At 13 weeks, I’m really hoping that is not the case.

Now I’m off to my staff holiday party. Mi.Vida and I are telling everyone our “big news” tonight. I hope it goes well.

BUENAS NOTICIAS – Some how, some way, I will be done with this grad school class in about 48 hours.

Anxiety hiatus?

For the last two nights it has been dropping below freezing in the Bay Area and the ground is covered in frost when I wake up. This is very unseasonable weather for us. Heck, it’s completely unusual for any time of year! My apartment does not have central heating. We have these old, smelly heaters on the walls in some rooms, but not the kitchen, bathroom or halls. When you walk out of the office or living room it’s like stepping into a storage freezer. It’s been so difficult to motivate to get ready for bed lately, I can’t even tell you; washing my face and brushing my teeth cannot be finished quickly enough!

Last weekend was very nice. I met up with a family I used to babysit for in college. The girls (who are now in 7th and 5th grade!) and I saw the Fantastic Mr. Fox while their parents saw an “adult” movie. Mi.Vida met us for dinner afterwards and it was AMAZING! I got gnocci with pork ragu and I seriously had to restrain myself from licking the bowl. That night we saw a comedy show only because a good friend was MCing it. It was actually a bid deal, at a big venue, but not our kind of comedians. A couple were decent though and I got in few good chuckles.

Sunday we went sailing on the bay. It was so, so, so, so cold, but we were ready for it. I bought a puffy jacket on Friday and haven’t taken it off since (even inside); it was a great comfort to me Sunday. A magnificent rainbow appeared above the bay and it was wonderful to experience. We were with Mi.Vida’s friends and we told them about the pregnancy. Needless to say everyone was very kind to me and tried not to make me hold their beers for them too much. Man, do I miss me a good beer sometimes.

It’s been almost a week since my last ultrasound. I’m tentatively waiting to see if my decreased anxiety is due to the 12 week mark or the recent ultrasound. I’m usually pretty good the week after the ultrasound, it’s the next week before the following ultrasound that gets to me. I’ll be entering that week soon and I’m kind of just waiting curiously to see how I feel.

My next ultrasound is actually my Nucal Translucency (spelling? and/or proper words?) Ultrasound, which is part of the genetic testing screeing I opted for. I have to admit, I’m strangely not that anxious about the genetics screening. This is one area where I seem to suffer from only a rational amount of anxiety. I’m not so much worried that they will find something horrible, instead I’m anxious my results will be ambiguous and I’ll have to decide to have an amnio or not, because they won’t really want to recommend something either way. I’m terrified to get an amnio, as miscarriage is my greatest fear and an amnio increases your chance of miscarraige (if only very slightly). So that is my big fear at the moment, ambiguous results. Not so much because I’ll then by sure something is wrong, but because we’ll have to make what (for me) will be a hard choice concerning next steps. We shall see. I wonder if I don’t have a lot of fear about this because I haven’t heard many people’s stories about it. Is it really stories that instill the fear of loss in me? I’m not sure. But I don’t know of many people’s genetic screenings stories so maybe that is why I’m not freaking out. I do know of two couples, younger than me, who recently had babies with Down Syndrome, so it’s not like I’m not aware of that being a very real possibility of a genetic problem. I guess only time will tell.

In the meantime I’m really trying to focus on eating better and getting some more exercise. Mi.Vida and I struck a deal that if he cooks three times a week for us I’ll do the cleaning (we’re eventually going to have someone come in for the big, chemically cleaning like the shower, mopping and so on). I know this isn’t really a fair trade, but I could fill an entire blog on the issues we’ve had with Mi.Vida helping out around the house. He has a big heart and wants to do these things, they just don’t get done. But cooking is something he’s more into (much more so than me) and I truly hope that if I do everything else, he can do that. Again, only time will tell.

There’s only one more week of work after this one before break. My grad school work is due this Sunday night and I think if I just turn something in I’ll get an A. Being done with grad school for a while will be nice, though I do have some portfolio work to get done during the hiatus. I guess I’ll never really be done with grad school until I graduate.

BUENAS NOTICIAS – Every morning I’m so thankful to take a hot shower. Not only do I get to be clean, but I get to be super warm getting clean. That is something I must never, ever take for granted in the dead of winter.

Let’s get physical

Sometimes I really love google. After I started to get yet another tension headache (and yes, they are called that) I googled it to see if these kinds of headaches were common. I didn’t expect to find much because I’ve been assuming that my headaches are the result of my anxiety and stress. Imagine my surprise when on the first site I found this from Baby Center:

It’s not unusual to get tension headaches when you’re pregnant, especially in the first trimester. Tension headaches — the most common kind of headache — can feel like a squeezing pain or a steady dull ache on both sides of the head or the back of the neck.

Holy crap! That is exactly the kind of headache I’m getting! I don’t know why, but it makes me feel a lot better that these headaches are common during the first trimester (which I’m technically still in for two more weeks). At least I know it’s not just my stress and anxiety run amok!

Other physical things I’ve been thinking of a lot lately are weight gain and “showing”. So far I’ve gained no weight (at least my weight at my 12 week appointment was the same as my weight at my six week appointment, almost exactly) and am not showing at all. I don’t know how to feel about this. I’m obviously not upset that I haven’t gained weight, though I do worry that that means I’m not eating enough. I know when I’m stressed and have a lot of work to do I don’t eat as much as I would otherwise. I had gained three pounds when I was dealing with morning sickness but since it passed I guess I’ve lost all that. I just want to make sure that my baby is getting all the nutrients that s/he needs to grow.

As far as showing, I am a little disappointed it hasn’t happened yet. Maybe I feel like when I start showing people will really think I’m pregnant and I can really, truly abandon the first trimester I’m-pregnant-but-not-in-anyone’s-mind-but-my own head space. Dr. Google (and many, many pregnant women on message boards) inform me that every woman, and pregnancy, is different and I might need maternity pants at 10 weeks (well I know that isn’t the case) or not show until after week 18. I suppose the fact that a program called “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” (the insanity of which I could write an entire blog about) actually exists, and runs multiple episodes, is proof that some people really never get very big. I have to say, while I have no desire to gain 60+ pounds during this pregnancy I do want to get big and round. I suppose only time will tell, and I certainly don’t want to sound flippant or unappreciative of what I have when I write this, but this is my blog and I’ve vowed to be honest: I really will be sad if I have to wait util 18+ weeks to get my baby bump.

Sometimes I think of how little time there is until June and I know that this is going to happen very, very quickly. When I think of how few weekends I have left to sleep in or opportunities to just see a movie if I so desire, I’m sure it will be over before I know it. But other times, when I think of how slowly the last 8 weeks have passed and how many, many weeks I have left to go, I fear I will never get there. I’m impatient to really start feeling and looking pregnant. To see a baby bump and feel kicking inside of me. I know that once that comes, everything will move more very fast, but I’m still impatient to get there. It’s hard to accept that time will move in the way it will move, despite my every desire otherwise. I’m so glad that the next month will move more quickly than others, because I’m so done with this first trimester. 14 weeks, where are you!?

BUENAS NOTICIAS – I got quite a few wonderful comments of congratulations yesterday, which I really appreciate. Thanks everyone!

12 weeks and a revelation

I’m not officially 12 weeks, but tomorrow I will be. I had my 12 week check up today and all looked good. Mi.Vida got to see Frijolito for the first time since he was just a vaguely baby shaped presence on the screen. Today Mi.Vida got to see our little bean moving around and “waving”. He also got to see fingers and feet and what looked like his face (in the profile). It’s really hard to fathom how far Frijolito has come in 6 short weeks.

So at 12 weeks my pregnancy is healthy. There are no more milestones to make me feel better, no more “when I get to __ weeks I can relax.” I know every day from here on out that things are going well is another day closer to things ultimately being okay, but honestly, I can’t experience this pregnancy that way. Now that I’m at 12 weeks I need to find ways to feel confident and at ease no matter how far along I am. I’ll have a 1-2% chance of losing this baby at 15 weeks and at 37 weeks. I just need to suck it up and accept the uncertainty.

I’m so glad to finally be at this place, not because it automatically makes me feel better, but because I feel like now I can hold myself accountable for my thoughts. In the first trimester I kept rationalizing my fear with the high statistics of lost pregnancies and the fact that many women feel trepidation in the first three months. Now that I’m on the other side of that, or at least at the famed “12 week” mark, I can’t hide behind any of that anymore. I need to take full responsibility for my anxiety and its effects on me. And I feel ready to do that.

My therapist and I have been talking for a long time about the possibility of me going on medication. I talked to my obgyn about it today too. She said that 16 weeks would be a good time to start taking something new, like Zo.loft, which has the most studies backing up it’s claim to put the fetus at minimal risk. After doing a little research myself it does seem like the risk is very, very low and if going on Zoloft will make me healthier and happier it is definitely worth it. My plan was to wait until after the winter vacation (which will be from both work AND grad school, so a real vacation indeed) and reassess the situation then, which coincides perfectly with the 16 week suggestion of my OB. I feel strangely peaceful knowing that anxiety medication is a real possibility for me, in my own mind. Before I felt like I would only consider it in the most dire of situations, but the more I look at my anxiety the more I see the irrationality of it. It doesn’t keep me from being productive at work, but my worry is so completely out of my control, no amount of rational thought or acceptance of uncertainty seems to alleviate the anxiety. So now, as I move past the 12 week mark, I will be very carefully monitoring my anxiety and if it seems unacceptable to me, I will be requesting Zo.loft sometime in my 2nd trimester.

Wow, I guess this blog really has become a journey of TTC and now pregnancy in the midst of anxiety. I was hoping that finally becoming pregnant would take out the anxiety aspect but I guess it’s here to stay. I shouldn’t really be surprised, and yet I am. I will continue searching for ways to alleviate my anxiety but I’m also surrendering myself to the fact that it might just be out of my control.

Getting back to the real world… I didn’t go to work today and thank goodness. My fourth (or maybe this is a fifth cold) has become full fledged laryngitis. My voice was bad the last three days but today it’s horrible. Mi.Vida says I sound like that one woman from One Tree Hill, a show I’ve turned on every once in a while only to be so put off by the brown haired woman’s horrible voice that I have to immediately change the channel. For him to say I sound like that is really upsetting, but I can also recognize that it’s true.

I have a lot more to write but I shall save some for posts this weekend. I hope you’re all having a good week after Thanksgiving. I can’t believe how quickly winter break and the holidays will be here. I think I might just make it to 16 weeks without going totally insane.

BUENAS NOTICIAS – I got lunch at my favorite soup and sandwich place today with an old friend that I don’t see nearly enough. It was really fun.

PS – A note about Buenas Noticias. I’ve been asking Mi.Vida for Buenas Noticias every day now and it’s really nice. Sometimes he has to think hard about it, but when I remind him that is about the little things you’d take for granted he always smiles and figures something out. The other day I was so thankful for the super hot showers I take in the morning. I never want to take those for granted! That is what Buenas Noticias is all about.

The Going Back To Work Tomorrow Blues

Well we’re back home. We drove 10 hours in the past two days to enjoy 24 hours up in the mountains with our friend and his parents. It was definitely worth it. We left early yesterday and enjoyed the trip up together. We were seduced by that I5 temptress, The Olive Pit, where we pulled over and spent well over $100 on olive oils, dipping oils and pickled vegetables. The whole drive up was fun and goofy, which I loved. Mi.Vida and I can be silly with the best of them, but lately we’ve had little energy or occasion for silliness. It was nice to have that time and that feeling again.

By the time we got up to Weaverville it was past noon. We went for a great four mile hike, dodging big piles of bear poop and taking in the color of the turning leaves (which we don’t get much of by us). The air was crisp and clean and the surroundings were incredible. It was just what I needed. Mi.Vida and our friend chatted away and I just walked a few steps behind, taking everything in.

Yesterday my cold took what will either be a turn for the worse or for the better. I have never blown my nose more, or to such ends, as I did yesterday. I hope it was my cold wearing itself out but I’m not sure that is the case. A lingering sore throat has me worried this sinus thing will become an infection. I truly hope that is not the case. If the sinus thing were not enough, I got another one of my “stress headaches” yesterday, and man was it brutal. I’m quote “stress headache” because I don’t know if they actually are caused by stress, but I assume so because they start at the base of my neck and seem to be the result of incredibly tight muscles in my neck and the back of my head. I can literally rub the spot that hurts, which is usually a muscle that has morphed into a super-tight cord of intense pain. I took Tylenol pretty early and had Mi.Vida rub out the spot. After a nap the headache was still there in full force. It only got worse as the night went on and finally at 2am I gave in and took another two Tylenol. This morning my headache was gone when I woke up, but it has threatened a painful return all day. I have another massage booked for Monday and thank goodness. I need this guy to work his magic on my head, neck, shoulders and back. I guess all my anxiety and worry is causing these tight muscles and stress headaches, making me all the more aware of the changes I need to make. I’m so happy to have therapy tomorrow. I hope it helps some too.

This Thursday is my 12 week appointment and I don’t know how I’ll make it to Thursday. I’m wish I could just fall asleep tonight and wake up Thursday morning, I feel like everything in between is just unnecessary filler. I’m so nervous to go my appointment on Thursday. I have many memories of other people’s stories of going in at 12 weeks and finding out they’d lost the baby. If that is what is going to happen to me I want to know about it sooner rather than later. I really thought I’d be less nervous at this point but I only seem to be getting worse.

It doesn’t help that it’s the Sunday of the first long weekend of the year. I have zero interest in heading back to work tomorrow morning. I have a hard day tomorrow of intense interaction with my students and although I keep trying to figure out ways I can change planning to avoid that, there doesn’t seem to be any responsible way for me pull that off. So I guess I’ll have to suck it up and get it done.

Thank you all for sticking with me on this journey. I can imagine it would seem frustrating to see someone who has what we all want squander it away feeling anxious and worried all the time. I promise I’m doing my best to combat that. I know I have a long way to go, but I intend to get to the other side some how. Thanks for being patient with me while I get there.

BUENAS NOTICIAS – Coming home today was nice. I want to take a moment and appreciate how thankful I am to have a home that I enjoy returning to. I know that is something that a lot of people have lost in the last year and I don’t want to take it for granted.

A Belated Happy Thanksgiving

I know I’ve been totally AWOL for the last couple of days and for that I am sorry. This is what I’ve been up to instead of writing.

Wednesday I had the day off and got a lot of grad school work done. I also met up with a dear friend who actually listened to everything I’m going through and said all the right things in response. I felt so much better after meeting with her, it was almost as good as therapy, and free!

Thursday I continued to get a lot of grad school work done. At the end of a productive morning I got very upset that I didn’t understand that next assignment and would fall behind again waiting to get clarification from my professor. I kind of lost it but Mi.Vida talked me down. By the time I was showered and dressed I felt much better for Thanksgiving at Mi.Vida’s parents house. It was a fun night full of loving family and good food. We walked home afterward and watched a movie upon our return. All in all it was a good day.

Today we continued some house cleaning that started Wednesday. The apartment is in much better shape, though it could use a considerable amount of additional work. Still, at least we got started. I had an echocardiograph appointment today. The genetist at Kaiser wanted me to get one because my sister has a small hole between her two ventricals and my other sister, who died only a month after birth, also had serious heart complications. I’ve never had any trouble with my heart (that I know of) but I guess they wanted to make sure. It was an easy 25 minute exam with an ultrasound. I was hoping the tech could show us a quick picture of Frijolito but he said the probe on the machine was not “good enough” to get a picture of the baby. I was sad because its been a long time since Mi.Vida has seen our little bean, and I’m always grateful to get some confirmation that things are going okay.

The trip to the hospital was actually really tough. It was the same building we were in for part of our ED stay during the ectopic. I walked right by the sonogram room where they confirmed that there was nothing in my uterus and an unknown mass in my fallopian tube. That was the only part of that day I was alone, and it was horrible. Being there again was very upsetting. That, coupled with the fact that we were not able to check on Frijolito at the hospital was very difficult. I left feeling emotionally drained and very anxious once again.

We didn’t have a lot of time after that to get ready for Thanksgiving Part Deux at my folks house. Again we enjoyed family and amazing food. We just got home and are getting the place ready for a guest who will be staying while we’re away, while we pack ourselves up for our little trip. We’re heading to Weaverville in the morning. It will be a long drive (5 hours) for a short trip (24 hours) but I really need to just get out of dodge for a while. I feel like if I’m home I’ll be cleaning house, inputting grades and writing papers until Sunday night, and I need to not be doing any of those things for at least a little while. Besides, I love car trips with Mi.Vida. Maybe we’ll finally finish our unabridged CD copy of Under the Banner of Heaven!

I hope you’re all having a good Thanksgiving weekend. I know I have so much to be thankful for, and I have felt that gratitude these past few days. I’ve also felt depression and anxiety and I’m trying to carve out a place for myself as I learn how I’m responding to all of this. I know only I can make the decisions necessary to enact change and I hope this little trip will help clarify what that needs to be.

BUENAS NOTICIAS – Two Thanksgivings = two chances to eat stuffing. Stuffing if one of my favorite foods and I only get to eat it once a year. Man, did I eat a lot of stuffing in the past 24 hours.