Thank you all for your wonderful comments. As always, they lift me up.
And I needed some lifting yesterday. It wasn’t the greatest day.
I discovered yesterday that my students (I have no idea who, I don’t even know what period it happened) stole all my Sharpie pens, which were in a little box on my back counter. It was a brand-new pack with 30 colors and now there are only four left. I know missing Sharpies aren’t a big deal, but it’s the principal of it that hurts. I give these students so much of myself and… they steal from me. I give and they take, literally. How little regard they must have for me to do that. It just makes me so incredibly sad.
And then I got rear ended on the freeway, picking Isa up from school. Luckily there was traffic and I wasn’t going very fast. I’m pretty sure I’m fine, though my back may be a little tweaked (nothing a visit to the chiropractor can’t cure) and my back bumper will need to be replaced. The poor guy who did it was so upset, apologizing profusely. I told him, this is just a blimp on the radar of life. It’s really not worth getting bent out of shape. I hope my attitude helped him manage his anxiety.
At home tonight my friend shared some advice she was given about my diagnosis from an RE via Twitter. It was all about how I don’t have much time left and I need to be proactive. I’m glad to have people’s opinions, especially professionals, but it once again reminded me of my diagnosis and how little hope there may be. It’s just hard to hear.
Today is just one of those days when the sadness settles. In an email to a blogging friend recently I described acceptance as the ocean: it comes in waves, with all the pushing forward toward peace and the pulling back into despair, it can be hard to see that the tide of acceptance is coming in, ever so slowly. Today was a day when the waves pulled out, exposing my raw heart to the harsh sand of this seemingly hopeless situation. But soon the wave will come crashing back in, and I will feel better again.
Back and forth, back and forth, until I wake one morning and realize the warm water of acceptance is all around me, the tide has come in and I can bathe in it forever. I look forward to that day.