This week Mel wrote a post about jealousy and then followed it up by announcing a two book deal she just signed to write the sequel to her book Life From Scratch, and a parallel side-sequel to that sequel.
And I immediately thought… now who’s jealous?
Because man, I certainly was.
I’ve actually been feeling a lot of jealousy lately. My IRL are falling pregnant left and right, people in this community are getting pregnant too (and everyone’s first kids are so much younger than Isa), bloggers I know and admire are signing book deals or sending in manuscripts for final edits, or announcing that they will be on The Katie Show (yes, Keiko is THAT AWESOME). There is a lot of jealously-fodder out there and it’s hard to express my happiness, wish them congratulations, and move on.
But I’ve realized that I’m not jealous of people in the ways I used to be. In fact, I’m not really jealous at all, it’s more like I’m envious. From what I understand, the main difference between the two words is that “jealousy” implies resentment toward someone for what they have while “envy” implies general discontent brought on by someone else’s success. And I honesty feel no resentment toward anyone and their good news, but I do sometimes feel discontent, and many times that discontent simmers into low-grade resentment. Usually toward myself.
I’ve been spending a lot of time lately resenting the choices I’ve made. When I see IRL and URL friends with babies getting pregnant again I’m angry that I chose a partner who didn’t share my family building dreams and required six months of professional negotiation to start TTC again. When I hear the accomplishments of bloggers who are getting published I resent the choice I made to become a teacher and then later to get a Masters in Spanish Language Education, the debt for which makes any future pursuits (like an MFA) all but impossible. I’m angry at myself for the choices I made, because in a lot of ways, I’m not ending up in the life that I always wanted.
And the life I would hope to achieve is all but an impossible pursuit.
I worry that I’ve walked this path for so long that there is no going back. I can’t U-turn and start over and even if I were to veer off the road, I doubt there is enough time to arrive at a new destination. Instead I’ll probably just run out of gas in some dense forest, unable to see where I’ve come from, or where I’m trying to go.
Of course I can take small steps in the direction of my dreams, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend all that time walking if I’m not sure I’ll get anywhere. Especially when those steps, no matter how small, will effect my partner, my daughter and hopefully some day, another child, probably negatively. The reality is that following my dreams requires sacrifice–emotional and financial–and I don’t think I’m prepared to ask anyone to make those sacrifices just because I messed up ten years ago and want to do-over now.
I’m trying to come to terms with the choices I’ve made. I’m trying to accept them. I became a teacher back when I thought teaching would make me happy, back when I assumed my marriage would mirror my parents’ and that my income would be superfluous at best, but certainly not necessary. I chose to build a family with my partner because I loved him, and I had never loved anyone else, and I couldn’t be sure I would find anyone else anyway, and I really thought that when he got a taste for fatherhood, he’d want it all again, just like me.
And the truth is a lot of good has come from my choices. Being a teacher challenges me (oh how it challenges me. every. single. day) and, after nine years and a masters degree, it supports a version of the lifestyle I aspire to. It also gives me time with my daughter during holidays and the summer months, time I wouldn’t have at a job that makes more money. And my relationship with my partner has fostered growth in me I never thought possible. It has also brought me my amazing little girl, whose presence in my life I cherish more than anything.
It’s easy to look at other people’s situations and feel discontent. I know that usually, if I had to trade lives outright, I wouldn’t want to. Now, instead of feeling envious about what other people have, I look hard at the choices I made, and am making. I know I can’t change those choices, but maybe some day I can use what I’ve learned from the mistakes I’ve made, to make better choices in the future. Or maybe I can better guide my daughter through the difficult early years so that she feels good about the life she’s built for herself.
In the meantime, I accept my envy for what it is, a reflection of myself and my own choices, and not discontentment about other people and their accomplishments.
ADDENDUM
This is in response to Mel’s comment which got me thinking, in a good way. I realize that we can never know what the future will hold and I want to make clear that I don’t regret choices I made when I look back and believe I made the best choice I could have made with what I knew at the time. However the choices that I discussed above I believe were poorly made taking into consideration what I knew at the time and THAT is why I regret them. Basically I regret assumptions that I made that I had no right making.
There came a point in my relationship with Mi.Vida when we reached a place of ultimatum. I decided that if he could not promise me a future with children I was going to go find someone who could promise me as much. We went to therapy four or five times before he decided that he would have kids with me. We had a start date of a year from then (much later than I wanted) to start trying.
I should have known then and there that Mi.Vida would never share my family building dreams. I wanted to believe that after he became a father his feelings would change and while he loves fatherhood and adores our daughter, he will never approach family building in the way I do. I should have recognized that I wouldn’t just be happy with an eventual family, but that the attitude with which we created that family was equally important to me. And I absolutely should have known that he was never going to feel like I did, just as I knew in my heart that I could never feel differently about family building either. I stayed with Mi.Vida as much out of fear or never finding anyone else (at least not in time to have a family) as I did out of love for him and a desire to build a future together. My intended family was more important to me than my relationship and that was not the right way to enter into a relationship.
As for job, I should have been more realistic about the lifestyle I wanted to enjoy and the money that was required to enjoy it. I never once cross referenced that kind of life I wanted with the kind of life a teacher’s salary affords. I just assumed my partner would make the big bucks and I should have known that that kind of family is now a rarity at best. And I know that being a writer is one of the few professions (at least that I would be interested in and that my education would allow me to consider) that almost guarantees making less than what I currently make, but at least if I were writing I would be fulfilling a need in my heart that my current job just doesn’t fill.
Of course, Mel is right, I might have become a writer and then deeply regretted that choice. I may have resented the fact that I followed a pipe dream that kept me from supporting my much wanted family. I also recognize that had I not stayed with Mi.Vida I might never had found someone in time to have a family and my life might be even more disappointing.
The point of all this is just to say, I only regret, or resent, the choices I made that I felt I could have made better, given what I knew at the time. I should have taken more things into consideration, I should have looked closer at how my choices would affect later options I would have, or not have. Even if I had made the same choices, I would know now that I considered and was prepared to face possibilities that are now realities. And that is why I sometimes resent my former self, because honestly, she made some massive mistakes. Frankly I’m quite lucky I like my life as much as I do. Maybe that is what I should take away from all this. đŸ˜‰
Stumbling Gracefully 
Thank you for sharing your thought process here. I appreciate the distinction you make between jealousy and envy. I think a lot of people, myself included, have regrets or at least second thoughts about their career choices later in life. I know when I chose my college major I didn’t get how it would be in real post-graduate life. I also think at the time I undervalued my intelligence, writing and communication skills. Anyway, I know I am being idealistic when I say that it is never too late for us to follow our dreams, but in some ways I do believe that. But I also get the realities of our lives, especially as it relates to economics, family dynamics and, what brought many of us together here, ALI. So I am tired, up past my bedtime, and totally writing stream of consciousness here. But wanted you to know that I read this and am abiding with you as you figure out your path, one step at a time. xoxo
Follow up post isn’t quite accurate (I do have a follow up post written in regards to that one) in the same way that the Roundup isn’t a follow up post to the announcement just because it came after. I was processing my own jealousy of two writers over the weekend — one for her talent and one for his personality (or the way people describe his personality). And perhaps it’s more telling that I could have two books published and a two-book deal in hand and I STILL get jealous of other writers. It never ends. Though, you’re right — it’s envy and not jealousy because I don’t resent the fact that they can do what they do. I would be crushed if Rowling stopped writing. So I’m envious.
Here is another thing to consider; you like teaching, but you have regrets for not choosing a job… that when you think about it, you don’t really know if you’d like. Does that make sense? Judy Blume has a great essay where she talks about wanting to switch jobs after ten books; that she wasn’t sure she wasn’t having regrets over being a writer. I think we all have road not taken regrets when we look at other jobs, but if you had to live this profession, you may not find it any more satisfying than teaching. It has its ups and downs too.
I love the thoughts in the addendum. I think you hit on an important piece of advice that everyone should always keep in mind when making decisions — you can’t change people, so the person you are with in the moment is the person you’ll have down the road most likely. Unless THEY change, and that is something you can’t predict. So that person who has trouble communicating before marriage will still have trouble communicating after the wedding. I think too many times we stick with something that we think will change — I know I did that once with a job. I stuck it out for years saying it would change, it would change, it would change. Rather than looking at the facts in front of me and making a good decision based on what I knew.
I also don’t think that the choices you made took you on only one path and that it will be impossible to step onto a different path. This may not be the time to change paths. But when you are 40, 50, 60… it’s a long life. What is not possible to do now may become possible at a different time.
I could have written a post of this flavor when I was at the same life stage as you. Oddly, even though I *know* I was similarly uncomfortable with some of my life choices at the time, when I look back to this time period, where you are now, the sensation I have in my body is of “the good old days.” Time makes perception so untrustworthy. What I have now that I didn’t have then was simply a knowing that things always work out. One way or another, they work out.
You bring up two important points.
1. Trade offs: “The reality is that following my dreams requires sacrifice–emotional and financial.” Yes. For the reasons Mel says, you can’t second-guess the decisions you’ve made because you made them by looking at the trade-offs you faced at that time. But…
2. Wishful thinking: you have keen self-awareness of times when you made decisions based on how you WISHED your world was rather than how it actually was. I have certainly been guilty of the same, and I see these tendencies in one of my children.
I really don’t like the word “regret” because if I can’t change something, I don’t want to bother thinking or wishing about how I could. It’s in the past, it’s done. The only question that has an answer that can bring me happiness is: So, what shall I do now?
I completely understand where you are coming from. Although the decisions I made brought me to the place I am now, and there are completely wonderful things in that place, I do regret that I didn’t put more weight on things like career and income when it came to choosing a husband (his career and income). Although we do ok, these 2 things are MAJOR stressors that I don’t see my friends struggling with. I knew forever that I wanted to be a SAHM but didn’t really fully understand what this meant in terms of marrying a teacher. Anyway, I don’t think you should give up on your dreams because you think it’s too late- realisically, you are still young, and your kids won’t be so little and dependent forever, and you will have more time to pursue things you are interested in. This may not be the season, but that season will come.
I keep thinking … the thing about the road metaphor … is that you worry about not “arriving” somewhere if you switch roads. But life is not destination-oriented. Because we never know how long we’re going to live, we also never know where we’re going to go. Look at some of the people publishing books in our circle. They didn’t start out as MFAs, or as full time writers. They just wrote. And you can, too. It may be true that you have to give up some things. That you write at night after the house is quiet and the chores are done. That you write once a week on the weekends. But that choice is yours to make.
My students in college used to view their major as something tied to an occupation they would do for the Rest Of Their Lives. They were always shocked to discover that the average person our age changes careers — not jobs, but CAREERS — every seven years. Like, from lawyer to pastry chef. And that most people don’t end up doing anything related to their college majors. It was useful information to give them … because they could then make choices based on what they wanted to learn, rather than some arbitrary destination where they thought they would end up.
And … I hope that comment doesn’t come off as critical of you … it’s more my reflections about the conversations I had with (so, SO MANY! đŸ™‚ ) undergrads and alumni!
I love your distinction between jealousy and envy – it is so true. I shared this little pearl of wisdom with my DH tonight it was like a light went off for him. He finally understood my “jealous” feelings from 3 years ago when we could not get pregnant to save our lives. I feel a little more understood, thanks to you and this post.
Thank you!
And I just want to say that your perspective is so round. I love reading you because you look at things from a global perspective and scrutinize yourself the way that you scrutinize others. That’s very healthy.
I love lori’s comment. I have also tried REALLY hard in my life not to regret the choices I’ve made, but to live with them and adjust accordingly. it’s simply not worth the energy and anguish over something I can not change. I accept that we do the best we can under the circumstances, which no doubt change over time. plus I realize those choices led me down a path/s that forever changed my course, which cannot be undone.
for years, I had to remind myself that our lives are the result of choices we’ve made — e.g., we could’ve chosen to start trying for a baby when we were younger, we could’ve moved to a more affordable area, we could’ve chosen more profitable careers, etc. BUT we are who we are now because of those choices, for better or worse. we can’t know how changing any one factor would affect who we are today.
so as lori said, I think the more productive (and sane) way to view the situation is to consider what can be done now. if you want to write, what do you need to do to make that happen? for ex, could you cut back on blogging to focus on other work? or enlist help to free up some time for you? you’re doing what you can on the baby front, but even there I think you need to be gentle with yourself.
it’s a tough thing to do, to forgive yourself and be at peace with the past. I know my energy is too precious (and limited) to waste on regret and anger.
the topic of envy vs. jealousy comes up a lot, for some reason, btw. I’ve always associated envy with coveting, while jealousy includes some begrudging or resentment too.
Justine’s point flabbergasted me. We change careers every seven years? Surely not? But I look at myself and Darcy and darned if that is not true!!
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