Monthly Goal FAIL and Logistical Issues of the Heart

Well I got it up. The maiden post of my new blog. This is the response I got at home for my accomplishment.

I have to admit, I’ve been unsure of the direction of my new blog. I wasn’t even sure what I was going to write. But now that it’s started I’m delighted to find I have myriad posts swimming around in my head. I can’t wait to start writing them.

I realized that I never updated on how my goals went for last month. The two I was focusing on were (1) getting in bed by 10:30pm and (2) getting through four lessons on Illustrator. Unfortunately I have to declare a giant FAIL for both. While I did manage to get in bed ay 10:30pm about 2-3 times a week on average, that is not the 5 times a week I had hoped for. In fact, that is achieving my goal about 40%-60% of the time. So I earned an F or D- for myself on that one. I earned an even lower grade on my Illustrator goal, completely 1.5 of 4 lessons. That’s about a 35% – yet another F. Yikes! I’ve never gotten less than a C in my life! I gotta step it up.

Now I’m trying to decide it I want to keep the same goals or start new ones. Part of me feels like I should stick with the same two goals as I didn’t actually achieved them (at all). I especially feel I should keep the “in bed early” goal because that is something I need to start doing to improve my day to day quality of life. So I guess I’ll repeat that goal again. As for the other, I’m not sure. Should I move to the the exercise goal I was passing on until Daylight Savings took effect? Should I attempt three goals? This seems like a hasty move when I failed both goals miserably last time. Still, they are all important to me.

I suppose I will do a mixture of both. I will continue the “getting to bed by 10:30pm” goal. I will modify my Illustrator goal to complete two lessons this month and I will add the exercise goal of running (or fast walking) twice a week. At the end of the month we’ll see if I at least pass these goals with a C or higher. Sheesh.

On an entirely different note, I’ve been trying to decide what my new identity will be on my other blog. Or if I even need a new identity. I’m not sure I could juggle one if I wanted to but part of me feels I really should try.

Right now my “name” on the new blog is “Esperanza” just as it is here. There are pros and cons for keeping it that way. People in the ALI blog world “know me” as Esperanza and using that name keeps a certain continuity, especially with commenting. In fact, commenting is the main reason I feel I should keep my name as Esperanza on the new blog. It just seems it would be too hard to switch back and forth when commenting, using Esperanza on my ALI blogs and a different name on blogs I find through Second Hand Happiness.

As the same time, the name Esperanza is meaningful to me as it relates to one aspect of my life; pregnancy loss and TTC. I choose that word (which means ‘hope’ in Spanish) long before I started my blog, when I had it engraved on a fertility bracelet. I did this even before my loss and wearing it during and after my loss reminded me that even if hope didn’t reside in my head, it still lingered somewhere in my heart. Esperanza is the name I’ve used while supporting other ALI bloggers and asking for their support. It’s the name I use as I continue to navigate my life with the scars of pregnancy loss and the anxieties about TTC ever present. Esperanza represents that part of myself.

One of the reasons I started a new blog for my new project (instead of including it on Stumbling Gracefully) was because I wanted to branch out and see if there were another “me” I was capable of sharing with the world. This “me” would still be touched (very deeply) by her loss and her future worries, but those losses and worries would not be at the forefront of her thinking. They would be in the background, surely influencing her thoughts but not occupying them or being openly discussed. That subtle difference is important and I want it preserved. I feel writing under a different name on Second Hand Happiness might be necessary for me to maintain the distinction. No matter what I decide I better figure it out soon.

Do you blog under an assumed name? Does that name mean something special to you? Do you think I should blog under a new name at Second Hand Happiness? Why or why not?

Weekend Resolution Round-up

Okay, my resolution was to actually keep checking in on my goals and I promised I’d do it every week or so. Of course it’s already three weeks into January and I haven’t posted anything about my goals, but (surprisingly?) I have been keeping track of them. I’ve actually been using an App on my iPhone to mark when I’ve been achieving my goals. To make things easier, I will be rating myself with smily faces for each goal. 🙂 🙂 means I did great, 🙂 means I did well, 🙂 😦 means I did okay, 😦 means I want to do better and 😦 😦 means I go to jail, I do not pass Go and I do not collect $200.

Eating my fruits and veggies. 😦 I had some good days but I also had some horrible days and the horrible days out numbered the good ones.

Cleaning the house. 😦 While I did do some work around the house it was never more than basic maintenance. I am planning on cleaning the shower today but I can’t count that when it hasn’t been done.

Practicing mindfulness. 😦 😦 I did absolutely nothing for this goal. I’m really disappointed about that.

Exercise. 🙂 😦 I didn’t do much walking but I did go on my first post-pregnancy run. It was fabulous actually and I would have gone again on Friday and Sunday but my running stroller has a defect and is veering left really strongly when the front wheel is locked so I’m waiting for a replacement in the mail. My plan is to run 3-5 miles on Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. We shall see!

In bed by 10:30. 😦 😦 Epic Fail on this one. Seriously. How hard is it to get my ass in bed at a reasonable time? Evidently really hard.

Plan/grade papers. 🙂 😦 I did okay on this one, mostly because I used time during my Study Skills class to grade papers and asked other teachers if I could borrow their Peer Helpers to do the mindless stuff. Still, I’m behind on my grading so I can’t say I did great on this one.

Mi.Vida time. 🙂 We’ve been making “time for each other” once a week and in my book that is good stuff! I’m sure we could do better, but I’m pretty happy with this so far.

Saving money. 😦 We hardly ate out at all this month, which I’m very pleased about. But I did buy some things here and there that weren’t necessary. I still need to work harder on this goal.

Working on my book. 😦 I almost gave this two sad faces but I realized I have been reading through the one book on writing children’s books and last night I finally started sketching illustration ideas, so I guess I deserve some recognition for that.

So far I’m trending towards 😦 for my goals overall and that is okay. It’s a work in progress. Many of these are life-style changes and I don’t expect them to happen over night, or even over the course of three weeks. I talked to my therapist yesterday about how the state of my house causes me anxiety and she suggested I just do 15-20 minutes of work every day. I think that is a great idea, and I’ve thought of it myself, but I’ve never followed through. Still, seeing how badly I did with that goal I’m more motivated than ever to give it a try, so we shall see.

I think what needs to happen is I need to let go of the idea of having so much “me” time at night. I also need to cut out some things. Right now my Creme de la Creme Attempt is taking up a ton of time. The thing is, I read so many posts from there on my phone throughout the day and then I need to catch up on the commenting when I get home, or I forget what the posts were about. So I’m still trying to figure that out. The reality is, there are only so many (few?) hours in the evenings and something has got to give, especially if I want to do 20 minutes of work around the house, practice mindfulness and get in bed by 10:30 while still keeping up with the laundry and getting some papers graded every once in a while. I’ll start experimenting with new schedules this week. Wish me luck!