The Plunge

The plunge happened. Two days ago. One day early actually (this concerns me slightly). Today’s temp confirmed that it wasn’t just a fluke. After some nice triphasal patterning, (and continued heavy-feeling, sore breasts) I have to admit I was surprised. I guess we didn’t make the winning goal in this game.

I’ll be honest: It hit me harder than I expected. Being stuck in a bedroom with my daughter, both of us exhausted but awake, not willing to get up for over two hours, didn’t help. Neither did getting something in the mail, something I hoped to use to tell Mi.Vida the good news (if there were any good news to share), didn’t help either.

But there were no tears, just some pricklies behind my eyes. And now I’m just waiting for the final blow so I can get on with it and start again.

Thank goodness for another chance, right?

I’m actually spending these days stressing on the timing of these next two cycles because if I ovulate early for either of them, we’ll miss our chance in July, as I’ll be away with some girl friends for four days–right at the worst time. So I just want to ovulate on day 13 for the next to cycles. I’m really focusing on having all the chances I can.

Counting out like that, realizing how little time there is left before we start getting into
the “later than we would have like” territory, thinking about possible losses and set backs and how far apart my children will likely be, I get panicky. I get scared. Really scared.

But then I remind myself that it will be okay. Ultimately, even if NOTHING goes according to plan, it will be okay.

I mean, my sister and I have seven years between us and our lives turned out alright. I can do this, whatever “this” ends up being. I have to.

So with a somewhat heavy heart and some definite melancholy I go into this long weekend. I also go in with a case of Diet Coke, two six packs of beer and some out-of-town friends. Needless to say I will be taking advantage of not being pregnant. Frequent and whole-hearted advantage.

And frankly, having friends here with two perfectly spaced (three years apart) kids does more to humble me than inspire jealousy. Having two kids looks like some hard fucking work. Neither gets a moment of alone time all day. It is a good reminder of what we’re working towards, that it’s not all unicorn farts and fairy queefs. Not at all.

I mean, I know that, but a tangible reminder never hurts.

Oh, and after some drama on my other site I put up a post about what I learned. It was definitely an eye opening experience.

Confessional Fridays: I don’t wanna (the completed version)

Turns out I posted some unfinished version of this many hours ago. I have no idea what version that was. OOPS! Anyway, in case you get my posts via reader, here it is again, in it’s completed form:

I wrote that title and then I navigated away from the page. I came back and re-read what I had written and I laughed. I could write on numerous topics for that title. Here are just some of the posts that could follow the title of “I don’t wanna…”

… clean my house.

…. go to work.

… eat my veggies (more on this soon).

… grade papers.

… do my taxes.

… ever swipe my VISA at Babies R Us again.

… be a responsible spender.

The list goes on and on. In fact, the topic of this post might seem a little strange, surprising even. Because what I don’t wanna do is, take birth control.

Queue the snorts, muffled laughter and/or down right hysterics. Take birth control? you might think. I’m my own, unintended birth control, I WISH I had to TAKE something to not get pregnant, but I can do that all by my lonesome.

I get it. I really do.

I guess now would be the appropriate time to offer some back story. In the interest of keeping this brief I will use bullet points.

– Amenorreha from 18-26. Take BCP every couple of years to jump start menstruation but it never sticks.

– Meet Mi.Vida and take BCP for 2.5 years while we’re together.

– Me: VERY eager to start a family with Mi.Vida when we realize we’re in it for the long haul. Mi.Vida: not so much; the opposite, in fact. It takes us a while to come to an understanding.

– I start acupuncture/TCM diet/Chinese herbs before we start in an attempt to keep menstruating once I’m off the pill.

– Queue TTC with BBT charting, OPK sticks and timed intercourse.

– In the space of about a year we have one ectopic pregnancy and then quickly become pregnant with our daughter.

So back to birth control. Basically, I hate taking the pill. Of course it’s annoying to have to take it every day at the same time of day. And every three months I have to remember to order it before I run out. I also don’t like putting synthetic hormones in my body, altering the way it works. But my biggest complaint with BCP is that it decimates my libido.

And that is the other confession for my post. Some (most?) of the time, “I don’t wanna” also applies to sex. But it’s not really that I don’t want to have sex, it more like I don’t really care if we do. I know that sounds horrible to say, but it’s the truth. Well, not the whole truth. I mean, I do want to have sex because I feel great after we do it and I KNOW it makes our relationship better, deeper, closer. And it’s not like I don’t like to have sex, because I do. And once I get into it, I’m into it and I enjoy it very much. But before I’m in the throes of it, almost always I could take it or leave it, in equal measure. I just don’t have that drive inside of me. And I think it’s because of the pill, because I felt this way long before having my daughter.

Lately I’ve been needling Mi.Vida about not wanting to take the pill but I’ve never asked us to really look into possible alternatives. Last night and this morning we got into a little tiff about it. Today I sent Mi.Vida the following in an email:

Recently, since I’ve been trying hard to make “our time” a more important and integral part of our relationship, I wonder again if the pill has something to do with my decreased libido… Sometimes, when I feel so much pressure to make sure our sex life is healthy and thriving I can’t help but feel resentful that I’m taking something that could potentially make it harder for me to do that.

So that is where I’m coming from. I feel really stuck in the middle. On the one hand I know it’s the optimal form of birth control for us, on the other hand I think it might be making it difficult for me to be an enthusiastic participant in our sex life, which is also really important to our relationship. The fact that this is something that physically alters the workings of my body doesn’t help much.

When I say optimal, what I mean is most effective with the least amount of hassle. My go-to family planning alternative is charting to avoid (or whatever it’s called in Taking Charge of Your Fertility). Mi.Vida’s is condoms. Neither of us feels very enthusiastically about each other’s alternative (and Mi.Vida doesn’t feel very enthusiastically about his own, quite frankly).

Mi.Vida is very adamant about family planning. He does NOT want us to have a child before we’re “ready”. I’m not so worried about it, I think it would be kind of fun to just get pregnant while we’re really not trying. A part of me even thinks it’s silly to worry about it when so many months of perfectly timed intercourse with semen-friendly Pre-Seed yielded nothing. Mi.Vida could not disagree more. I know his is the responsible way to approach things but it’s just not what I feel in my heart. My take is that we’re in the “family planning” part of our lives, for me an unplanned BFP would be the best kind of surprise. For Mi.Vida it would just be unplanned, and possibly burdensome.

So that is where we are right now. I’ve decided I’ll look more into tempting to avoid and present my case to him when I’m ready. In the meantime, I’m renewing my prescription today or tomorrow for another three months of the pill. I guess I’m fine with whatever we decide as long as we’ve explored all our options.

In the meantime, can anyone recommend some effective aphrodisiacs?

And for all of you who are here for ICLW – welcome (and sorry for the sex talk)!