Where I’ve Been

I’m sorry I was gone for so long. As Polly reminded me last week, I owe you all $20.

I didn’t think I’d stop writing for almost three weeks. I’ve never done that before. Usually the need to write is almost primal. But the past few weeks have been a perfect storm of epic shit and my hiatus ended up being a lot longer than I expected.

There were a lot of reasons I didn’t make it back when I thought I would, some of them complicated and personal, some of them mundane and logistical. Some of them I can write about and some of them I can’t.

That is one of the biggest reasons I stayed away. There was a lot going on and I couldn’t write about it. Not really. I have always been honest here–to a fault, really–and knowing that I couldn’t write everything at the forefront of my mind made it impossible to write anything at all. It’s still making it hard to write even now. There are few things I dislike as much as vague blogging and I loathe to be engaging in it right now. I just felt like I had to mention one of the main reasons I didn’t make it back for so long. This blogging thing can be complicated.

The truth is, these past few weeks I was a mess. A total emotional disaster. And I didn’t feel safe writing about it here, so I tried to weather the unrelenting storms without this space. It was strange, to work through so much without being able to process things through my words–and your responses–but I managed better than I thought I would. Mostly I just soldiered ahead, putting one foot in front of the other, pulling my car over when the sobbing rendered me unable to drive. I took steps to take care of myself–the most important of which was to keep exercising. I think that is the main reason I made it this far… I never missed a workout. There was one day, at the nadir of my mental and emotional shit storm, when all I wanted to do during Monito’s nap was curl up and pass out, but I made myself get on the elliptical and then I pushed myself through the 30 Day Shred and I swear to god it was like I was a new person afterward. The complete 180 I experienced emotionally was nothing short of miraculous and I will be remembering how good working out made me feel a lot this year when I’m tired and all I want to do is sleep.

It’s been really hard to write, logistically, as well. I’ve been back at work for two weeks, and even though our students didn’t start until last Monday, I made myself wake up at 5:35am every day the week before (when we had to be at work for professional development and staff days) to practice getting to school for my new 7am class. This new, earlier wake up time requires a new, earlier bedtime. On school nights I’m making myself get into bed around 10pm so I can be asleep by 10:30pm. This is only an hour earlier than I used to go to bed, but that hour was one of the few I had for me-related activities, like writing. Sacrificing that “me” time for sleep is going to make writing really difficult. I’m still not quite sure how I’m going to find the time now that I need to be in bed only an hour after Osita usually falls asleep. I’m can’t even seem to set aside time to fold the laundry; writing and editing a blog post is all but impossible.

There were other things happening as well, that made it made it hard to take time for myself. Monito got two new teeth and finally started crawling. The transition to me being away in the mornings has been hard on Osita, and Mi.Vita as well. There has been a lot of random shit I need to do at my managing editor position with the magazine. And of course, preparing for the first week of school. To say I have been busy would be an understatement.

I hoping things will be calming down now. I really want to get my new space up and running. I’m excited to write there. At the same time I’m really sad to walk away from this space. I never thought I’d do it, and a part of me can’t really believe that I will. When I first decided to start writing under a new name and in a new space, I assumed I’d continuing posting here when it felt necessary to do so, but the past few weeks have made it clear to me that I need to shut this door behind me when I go. I’ll leave this blog up–that is the plan for now–but as soon as my new space is ready for me, I’ll be writing, exclusively, there.

It’s hard to imagine walking away from this space indefinitely, but I do think it’s time to move on. I’ve never been good at transitions and I’m sure this will be hard for me, but I also know it is, ultimately, the right move. I hope you all agree.

{I want to thank you all for your kind words upon my return. Knowing that I was missed while I was away… well it means more than I can say. And knowing that so many of you will keep reading me even after I move… well it gives me the courage to actually take these steps. Thank you.}

3 responses

  1. Sorry to hear you’ve been through some rough stuff. It must be really hard if it’s making you pull over your car to cry. 😦

    I know it will be hard to leave this space, but I think it’ll be made easier by the fact that you will still be writing. You will still have readers. Maybe it so t be every day, but I’m sure you’ll find time. I’m looking forward to reading.

  2. I am not sure if I have ever commented here. I have been a regular reader since April 2010 so I may have, but it would not be regularly. I can’t remember how I found your blog, but I do remember I was searching for working mom blogs as in April of 2010 I had just returned to work after having my daughter. Your honestly about everyday (and some extraordinary) struggles really helped me to feel normal as I worked to navigate my new life. As bad luck would have it, I also experienced secondary infertility during the same time as you. I can remember sitting in the exam room waiting for my second IUI and reading your pregnancy announcement. That IUI did not work but the third one did and my son is about 6 weeks younger than yours.

    Thank you again for all the work you have put into writing such a meaningful blog.

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