The Initial Steps

“The initial steps are the hardest to make, even if they are small.”

Those were the wise words Mi.Vida sent to me as I tearfully lost my shit on Friday afternoon. I was feeling frustrated by all the effort I was putting into these really difficult goals, feeling like I wasn’t making the gains I had been hoping to. My VISA bill wasn’t as low as I had hoped it would be this month. And I still hadn’t pushed through the 160 mark on my weight loss. (I want to see 15… on the scale so bad!) I was sick of depriving myself. I was sick of making the responsible choice. I was sick of agonizing over decisions that used to be so easy to make (because I just did whatever I wanted). I was just sick, of all of it.

And I really, really, REALLY wanted a bag of Cheez-its.

So I did what any self respecting adult would do, and I had a pity party meltdown for one, on the drive home from work on Friday.

It wasn’t pretty. In fact, it was pretty embarrassing.

Luckily Mi.Vida stepped up, like he always does when I’m losing my shit for no reason, and talked me down.

And once I had a handle on things, I realized this might all be PMS, because I had my first period almost three weeks ago and I’m a 21 day cycle kind of gal so that means I’m due to have another period any day now.

Realizing it might be my period made me feel a little bit better about what a sniveling pansy ass I was being. I mean, good lord, I have SO MUCH going for me. And sure, while I didn’t hit my goals exactly, I GOT CLOSER TO THEM. We ate out less, we cooked at home more, we spent less on groceries, I spent less on random stuff. WE MADE PROGRESS! PROGRESS IS GOOD! Why can’t I focus on what I have? On what I’ve accomplished? Instead of looking past it at what I don’t have and what I failed to accomplish.

Sometimes when I read rants on FB or the ggmg forums (which I only go to when my magazine work necessitates a visit because those women are CRAY CRAY) or sometimes even on blogs (these are rarely written by those in the ALI community, I read a lot of random other blogs now too) I think WHY DON’T THESE PEOPLE HAVE ENOUGH SELF AWARENESS TO REALIZE HOW MUCH THEY HAVE!? And then I get all ranty about my own life, DESPITE having enough self awareness to realize how fucking awesome I have it, and I think KETTLE, MEET BLACK, because SERIOUSLY I am fucking lucky as fuck. And I need to cool my jets and remember that.

And then I’m hungry and the only thing that sounds good is chips. And I’m not talking a few chips, to satiate my craving but A WHOLE BAG OF SALTY, OILY, AMAZING JALAPEÑO KETTLE CHIPS, that I eat in one sitting, only stopping every once in a while to lick the intoxicating jalapeño flavor dust off my fingers. But I know I can’t have a whole bag of chips or I’ll spend the rest of the week in a shame spiral because OH MY GOD I JUST ATE A WHOLE BAG OF CHIPS I’M NEVER GOING TO LOSE THIS FUCKING WEIGHT.

So yeah. Then that happens, and then my son gags up a speck of banana and won’t even touch the special Japanese sweet potatoes that my dad bought and I made for him and then my cat shits on the kitchen floor and then the diaper sprayer stops working, in the middle of my son’s, HEY I’M GOING TO POOP LITERALLY TEN TIMES A DAY (seriously, NOT an exaggeration, he’s been pooping at every diaper change, WTF) and I decide that my life is THE WORST and I better go write a whiny post about it.

Except I did make myself wait a day, so it’s not as bad as it would have been (yeah, this is the LESS BAD post. Aren’t you glad I didn’t write it on Friday?!)

The icing on the cake is that then I had to wake up and go to work, which both sucks in that I have to go to work on a SATURDAY and also that Mi.Vida is somehow doing me a favor by watching our kids so I can GO TO WORK. What a shitty way to use up a, Hey, can I get out of the house? kind of favor. This is when I REALLY hate being a working mom.

So I made myself a bit of a compromise and spent the first thirty minutes of said work time writing this post (because I learned long ago that if I have a post like this one in me, I am best served just spending the twenty minutes to write it, otherwise my brain will be writing it the whole time I’m trying to do the stuff I’m supposed to be doing.) And now I will publish this post, and then go about my business grading ALL THE PAPERS so that at the end of next week, when it’s both my daughter’s fourth birthday AND grades are due, I won’t be even more of a crazy psycho path than I am right now.

I hope you’re all having a great weekend. Sorry to taint it with my bitter ramblings. I promise the next time you hear from me I’ll be way less obnoxious.

{Oh, and PS, THANK YOU for all your supportive words and advice about the solid foods fiasco. I feel WAY better about it now, and I’ll definitely be taking a break for a bit. SO THANK YOU. I would be even more of a basket case without all of you amazing women helping to prop me up.}

Do you ever just want to throw in the towel on your hard to meet goals (or just life in general)? What do you do?


3 responses

  1. Actually, the fact that you had that meltdown, instead of just eating the chips, shows a huge amount of self-control. I totally would’ve just eaten something I shouldn’t. Give yourself some credit for that!

    Sometimes it’s frustrating to think other people have it so good. Other times it’s validating, like hey, the reason this feels so hard to me is that it IS. It’s not just me.

    Anyway, I hope you feel better now that you’ve gotten that out. And sorry you have to work on a Saturday!

  2. Ugh, I am so sorry you had to work on a Saturday- that totally sucks, and you are justified to be upset about it. And I hope the meltdown somehow helped get those emotions out and made you feel a little bit better- I am struggling right now because I CAN’T cry/meltdown and my emotions get all bottled up and it comes out in little spurts of anger/bitchiness. I just want a good cry, but somehow I just can’t. Sigh.

    I hope you got your work completed and can have a relaxing Sunday with your family!

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