My period showed up today.
It’s been kind of brutal–I’ve been an emotional and physical mess all day. I remember my first postpartum period after Osita was born was pretty intense too.
And of course, with my period come ALL THE EMOTIONS. I mean, we’re never trying again, so it doesn’t really mean anything, and yet, it means everything.
I have so many conflicting thoughts about this. On the one hand, it’s good I’m getting my period again, it means my body is producing the hormones it needs to function properly. I WANT my body to function properly. The alternative–amenorrhea–means things are not working as they should. With my diminished ovarian reserve, a lack of a period could mean I’m going into early menopause. I don’t want to have to do HRT now, or ever, so getting my period is a very good thing.
And yet… there is a part of me that will feel annoyed if everything seems to be working swimmingly down there. If I start getting beautiful EWCM and my cycles are a normal length (usually they are a very short 20 days)… well that will just piss me off. I had to work really hard to lengthen my cycles and prime my body for conception, when it clearly wasn’t interested in doing it on it’s own. If it looks my body IS doing it on its own now, I’m going to be angry.
And I’m going to be thinking, well, if things are working well down there, maybe we could… Except we can’t. Even if things were in working, and I wanted to, we can’t. And that has to be okay.
So I’m not sure how to feel. I want my period to come back and be regular because that means I’m healthy and healthy is good (obviously). And yet I don’t want to think everything’s great down there because then I’ll wonder What if? And Why then? and all sorts of other useless, unanswerable, tortuous questions.
And of course, my period will always be a reminder of the dozens of times we tried, and failed to get pregnant. It will always be a reminder of past failures and past pain. It will always be wrapped up in that desperate feeling of Why me? and What am I doing wrong? and Why am I broken?
Ugh. Being a woman sucks. Being infertile sucks more.
I hate this shit.
Does your monthly cycle torment you? Will it ever stop imposing such a heavy burden?