I was in the middle of a post tonight when Mi.Vida and I got into a… fight? I’m not even sure what it was. Voices were not raised. Anger was not expressed. And yet I walked away from it emotionally exhausted. Of course I was already exhausted to begin with, which is probably why it never evolved into a real fight.
Sometimes we’re too tired even to fight. And those are the times I really worry about.
Our little… discussion, was about television. Such a dumb thing to “fight” over and yet, it’s basically the only thing we share outside of our children anymore. As such, it’s actually really important. So when we’re feeling like we can’t find any common ground when it comes to TV/movie watching, (and my inability to sit still and watch a whole movie starts pushing a wedge between us), it’s actually big, important stuff. I mean, if we can’t hang out in front of the TV effectively, we’re pretty much fucked.
This weekend was hard. Monito isn’t sleeping well because he has cold. Osita has the same cold and is an emotional mess because of it. Mi.Vida and I are exhausted from the lack of sleep and the constant attention our kids require. We muddled through the weekend, and did a pretty decent job of it. I even patted us on the back during dinner Sunday night for not going after each other despite so many opportunities to do so.
Maybe that is why we imploded over television, because we couldn’t keep all that tension bottled up any longer.
I don’t know. It just sucked. Sometimes I hate those cold, rational fights more than the big blow ups. There is something in the deliberate, calculated nature of them that makes me feel hopeless. If we can’t even conjure the energy to get passionate about the things that are important to us, is there anything left between us?
Or maybe we’re just better at fighting, and so we don’t lose control. On the one hand, I appreciate not regretting anything I said or did, the tone in my voice, etc. On the other hand, I feel more depressed after the cold fights than I do the firery ones. Maybe they just take some getting used to.
One thing I was proud of was recognizing when my own shame was rising up, making me want to say things I would have regretted. The fact that I can’t sit still for an entire movie, and that I struggle to follow even one hours TV programs that I want to be watching, is definitely a cause of shame for me. But I recognized that even before Mi.Vida brought it up (I knew he’d mention it, he always does) and I kept myself from jumping on him in an attempt to hide my shame. I guess in that way, the fight was a success.
Anyway, I’m sure we’re just tired, and eventually it will be okay. Life with two kids can be really hard, and some days are more challenging than others.
I just hope we get some decent sleep tonight. It’s going to be a long week at work, I don’t want to start off on the wrong foot.
Do you find you and your partner having “cold” fights? Do you prefer them to the more heated blow ups?