I’m in a strange place right now.
I guess you could say I’m struggling. Mostly I just feel off. Like I’m unfamiliar in my own skin. I’m constantly second guessing myself. I just feel so very unsure.
I’m trying to treat myself with compassion. I’m trying really, really hard.
I honestly don’t know what else to say about it. I feel like I should put it out there, but I can’t wrap it up in a neat little bow. Heck, I can’t even even get it in a box. It’s a mess. I’m a mess.
But I’ll be okay. I’m still reveling in my sweet, sweet boy. I’m still enjoying my big, crazy girl. There is a lot of static in my relationship right now, but I know we’ll get back to where we want to be. It will take some work, but we’ll get there. And Mi.Vida is being very understanding in the interim.
One thing I am noticing is a failure on my part to make space for myself in my own life, or what’s left of it (sometimes it feels like my life belongs to my children, but that is fodder for another post). It feels like the needs of other loom so much larger than my own–it’s easier to push down my own feelings and ignore my own needs than deny my family my presence. My son, and especially my daughter, want to be with me whenever they can. They are already kept away from me for the majority of the work week–it feels wrong to spend any of the precious time I’m not working away from them. And of course, my husband would like to see me once in a while too.
There are no easy answers here, and I doubt I’ll feel much better for a good while. But I will eventually get there, and that is the most important part. In the meantime I’m trying to accept feeling this way, to notice it without judgement. I know things will get better. And they aren’t even that bad now. I just want to feel like myself again, comfortable in my own skin. Hopefully it will happen soon.
Do you ever feel… off… for long periods of time? How do you get your equilibrium back?