Strange Place

I’m in a strange place right now.

I guess you could say I’m struggling. Mostly I just feel off. Like I’m unfamiliar in my own skin. I’m constantly second guessing myself. I just feel so very unsure.

I’m trying to treat myself with compassion. I’m trying really, really hard.

I honestly don’t know what else to say about it. I feel like I should put it out there, but I can’t wrap it up in a neat little bow. Heck, I can’t even even get it in a box. It’s a mess. I’m a mess.

But I’ll be okay. I’m still reveling in my sweet, sweet boy. I’m still enjoying my big, crazy girl. There is a lot of static in my relationship right now, but I know we’ll get back to where we want to be. It will take some work, but we’ll get there. And Mi.Vida is being very understanding in the interim.

One thing I am noticing is a failure on my part to make space for myself in my own life, or what’s left of it (sometimes it feels like my life belongs to my children, but that is fodder for another post). It feels like the needs of other loom so much larger than my own–it’s easier to push down my own feelings and ignore my own needs than deny my family my presence. My son, and especially my daughter, want to be with me whenever they can. They are already kept away from me for the majority of the work week–it feels wrong to spend any of the precious time I’m not working away from them. And of course, my husband would like to see me once in a while too.

There are no easy answers here, and I doubt I’ll feel much better for a good while. But I will eventually get there, and that is the most important part. In the meantime I’m trying to accept feeling this way, to notice it without judgement. I know things will get better. And they aren’t even that bad now. I just want to feel like myself again, comfortable in my own skin. Hopefully it will happen soon.

Do you ever feel… off… for long periods of time? How do you get your equilibrium back?

5 responses

  1. Yes, I definitely sometimes feel off for long periods of time. And it seems like one of those finger traps — the harder I try to pull myself out of it, the longer I stay in it. So I accept that blue is the place where I’m at in the moment and then start the hoping process that it ends soon.

  2. I feel off almost all winter. I hate being cooped up but it’s hard to get out every day with two littles in the winter time. We do get out 99% of the time, even if just for gas or drive thru. That doesn’t make me feel better though. Sigh.

    I just need spring to be able to reconnect with myself. I need sunshine and some warmth. I need quiet time to myself. I’ll make it happen, somehow.

    I’m writing this after spending 45 goddamn minutes trying to coax Matthew to sleep (I won) and now listening to Bryson cry off and on in his crib (teeth). I only probably have 20 minutes before Bryson wakes up, and I’m trying to lay still with my snuggling cat who is likely “graduating” this weekend. 😥 Yeah, you’re not the only one living for everyone else right now. It can be really, REALLY hard.

  3. I d on’t mean to be condescending, but…perhaps are you very sleep-deprived? I felt that way when C was first born, and I was kind of bracing myself for feeling that way for months (or years). I was surprised at how quickly I got back to having moments of feeling normal, and how quickly being the mommy of two got to feel normal as well. I don’t mean it happened quickly, but it was less than a year (8-9 months?), which was better than I’d expected. And a lot of it had to do with sleep.

    Good luck to you!

  4. We have so much in common. I’ve been feeling all of this too. Yes, feeling like my life is not my own, but also the general blahness/oppressiveness/sadness when nothing is wrong. I look around at my life and I LOVE it. But then sometimes I feel so tired and sad. I’m convinced it’s still biological/postpartum. Not to mention the lack of sleep I’ve been getting these past few weeks!

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