Life Right Now

Wow. Thank you all SO MUCH for your incredible advice on eczema and how I can provide some relief for my poor boy. I was taken aback as the comments just kept pouring in. You all know SO MUCH and I now feel well armed to fight this battle. I’m so annoyed that I didn’t bring this to all of you sooner–my poor boy would have suffered less if I had asked you all months ago. Live and learn, I guess.

I’m not quite sure what to write tonight. I have lots of ideas in a document on my computer but none of them are inspiring me tonight. And I couldn’t just not write anything, because honestly, the idea of that makes me kind of anxious. I think I’m a bit addicted to blogging. Not having a post scheduled to go up while I sleep makes me antsy. I’m trying to figure out what why that is. Maybe it’s just that this space constitutes about 90% of my social life, so when I don’t put something up I feel lonely. Is that crazy? Probably.

Life is pretty good right now. Really good, actually. Monito turns four months old this week and at some point in the last month, things settled down. Monito started sleeping through the night (10-12 hours straight most nights) a couple of weeks before I went back to work. A bad cold sidelined his sleep schedule for a bit, but he bounced back pretty quickly. As I started getting more sleep, everything else began feeling more manageable. (Funny how that works, huh?)

Going back to work wasn’t that bad. Of course, I had two really easy weeks (and now I’m off for President’s Week), so I’m not really sure what it will be like as things get more hectic and stressful. So far I like my schedule well enough. It sucks not having an opportunity to socialize at work, and I do feel isolated, but I love having a few hours alone with baby boy before big sister comes home. And now that I don’t see Osita in the mornings, I’m really missing her by the end of the day, which makes the challenging hours before bed more palatable.

There are some things that are really stressing me out, finances being at the top of that list. I got a call from HR last week telling me that I couldn’t contribute to my 403b account this month because I was only getting $190 and my usual contribution is $300. So yeah, that is sobering. Next month’s check will be back to normal, but this month is obviously really bad. We still haven’t been picked up by Mi.Vida’s insurance at work, and it looks like we won’t in March either. We expected (and I had budgeted for) a start date in December. At $1500 a month, that is $6500 I didn’t think we needed, that we have been spending. To say we’re not making ends meet is an understatement. I’ve already taken a significant amount out of my “emergency” savings account and opened a roll over VISA bill that I’m paying off monthly. Basically, at this point, I’m relying on our tax refund to catapult us out of this ever growing pit of debt that we’re falling into. If we don’t get picked up by Mi.Vida’s insurance soon it could mean our financial ruin. (And please don’t ask why it’s not happening, it’s a source of endless frustration for me and I really can’t explain it, just please know that *I* am doing everything that *I* can to help things along, which, not shockingly, isn’t much.)

And then there is the fact that I can’t seem to put a cap on my spending. I’m doing better than I ever have, but I’m not doing as well as I should be. I seem incapable of curbing my spending habits to the degree necessary. It’s a source of enormous shame and I’m not quite ready to really delve into it here, but I felt it would be insincere of me to omit it entirely.

There is also some intense body hatred going on in this house (by me, in case you were wondering). My hunger feels out of control–I’m ravenous day and night–and then I feel crushing guilt for all the crap I ate. It’s no wonder I can’t seem to drop even a pound, despite burning 350 calories a day making breastmilk. Again, this is an issue I need to address but I just can’t seem to write about it. Hopefully soon.

All in all, though, life is really very good. Monito is a truly chill baby. We call him Mellow Man (among other things) and we are constantly in awe of how low key he is. I’m starting to realize just how tightly wound his sister was, even at this age. It’s a relief to experience a different kind of babyhood. I hope this trend continues into his toddler years. I am so grateful for how pleasant caring for Monito is, I really don’t think we could manage if he were more demanding.

So that is a little glimpse into our lives, right now. In most ways, things are better than I expected them to be. In the few ways that they are not, I’m figuring it out, or at least trying to. Life is good. I can’t complain. And I guess that doesn’t really make for interesting blogging.

How are you doing these days? Anything turning out harder, or easier, than you expected?

3 responses

  1. When there was no new post from you this morning, I actually contemplated sending you message to see whether you were okay!

    I’ve been trying to live with no unnecessary expenses for years now, and I can tell you it’s impossible. What works best for me is a few small indulgences, and then be frugal with the rest. For Instance, I just got a new purse very cheap on Amazon, and it’s making me happy all day.

  2. I loved reading all the ideas for helping eczema on your last post. Certainly something I will be trying with Aiden as well.
    Something that really helped us with our finances when I ended up quitting teaching and being a SAHM was the Dave Ramsey plan. It’s a really great financial plan/course that focuses on getting out of debt, building retirement/wealth, and saving money. It has helped us so much. We pay with cash on most items and have zero credit cards and only one student loan before we are debt free (minus mortgage). I hate dealing with financial stuff, but this was a great eye-opening program (he has a book you can read too)
    How am I doing these days? Well, since you asked….shitty. I’m struggling big time and I feel like I’m just sinking deeper and deeper into a sleep deprived, grumpy abyss. My baby won’t sleep or nap, Aiden is a handful, and I’m barely hanging on. I want a weekend ALONE in a hotel to sleep, eat, blog (because I barely find time to do that), and shit in quiet. šŸ™‚ I’m struggling with some intense body hatred too, so I can relate. All things with losing weight, diets, whatever just suck right now. I want to eat CONSTANTLY. Maybe it’s because we are both breastfeeding (YES, pumping counts!) or stress, but I want to eat everything in sight.
    Hope you are having a much better week than me!

  3. I held on to several extra pounds while nursing that were much easier to drop when I stopped (they are back now, because stress eating, but they had gone away for a while!). I mean, I was running a LOT, yet, I was starving all the time and just coudn’t cut back any further. Once I stopped nursing, the hunger was STILL THERE, but I could deal with it until it eventually tapered off and I stopped snacking so much. I know its hard to accept changes in your body, but I tried to remember that as long as I was lactating, my body still wasn’t quite “my own” and I had to wait. I’ve heard this from lots of women—it seems that the body might need to hold onto some extra energy stores while making breastmilk.

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