I have to admit, I’m not really surprised that it’s happening. And I assure you I’m not taking it all that seriously. But it sucks all the same.
Going back to work seems to have inspired a bit of an existential crisis. Ultimately it’s pretty boring, because you know, privilege and all that, but it’s been casting a shadow on things of late, causing me to wonder if this is really what life is all about.
Of course by “this” I mean, well… every day life. The monotony of the day to day. The realization every Monday that I’m not all that thrilled to embark on the next 12 hours at all. Oh, and that most other Mondays in my life will be exactly like this one. So… yeah?
I want to assure you all that this is not generalized depression, or some late start PPD (although I did entertain the notion for a day or so). I know what depression feels like (in me) and this is not it. It’s not that I don’t want to do anything, or feel hopeless about my life, it’s just that, when faced with the reality of the day to day, I’m not all that excited about it. I just feel really… meh. And meh makes the days drag. It’s boring. It’s uninspiring. It’s a total bummer.
Okay, maybe I’m a wee bit depressed, but it’s definitely not clinical. I’m sure I’ll manage to shake it. I guess I’m just trying to figure out what the point of all this is. Which is such a shitty thing to say. I have a wonderful husband, these two amazing children, a house in the city I love, a job that allows me to pay for all of what I need and most of what I want. I have it better than the vast majority of humans on Earth and yet all I can muster is…meh? That is embarrassing. It’s a slight to all the people trudging through much tougher existences than my own.
I suppose I just have to learn how to really appreciate the little things, so that they can fill up my days (and my cup!) with small points of light, until one day I realize that every day shines.
Do you ever feel meh about life? What do you do to shake it?