And It’s Done

Thank you all for your support yesterday. And the past few weeks. And the past months. And the past years. Seriously, I feel like I can never say it enough. I don’t know what I’d do without all of you.

So the first day back has come and gone. It wasn’t so bad. It was fine, actually. I didn’t get much sleep, but I treated myself to a veinte Star.bucks Cinnamon Dolce Latte so I did alright. πŸ˜‰ I shed some big, crocodile tears in the car, but they only lasted about ten minutes and by the time I parked my eyes weren’t even red.

The kids seemed happy enough to see me and my staff was very kind. My principal came in during my last class and gave me a big bear hug. All the lessons I planned went well. The one thing I kept forgetting to do was check the time. I guess I just haven’t been on much of a schedule for the past three months.

After my last class I high-tailed it out of there so I could pick up Monito on time. I pumped in the car, on the drive up and honestly, I don’t think pumping will be much of an issue at all. If I pump when I wake up, pump on my drive home, pump before I pick up Osita and pump before bed I’ll be on almost exactly the same schedule I was before. Now I have to determine if I can handle the constant itching and burning because clearly the thrush is going no where.

Monito was in great spirits when I went to get him. It’s clear he’s being loved on constantly at my in-laws house; I have no doubt that they are providing exceptional care. We are so, so lucky that they are willing, and able, to watch our son.

I had three hours at home with Monito before I picked up Osita. It’s kind of hard to make myself lunch and eat it when baby boy is awake but I can figure that out. It was nice to spend some time alone with him before his sister joined us. Osita was actually in a pretty good mood, and Mi.Vida came home a bit earlier than usual so all in all, the day was okay.

There are still a few things I need to figure out, like what I can have on hand for breakfasts and tide-me-over-before-lunch-at-home snacks on-the-go. Most on-the-go food is NOT gluten-free so I’m not quite sure what I’ll do when I need to eat in the car. If you have any suggestions let me know. (And I know smoothies are a good option, but I’m worried the blender will wake everyone up in our small, paper-thin walled house).

There was one strange part of yesterday: the realization that I don’t want to teach anymore. And before you think that the I-want-to-still-be-on-maternity-leave part of me is talking, hear me out. It’s not that I want to be home, although I’d take three more months of maternity leave in a heartbeat. It was just that I felt absolutely no enthusiasm at work yesterday. There wasn’t one spark of interest, at all. I just didn’t care. And it felt weird. Even when I actually wanted to be home with my daughter, I was excited about some aspects of returning to work. I was happy to see my students. I was interested in what I was teaching. There was none of that yesterday. It wasn’t necessarily negative, but it wasn’t positive at all. It was just… Meh. Bleh. I just didn’t care. Not. At. All.

It doesn’t even make me sad to write that. In fact, it seems so obvious, now that I see. It’s been happening for a long time, this descent into apathy. This is my tenth year teaching and I suppose it was bound to happen. I have been wanting to move to high school but felt it didn’t make sense to do so until we know where Osita will be going to Kindergarden. So I’ve just been sitting around, kind of twiddling my thumbs, hoping that maybe a move to high school will get me interested in teaching again.

And maybe it will, but after yesterday I’m beginning to doubt that is the case. I guess we’ll see.

The thing is, at this point it doesn’t really matter if I want to be teaching or not. I mean, I HAVE to keep teaching. It will be at least five years before I’ll have the bandwidth to think about doing something else. Not that I have ANY idea what that might be. And it won’t even be that bad. It’s not like I hate it. I just don’t like it.

It makes me sad to think I probably won’t be teaching when my kids are in school. That was the whole point, the reason I became a teacher, so that I’d be around during the big vacations, like my mom was. I loved that my mom spent the summers with us. I wanted to have that with my kids. I just don’t know if I have it in me to keep teaching for 15 more years. I really don’t.

Anyway, besides the professional crisis, my first day back at work wasn’t so bad. It could have been better, but it could have been much, much worse.

Have you ever realized that you didn’t want to do your job anymore? Did you do anything about it?

7 responses

  1. I thought about you yesterday as I was going through my day, wondering how your day was going. I’m glad to hear that it wasn’t bad. That is something, indeed.

    I don’t have a lot of experience with gluten free, but I am a huge fan of plain greek yogurt mixed with nuts and dried fruit for breakfast, or a piece of fruit with a hard boiled egg. The combination of carbs + protein seem to last longer with me than anything else, and it’s easy to eat in the car – though I’m not pumping, not sure what your setup is. Also, you could make a smoothie the night before and just keep it in the fridge for the morning. Something to think about. (Breakfast is my favorite meal, can you tell? :))

    About not loving your job: yep, I’m there right now. I’ve actually spent time researching a career change. And I’m surprised to find that I’m not sure it’s worth changing careers to find “something I love” to do.

    I’m starting to wonder that the idea that we need to love – or even care about – our jobs is a myth. Like looking for your soulmate or being the Perfect Mother/Wife/Whatever. It doesn’t exist, ever.

    And so what we’re left with is figuring out if our careers are tenable – that is, contribute to the kind of life we want. For me, my work is flexible, for the most part. Like today, I’m working for 4 hours and then I have time to run and catch up on laundry and spend time with Owen. And it’s good money, and we need the money, and I, too, don’t know if I’d be able to do the SAHM gig either.

    So, really, at the end of the day, I don’t think you NEED to care about your job to do a decent job and even find enjoyment out of it. Right now your priority is your family, right? If you DID care a lot about your job, then wouldn’t it take away the energy you want to spend on them?

    That’s the way I’m looking at it right now, anyway.


    • Yes! My current job is just my job. But right now I’m not really sure what I want to do. I figure I’m not 40 yet just roll with it for now πŸ™‚ congrats on surviving x

  2. I decidedly had a moment where I realized I was in the wrong field. I was grading about the 70th English essay on a Sunday night and I realized that I hated teaching English. Not just that I was apathetic or disliked it, but I really loathed it. So I called my supervising teacher and said I would be done the next day because this just wasn’t going to work (the student teaching). From there, I spent a year discerning what on earth I did want to do with myself and wound up in pharmacy school. 8 years later I will be done! No more school! Real job! I feel like Karen, that you don’t have to love your job to be willing to do it. I think the whole “do what you love” thing is bogus and a way to convince people to work for low pay and/or long hours because they LOVE it. Great Slate piece about it that reminds me often to keep myself and my work separate because I am not my work. I get paid for working.

  3. I haven’t missed my job for one minute since I’ve been home on maternity leave this time around. That makes me REALLY worried for what I’ll be like at 8w when I have to go back. *sigh*

  4. I’m glad you had a good day. I was wondering about you yesterday. First weeks back are always tough on emotions, schedules, Parents, etc.

    I work for a great company. Great benefits. Annual raise & bonus. But, I don’t love my job. Sure, I like it…enough to come to work and get paid. But the hours? I work 12+ hours a day. Work when the kids go to bed, wake up early to log in a couple of hours, work on the weekend when it’s nap time…it’s disgusting. I’m starting to get “blurred lines” on where I begin and where work ends.

    My parents often tell me, ok ALL the time, “There is no future in any job. The future lies in the man who holds the job. ” And I don’t quite know what to do with that statement. It’s more of a, “you make it happen” mentality. So I get to wondering, am I happy just not working? am I happy working just somewhere/thing different?

    Know you’re not alone. And there are night, where I wish, I would just win the lottery. If only.

  5. so glad you survived and it wasn’t terrible, but it definitely sucks to get up and going for a job you just feel meh about. Hope that as the weeks go on you settle into a groove that’s tolerable. Spring break then summer will be here. hang in there xo

  6. YES. At 10 years as well, I worked at a level 12 group home and I absolutely loved it for a very large part of that time, and then I was just…done. I quit and have yet to figure out what is my dream job. :/ I don’t regret leaving though, I wasn’t giving those kids what they deserved anymore.

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