Comfy Jeans

Earlier this week I entered “comfy jeans” into the search tab of my browser. Let’s just say it wasn’t my proudest moment.

I go back to work on Monday. The problem is I have pretty much nothing to wear. When I returned to work last time I was six months postpartum and had been back at my pre-pregnancy weight for three months. I assumed, since I gained 15lbs less during this pregnancy–and was exclusively breastfeeding like I did with my daughter–I would find it similarly effortless to drop back to my pre-pregnancy weight before I returned to work. Last time I did nothing but nurse my baby and the pounds just melted off. This time I was not eating wheat, dairy or sugar for six weeks, while producing almost 40 ounces of milk a day, and I my weight wouldn’t budge from 160lbs, a solid 15lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight.

I have no idea what is happening this time. I don’t know why I can’t seem to lose a pound now that I’ve hit 160. I was at 160 three weeks after my son was born and I’m still 160, almost three months later. It’s really frustrating.

I’m trying not to think too much about it. I have a sordid past wrought with disordered eating and I am not willing to go back to that life. Not ever. I know that being skinny will not make me happy, in fact my thinnest years were also my most emotionally distraught. Would I appreciate being back at my comfortable, pre-pregnancy size 8? Absolutely. Right now I’m a solid size 12. It’s be biggest I’ve been (pregnancies not included) in over a decade and a half.

I’m trying to be accepting of this body, which seems to have morphed into something I don’t even recognize. My first pregnancy left me change but familiar. Inhabiting this new body is like driving a rental car that is way shittier than the car I used to own. My car has been totaled and the mechanic doesn’t know if it can be fixed. I might be driving this rental car for the rest of my life, and while it runs fine, I’ll never truly be happy with it. And I miss my old car something fierce.

My biggest problem is the lack of clothes to wear to work. For the past three months I’ve lived in yoga pants and maternity shirts. My work wardrobe doesn’t need to be fancy, but yoga pants aren’t appropriate. Usually I wear jeans or causal slacks, but even my size tens won’t button. I do have some elastic-waisted maxi skirts but not enough to get me through a month, let alone six.

So I bought a pair of “comfy jeans.” They aren’t actual “comfy jeans” (that is, evidently, a trademarked name) but they might as well be. They’re basically boot-cut leggings with a control panel and a denim wash. They are comfy and keep my stomach in check. I guess that’s really all I can ask for at this point.

I hope they will be enough. I don’t want to buy a whole new wardrobe in size 12, especially when I’m still breastfeeding. I’m hoping that once I’m back on my medications I’ll drop at least into the size 10 range, but I have a feeling I might need to get rid of a good portion of my wardrobe. I just don’t know if my size 8s will ever fit this new body. And that makes me sad.

Are you happy with your post-TTC/treatments and/or post-pregnancy body? If not, do you think you ever will be?

9 responses

  1. I am reading this post as my car idles in the parking lot of the gym. I’m almost 10 years older than you but trying to conceive, the depression, the PCOS, and just the changed lifestyle added 50 pounds to my previously fit frame. Strangely, my jeans size has changed very little I’m carrying the weight in my stomach where I never did before– and it got the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore and had to make some strict life changes. My body does not respond to gentle shifts unfortunately. I am trying to take the long view of health of course. Your body may have stalled because you had too few calories while you were continuing to breast-feed your body will hold on fiercely to the ability to produce milk and so you may not lose weight. I have been in that boat too.

    I don’t have the answers. I am currently on my own journey and it is not an easy one it’s very difficult for me emotionally. I may go back to Geneen Roth’s book women, food, and God.

    The funny part? My husband loves me no matter what. I’m fit, I can still run a 5K the same distance and time as I always have, my blood lipids and blood sugar are great. I’m just bigger.

    After working out yesterday I went into the locker room here in this affluent suburb which is not where I live by the way, and I was so proud of myself for working out and then I looked at all of these hyperfit, size 2 yoga Pilates mommies.

    It is all a matter of perspective I guess?

    I will say that I wish I had really paid more attention when I was 31 and at my fittest… Not allowing my lifestyle to change so completely because now at 41 it’s much more difficult metabolically to get back on track

    Thinking of you with this transition time,

    Pam

  2. E is almost 2 and while I still have 5 lbs to go to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight…I still want to lose more. I haven’t lost hope or sight of what I need to do, I’m just more aware that it’s going to take longer to do so.

    Do I exercise…sure when I have the time and sometimes when I have the time, I really only just want to crash on the couch and watch TV.

    I guess, I am not ready to throw in the towel and am trying to get a better body…and I do like my body now. Is it perfect? No, but I like it because I know that I’m caring for it by exercising and eating healthy foods and making better choices.

    For me, it’s not about being skinny…or hating the size 12 size that I am although now after reading your post I’m thinking a tad different…it’s about being healty, understanding it’s going to be a long process. Frustrating, heck yes.

    Hang in there. Your photos of your wedding, you are stunning. All I could think about when I saw those was, she just had a kid?

  3. I honestly only have ONE pair of jeans right now that fits. Just last week, I split the crotch of my maternity jeans that I was still wearing. Yes, I was still wearing maternity jeans at 4 months postpartum. I’m the biggest I’ve ever been not pregnant and it SUCKS. I assumed breastfeeding would just melt away the pounds this time, but I find myself constantly hungry, despite trying to eat more filling foods. I’m trying not to go out and buy anything new until I can lose some more, but I’m not sure how much longer I can hold off…one pair of jeans, and a bunch of sweatpants just isn’t cutting it anymore. I know how you feel, our bodies and weight loss can be so frustrating sometimes!

  4. I bought 2 pairs of jeans that fit at 6 months postpartum because I for the first time needed to be out in the world doing things (thank heaven for summer break). I have a hard time deciding if I’m mad about my body or mad at myself for not caring more about it. Right now my priority is being comfortable with me and getting fussed about improving me later, but just a little bit later. I’m back up to my pre-pregnancy weight (I was down 15 lbs from it at one point) so that’s irritating but life is life. Having survived to this point is important and huge for us. My plan is to really reclaim my body once I’ve hit my nursing goal of a year. If we can still nurse after that, super. If not, that’s life and everyone will manage. I really am most concerned with feeling good in my skin at whatever size it may be and that means a lot of fitness improvements for me. I have no feel for when you get your body back to normal after kid 2 because I haven’t seen normal since before that first pregnancy so it’s a mystery.

  5. Please be gentle with yourself. I thought you looked beautiful in your wedding photos too. Maybe it will take your body longer this time. I’m not loving my body right now. Nothing fits well. I don’t even have the excuse of treatments or pregnancy in the last 5 years! I think it’s age. I think it’s stress and parenting and work. Oh well.

    • I’m happy now but it took a full 9 months for it all to go. E you are too hard on you lovely self! Get a maxi skirt and revel in your glorious post pregnant body. You only just had a baby!! A super adorable one at that. If I had my way you’d have another 3 months off minimum!

  6. Losing the weight after my second baby has been really difficult. I have about 10 more pounds to lose so that I can fit comfortably in my old clothes. These last 10 pounds don’t want to budge though, in spite of cleaning up my diet and exercising pretty consistently. It takes dedication, and that’s hard to come by when you’re tired and stressed and there’s beer in the world 😉

  7. My sister had my niece 7 months after I had G and she marveled at how her weight just melted off due to breastfeeding. Meanwhile I did not lose a pound after the actual weight loss of giving birth to G. 16 months I nursed that child, starting exclusively and at the end just for nap and bedtime, 12 of those months I was dairy free. I ate less, tried to exercise, nothing like I do now, but I’d never had to do either before. Nothing. The moment I stopped nursing? THAT’S when I lost weight. Bodies are crazy. I spent that entire time wearing 2 pairs of pants because there was NO WAY I was staying at that weight so I was not wasting my money! *sigh* I wish I had been gentler with myself. I hope you aren’t too hard on yourself. It’ll come off.

  8. You are gorgeous! You deserve a few pieces that make you feel good, whatever size you are. I say treat yourself. And be gentle with yourself. You’ve got a hard transition coming up, little rewards will help.

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