Earlier this week I entered “comfy jeans” into the search tab of my browser. Let’s just say it wasn’t my proudest moment.
I go back to work on Monday. The problem is I have pretty much nothing to wear. When I returned to work last time I was six months postpartum and had been back at my pre-pregnancy weight for three months. I assumed, since I gained 15lbs less during this pregnancy–and was exclusively breastfeeding like I did with my daughter–I would find it similarly effortless to drop back to my pre-pregnancy weight before I returned to work. Last time I did nothing but nurse my baby and the pounds just melted off. This time I was not eating wheat, dairy or sugar for six weeks, while producing almost 40 ounces of milk a day, and I my weight wouldn’t budge from 160lbs, a solid 15lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight.
I have no idea what is happening this time. I don’t know why I can’t seem to lose a pound now that I’ve hit 160. I was at 160 three weeks after my son was born and I’m still 160, almost three months later. It’s really frustrating.
I’m trying not to think too much about it. I have a sordid past wrought with disordered eating and I am not willing to go back to that life. Not ever. I know that being skinny will not make me happy, in fact my thinnest years were also my most emotionally distraught. Would I appreciate being back at my comfortable, pre-pregnancy size 8? Absolutely. Right now I’m a solid size 12. It’s be biggest I’ve been (pregnancies not included) in over a decade and a half.
I’m trying to be accepting of this body, which seems to have morphed into something I don’t even recognize. My first pregnancy left me change but familiar. Inhabiting this new body is like driving a rental car that is way shittier than the car I used to own. My car has been totaled and the mechanic doesn’t know if it can be fixed. I might be driving this rental car for the rest of my life, and while it runs fine, I’ll never truly be happy with it. And I miss my old car something fierce.
My biggest problem is the lack of clothes to wear to work. For the past three months I’ve lived in yoga pants and maternity shirts. My work wardrobe doesn’t need to be fancy, but yoga pants aren’t appropriate. Usually I wear jeans or causal slacks, but even my size tens won’t button. I do have some elastic-waisted maxi skirts but not enough to get me through a month, let alone six.
So I bought a pair of “comfy jeans.” They aren’t actual “comfy jeans” (that is, evidently, a trademarked name) but they might as well be. They’re basically boot-cut leggings with a control panel and a denim wash. They are comfy and keep my stomach in check. I guess that’s really all I can ask for at this point.
I hope they will be enough. I don’t want to buy a whole new wardrobe in size 12, especially when I’m still breastfeeding. I’m hoping that once I’m back on my medications I’ll drop at least into the size 10 range, but I have a feeling I might need to get rid of a good portion of my wardrobe. I just don’t know if my size 8s will ever fit this new body. And that makes me sad.
Are you happy with your post-TTC/treatments and/or post-pregnancy body? If not, do you think you ever will be?