Sometimes, I hate being me

I just wrote a whole post, and published it, and now it’s no where to be found. Weird, and super annoying. I don’t even know if I want to write it again.

Blerg.

Last week I lost my sunglasses. They were prescriptions and cost a lot of money. I just got them a couple of months ago and I’m so bummed out they are already gone. I wore them last Wednesday morning to take Osita to school. Then I went to Aaron Brothers on the way home. By that afternoon, they were no where to be found. I kept thinking they’d show up, I was sure they were around somewhere. Now it’s been over a week and I’ve given up hope, especially after I cleaned up the house.

I’m really bummed that I lost them. Really, really bummed. And angry. And frustrated. And ashamed. I feel like shit on a shoe about it. We didn’t really have the money for me to buy them in the first place, but I did, and now I’ve lost them. It’s like I threw $300 away.

This coming Monday–my first back at work–I have to turn in my Letter of Intent, which tells my school district if I want to return next year year at 80% (like I am now) or full time. I’ve had the paper laying around for weeks and now that I need to turn it in I can’t find it. After scouring my house for an hour I finally gave up and emailed the HR woman, requesting another one. I was so embarrassed that I had to ask for a second copy. I mean, I’m 33 for fuck’s sake!!! When am I going to stop doing this shit?

I also lost my fit bit. I actually lost it months ago, and then found it in the cushions of my parents’ couch. Then I brought it home and promptly misplaced it again. It must be somewhere around my house, unless it got thrown away. That is always my fear, that stuff got thrown away (I’m sure that is what happened to that stupid Letter of Intent).

I’m just so sick of losing shit. I’ve been doing it my whole life. I’ve lost so many important things: so many pairs of expensive sunglasses, pieces of jewelry, wallets, keys, personal electronics. I spend my life in a state of low-grade anxiety, wondering when I’m going to realize that I’ve lost something important. Losing shit makes me feel awful about myself. It’s a huge detractor to my self-esteem. It’s all wrapped up my in my issues with clutter and ADD. It devours massive amounts of time. It has even ruined vacations. It just sucks. Period. The end.

Seriously, sometimes it really sucks being me, an adult who can’t keep track of even her most important possessions. I just really wish I could stop doing this. It detracts from the quality of my life and makes me miserable. It. Just. Sucks.

Do you lose things? How does it make you feel when you do?

11 responses

  1. I lose almost nothing, so when i do actually lose something (even insignificant things), I get super pissed! I may lose something temporarily, but always know it’s not really gone – so if it’s really gone for some reason, I go into complete self-hate mode until I’m over it.

    B loses shit all the time. I think it’s normal. I don’t lose stuff because I gave an abnormally good memory, which can be a curse (just ask my parents who wish I could forget much of my childhood!).

    Don’t be too hard on yourself. I think it’s normal, especially HR forms and the such.

  2. I am always losing things that I put in perfectly good hiding places. Currently we are trying to find $50 gift certificate which for two months was in the same spot and then when I need it? No fucking idea where it has gone.

  3. I lose things too and it makes me feel exactly the same . Two examples – I bought Owen some sunglasses (your story reminded me). I really liked them because he kept them on, they we’re cute, and they worked. Then I lost them. So I bought another pair from the boutique (only $8). Now I’ve lost them again and I’m too embarrassed to go but another pair! Also, I ordered an expensive new memory card for my camera ($60) and somehow I lost it without ever seeing it. As in I threw it away with junk mail or something?? These things make me so mad at myself. I totally get it.

  4. I have a decorative box for papers/receipts right by the door. Directly next to that is the one for sunglasses and Chapstick, on the end table here’s a dish for the remotes.

    I am a reformed slob. It takes work every day. I still leave all the cupboards open, as well as the microwave door, and I lose my watch more times than I can count in a day. I take it off to write on the computer, do dishes, put G to bed, exercise, all of which take place in different rooms, none of which contain a ‘home’ for it. This is something I need to work on. However the rest of my house is clean, it has to be or my anxiety increases too much. EVERYTHING has a place, and it’s put there before I go to bed. Dishes are done, movies, books and toys are put away, clothes are in their hampers and towels are on their racks. Bathroom counter is wiped down and free of clutter as G is using the bathroom directly after she finishes brushing her teeth. They’re cleaned more thoroughly Monday and Thursday, the same day the house is vacuumed.

    It takes work, it gets annoying, people make fun of me for my anal ways. But I’ve been on the other side, I know what it’s like to have every single dish you own dirty on your counter, piles of clothes everywhere, keys in an unknown location. I pick being clean.

  5. My hubby loses EVERYTHING all the time. When I lose something, it’s a huge deal. I get so upset, because I am usually so organized. I remember when I lost a gift card, and the title to my car. It pissed me off beyond words and took me so long to get over! I sure hope you find your sunglasses, any chance you left them in a store and can call and see if anyone turned them in?

    • I mentioned in the first post I wrote (the one that got lost–haha!), but forgot to mention when I rewrote it, that I checked with Osita’s school and called Aaron Brothers (TWICE!) to see if they were at either place but alas, they were not. LeSigh.

  6. I lose everything. I could have written this post, minus the ADD part. I hate myself for it but it has been part of who I am since I can remember. I remember losing library books in elementary school. Now I lose glasses all the time. And keys. It drives my husband crazy. When I was litigating I lost an important affidavit signed by my client and at 9 pm I had to drive to his house to get his signature. He was a legal aid client and fairly low functioning himself, but it was still embarrassing.

  7. I just wrote my second clutter post and talked about this very thing- losing things- aaa! I lose my keys at least twice a day, and I don’t dare put anything in my purse that I ever hope to see again. It’s ridiculous and makes me so angry. The latest thing I’ve lost that pisses me off is that stupid Sophie the Giraffe toy. And Charlotte had really lost interest in it, but the fact that I paid way too much money for it back 9 months ago, and then it got dropped and left in a store, ugh. Makes me crazy. So just know you are in good company!

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