Negative Nellie

I’m in a really negative place right now. I know it’s because I’m going back to work in a week. I know it’s because I really don’t want to leave my son (who is frequently the only person I want to be around) and I really don’t want to start living the harried life of a mother working 80% of her class load in 60% of the time.

I’m just in a really bad head space, and I’m taking it out on the people around me, especially my poor husband. He’s being really nice about it, but I also feel like he’s unwilling to talk about some shit I really need to talk about. Of course he’s probably unwilling to talk about stuff because I’m being totally irrational and obnoxious. Basically I’m making it impossible to talk about anything.

Today we stayed home because Osita is sick with a cold. She came home from school yesterday with a fever and while her temperature was normal today, her cough sounded awful. By 2pm she was bouncing off the walls, so I took her with me to run some errands. By the time we were ready for bed I could hardly be around her. She is just so needy right now. Her cup needs CONSTANT filling. And the problem is my cup is totally empty. How am I supposed to fill up her cup when I have nothing left in mine?! I’m still only about a third of the way through the Playful Parenting book but I don’t have high hopes that they will have any advice for how to keep giving to our children when we don’t feel we have anything more to give.

I’m worried this is how I’m going to feel every day, once I’m back at work. At the end of an eight hour “school” day my daughter’s needs are very high. When I’m back at work I’ll not only have her brother to contend with in the evenings but I’ll be completely frayed from my day at work. I just don’t know how I’m going to make it to bedtime. And after bedtime I’ll only have a couple hours before I have to go to bed myself. Then it will be wash, rinse, repeat.

It’s just going to suck. A lot.

There are other things that are bothering me. The no-wheat diet sucks. I hate it. I feel like I can eat about five things that we always have around the house (and that I can make quickly and easily) and none of them excite me anymore. I’m sure I could find all sorts of good stuff to eat (I know I can, I ate with way more restrictions than this for months and I found tons of recipes I enjoyed) but I just don’t have the time or energy after both kids are asleep (which generally isn’t until after 9pm these days–it takes Osita for fucking ever to fall asleep) to cook, and if I did I’d end up having dinner after 10pm, which gives me heartburn. All that to say I’m feeling extremely chaffed by this dietary restriction and I’m pretty much over it.

The other thing I’m over?! THRUSH. I still have fucking thrush, 13 weeks later, I STILL have fucking thrush. It’s not so bad anymore. It hasn’t been in a month or so, but it’s still there, the constant low-grade burning and itching. Some days it really bothers me. Some days I hardly notice it, but every day it kills me a little inside. I’m just SO DONE with the fucking thrush. I just don’t want to be aware of my breasts all the damn time. I just want it to go away already.

Between the thrush and the gluten restriction I’m having a hard time feeling enthusiastic about attempting to pump once I go back to work. I so want to give my son breast milk for three more months but I just don’t know if I have it in me. Now that I’m considering an end date to my exclusive pumping, I’m being forced to face all the disappointment of our failed breastfeeding relationship yet again. It sucks.

{I’ve actually noticed something kind of interesting about this. I’ve noticed that I’m feeling a lot of jealousy toward women I follow who are enjoying really positive, successful breastfeeding experiences. I wasn’t feeling jealousy before, but now that I’m stretched to my emotional limit, I’m feeling a lot of jealousy. I’ve noticed it elsewhere to, about other things. I’m feeling jealously toward SAHMs, toward women who I feel have choices and opportunities I don’t have. I guess what I’m seeing is that when I’m in a negative space about other things, and when I just don’t have the emotional energy to keep my shit together, I feel more jealousy than I would otherwise. It seems obvious when I write it out like that, but I don’t think I knew that about myself before. It’s a valuable tidbit to be sure.}

Anyway, I’m know this is just an obnoxious, ranty post. I know I need to suck it up and get over myself. I know we are so lucky in so many ways. I’m just having a hard time right now and I don’t quite know how to shake this general feeling of malaise. I suppose I’ll feel better once work starts and I have an idea of what it will be like. Hopefully the anticipation is worse than the real thing. We shall see.

3 responses

  1. You have a lot going on, and going back to work is soooo emotional. The two weeks before I went back were brutal… Lots of tears. I remember feeling the same way, down about EVERYTHING. I want to say it gets better… But it’s different for everyone.

    Hang in there. I’m sending you hugs. This is hard shit. And eff the thrush. Ugh.

  2. This is so hard. So much is expected of you. Screw American 3 month mat leaves! I think you’re right that dreading it will be worse than the real thing. Allow yourself to be negative – it’s ok. Think about what you can take off your plate to make it lighter.

  3. So difficult. I can’t imagine the transition from being home to going back to work will be easy, but I know you can handle it. You are strong, and somehow, someway you will fall into a routine. You will still be able to be a great mom, wife, and teacher. Just be patient with yourself while you readjust to working life again! It’s going to be ok, you are going to do great!

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