Today my parents came over to help us move our elliptical trainer a few feet from one wall to another. Tomorrow I’m building Monito’s crib. In three days my son will be three months old. In two weeks I’m going back to work.
It’s all happening so fast. Way too fast.
I’m not ready.
I’m not ready to leave him every day. I’m not ready to negotiate the very early mornings and all I have to do and all the ways both my children need me. I’m not ready to have to think about what I’m going to teach every day. I’m not ready to be prepared–mentally, physically and emotionally–to stand in front of middle schoolers and keep them engaged. I’m not ready to wear so many hats over the course of the day. I’m not ready to keep all those different balls in the air.
I’m just not ready.
This maternity leave has been so nice. It got off to a rocky start and the transition with Osita has been challenging, but the six hours I have with my son each day have been amazing. I so enjoy just staring into his eyes. He smiles all the time now, and laughs. He grabs at things. He is so happy, almost all of the time. He sleeps like a champ, day and night. I am so incredibly grateful for my son. I’m so incredibly thankful for this time. I’m not ready for it to end.
We’re so lucky that my in-laws will be watching Monito while I’m at work. I’m so lucky to be part-time so I can still see him for the better part of each day. I was so fortunate to have over three months at home with him in the first place. I don’t feel like I have any right to complain about how hard it will be to go back. We really have the ideal situation.
And yet here I am, writing this post.
Because honestly?! I DO NOT FEEL READY.
And I suppose I never will. My sweet baby boy is already sleeping though the night–10pm to 7am–every night. I can get plenty of sleep. I should be able to manage going back to work. And yet… the idea of it fills me with fear.
I really like being home. I really like having some time to work on small projects, to get the laundry done, to empty the dishwasher while I listen to a book on tape.
I really enjoy giving back to people. I feel like, since having my son, a part of myself that wants to give back as been reborn. That giving part of myself was such a huge piece of who I was before I started TTC. I didn’t realize at the time, but I totally shut that part down when we were trying to get pregnant, then dealing with our ectopic loss, then trying to get pregnant again, then having our first baby, then dealing with secondary infertility. And now that our family building journey is behind us, that part of myself has reawakened. Suddenly I am compelled to do things for others. I am clearly aware of how I would want to be treated and I am trying my darndest to treat people accordingly. Even here, I’m trying so hard to be a better commenter. I’m trying to link to at least one post on Mel’s Round Up every week. I’m trying to give back to this community, because for so long, this community has given so much to me.
I’m trying to give back to my family and my friends, who have been so, so good to me.
And the only reason I have the time or energy for all that is because I am not at work. As soon as I go back, I’ll be thrown into survival mode, and all these things I’m doing that make me feel good are going to be pushed to the back burner.
The next 4.5 months are going to be totally crazy. It’s going to be a challenge just to keep my head above water. I have no desire to be at school, which is going to make my time there even harder. I want to do more than the bare minimum to get by. I want to write posts and comment on them. I want to make things for my friends and family and gift those things, just because. I want to have the time to appreciate what I have in life, and let people see that appreciation.
Blerg. I’ll quit complaining. Like I said, I have no reason to. We are so, so lucky. We have the ideal care situation. I need to suck it up and face the music.
But it’s going to be hard. So, so, so, SO hard.