Not sure what to think

Such a coincidence that I put up that post yesterday morning… And then this happened.

I had a normal day. I felt fine. I turned in our marriage license, got our marriage certificate and bought extra copies of our children’s birth certificates. I ate at my favorite taco place. I visited my colleagues during their lunch hour at school. I bought some of the big 8oz Medela bottles so that I don’t have to stop and empty them half way through my morning pumping session. I took Monito to the chiropractor again.

Then, on the way back to the car I started to feel sick and light headed. I realized I hadn’t eaten in six hours and my mouth was dry as a desert. After I got Monito into the car I felt a wave of nausea and started dry heaving behind the wheel.

I couldn’t quite figure out what I was feeling, but the closest approximation was morning sickness.

“Holy shit!” I thought. “I couldn’t be pregnant, could I?” I started to panic.

We’d certainly had enough sex, but we’d been really careful. I hadn’t had a postpartum period yet but there had been some noticeable CM a few times. I wasn’t nursing but I was pumping 35-40 oz a day. Of course people got pregnant when they were breast feeding.

I didn’t know what to think.

I rushed home, where my mom had Osita. I told her I wasn’t feeling well, and immediately ran into the bathroom where I thanked god that I still had some FRERs.

Then I peed on one. And I waited.

And for the first time in my life, I prayed that it was negative.

All I could think was how upset Mi.Vida would be, how we’d get in a huge fight over what to do, how we’d be totally fucked financially, how I would have a 4.5 year old and a one year old and newborn. How I didn’t think I could do it. How I didn’t want to be the infertile asshat who got pregnancy spontaneously not once after her diagnosis, but twice!

And yet there was this tiny part of me that thought, how wonderful it would be, the anticipation of adding to our family. The miracle of another life.

Three minutes later the test was clearly negative and I breathed an audible sigh of relief. And then I felt like I didn’t even recognize myself. Who was this woman who didn’t want to be pregnant? Where had the woman I was for five years gone?

I ended up vomiting. It was epic. And then I got the shivers and had a bit of a fever. And then I started feeling somewhat better. I are some rice and went to bed.

This morning I have a ragging headache and still feel kind of nauseous but I’m better. I suppose it was me favorite taco place that did it. I’m thankful it’s not the flu.

I’m thankful I’m not pregnant.

And I don’t really know how I feel about it, at all.

6 responses

  1. Oh E I have so totally been there… so exhausted by #2, so completely sure I’m done, then a late period and not knowing at all how I felt about it… it feels a bit crazy-making to go from desperately wanting to see 2 lines to feeling so many different and contradictory things at once… and of course your body being in such a “flux” state right now affects your emotional state as well… big hugs.

  2. It is perfectly okay to not want to be pregnant. A few years after ending my ttc efforts, I was late and thought I might have been pregnant. And I realised I didn’t want to be. And that was quite confusing for me too. And that’s okay. But I guess, timing is everything.

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