Well I *AM* quitting on the worst day

I never imagine when I published that last post that I’d be writing the next one from a hospital room. But that is exactly what is happening.

I woke up this morning feeling fine, though my left breast was in a lot of pain. I had initially thought I was about 75% ready to walk away from breastfeeding. I was no logger sobbing uncontrollably every time I thought or talked about it. Now I was able to brooch the subject with just some tears behind the eyes.

When I woke up to another very sore breast that 75% became 90%. How was I supposed to not quit on the worst day when they never got better?!

So I brought Isa to school, trying to decide what I would say to my OB at my 6 week post partum appointment and then to the LC at the lactation center group consult class. Turns out I never had a chance to talk to either. At some point during the drive over, I started getting a bad headache. Then my feet and hands got cold and went numb. I started breathing rapidly and my body was shaking and my teeth were chattering uncontrollably. By the time I parked by the Dr.’s office I could barely walk. But I managed to drag my ass, and Teo in his stroller, to the clinic where I was immediately admitted.

Turns out I had a 103.7 fever. I was sent to the ED (the logistics of which were difficult to work out since I had the baby and MV didn’t have the car). It was determined that I had such a bad infection that I was in sepsis. I was put on two high powered IV antibiotics, morphine, Atavan and some Tylenol to bring down the fever. Later I needed a catheter to pee which was traumatizing for me.

It’s still unclear just where the infection originated as there was no abscess in either breast. I’m being diagnosed as having mastitis. The best part is that after these crazy antibiotics the thrush is sure to come back with a raging ferocity. But I suppose that doesn’t matter because now, after all this, I’m ready to quit.

It stills pains me to say it and there will be some mourning to be sure. But I’m hoping that those who’ve made this difficult decision before me are right, that it will eventually feel like a huge weight is being lifted from my shoulders.

I don’t know why this choice is so hard for me to make, especially after this health fiasco of epic proportions being directly related to breastfeeding. I mean, breastfeeding is currently keeping me away from my children for over 36 hours. That is not okay. And honestly I don’t even like it that much. I don’t really enjoy it on a day to day level. So why is it so hard to walk away?

I so wanted this to be different and better than it was with Isa. I’m so very disappointed that it’s not. I just assumed I’d keep breastfeeding, even if it sucked. It’s hard to admit that I can’t do this. That I’m not strong enough, mentally, emotionally and now physically. I know I tried hard and did my best. And I know that now I have to walk away. I’m not sure how we’ll absorb the cost of formula but I’d already spent a good $300 on battling thrush and now I’ll have another $300 in medical bills to contend with. I suppose some canisters of formula are nothing compared to all that.

So here it is. I finally made the choice. It doesn’t feel great but it feels necessary and I suppose that is where I needed to be. Thank you all for your support. I really appreciate.

And now I have to sleep by myself in a weird hospital room. I’ll miss my baby terribly tonight (and my toddler too), but maybe I’ll just get a bunch of uninterrupted sleep. And that is probably just what the doctor ordered.