I had a pretty upsetting realization today: if I it weren’t for thrush/breastfeeding, the past six weeks with my baby boy would have been an incredibly positive time. But because of thrush and the constant pain and discomfort, it has been a nightmare. I keep trying to combat it because I think it might get better but there is every reason to believe that won’t ever happen. I might get to the end of my maternity leave and realize that if it weren’t for breastfeeding, I would have enjoyed a blissful three months with my baby, but instead I spent all those weeks frustrated and in agony.
I really think it’s time to quit. I promised myself I’d finish up my 4 weeks of Diflucan before I threw in the towel. That gives me ten days. If it’s not gone by then (and there is no reason to think it will be, my symptoms seem to be getting worse again, as I’m not restricting sugar and dairy as much anymore) I’m going to stop breastfeeding. Just writing that makes me cry, but the idea of losing the battle against thrush makes me cry too. There is no positive decision to be made here and I’m really angry about it. I don’t understand why I have to deal with this horrible affliction. Why is this such an impossible thing for me to fix? Why is it ruining something that is so important to me, that is so important to my son? I’m just so demoralized by the whole thing. And I just can’t do this anymore. Of course I don’t think I can quit either, but I’m going to have to have to do one or the other.
No matter what I do, I lose.
It’s clear a lot more tears will be shed. There is no right answer. There is no easy answer. There is no answer that feels acceptable to me. But I have to make a choice. And I suppose I have to make it in ten days.
Fuck this. Fuck thrush. Fuck all of it.