Fighting the Fear

I have been wanting to write lately but my brain isn’t really working. I don’t seem to have anything to say. So I just keep putting up pictures. Good thing my kids are kinda cute. 😉

Right now I’m spending a lot of time in my own head, fighting the fear. I’m a week into my Diflucan prescription and my symptoms don’t seem to be abating, at all. I’m pretty sure they are supposed to be gone by now and the second week is just to make sure it doesn’t come back, and yet my yeast is seemingly untouched. I’m freaking out because this is the last light of offense. If this doesn’t work I’m not sure what the next steps will be.

So I googled “Diflucan didn’t work what’s next” (actually I started writing “Diflucan didn’t work” and the “what’s next” autofilled in the search bar) and started reading horror story after horror story of people who couldn’t get rid of their thrush no matter what they did. I could feel the panic rising as I read each person’s horrific story, but I just couldn’t look away. Finally my stop came and I had to get off the train, otherwise I might have read those awful stories all day.

So now I’m freaking out that the Diflucan isn’t going to work, that my particular strain is resistant and I’m going to be left with no other recourse. I’ve been dealing with this awful stuff for three weeks. That is three weeks since I ate anything sweet. Three weeks that I’ve been severely limiting dairy and restricting wheat. I’m missing out on all my favorite foods of the season, all the wonderful pumpkin-flavored things that I wait all year for. We’ve had this amazing pumpkin ice cream sitting in the freezer the whole time, taunting me every time I open the door. Every night I think how I’d give anything to eat that ice cream, well anything but make my thrush worse. I just want to be done with all of this and I may not be able to make that happen.

I know I have six more days of Diflucan left and that maybe it will work in that time. I know that I don’t know what is going to happen and there is no point in projecting into the future when I have no idea what it will hold. Except I don’t have no idea. I have some idea, and evidently there is a very good chance the Diflucan won’t work.

I’m trying to figure out what my next steps will be. I’ve been researching IBCLC’s in the area but I’m pretty sure I can’t afford one. It’s frustrating to have to spend money on something that is available to me through my insurance provider. Of course I’ve taken advantage of the lactation center at Kaiser; I’ve been there more times than I can count in the past month. And while everyone has been kind and empathetic, they’ve all given me different information and advice. Some have been totally unhelpful, telling me only that which I already know. Even the one I like the best isn’t able to tell me much. It’s hard to consider paying someone a significant sum when there is every possibility she will tell me to do all the things I’m already doing–that she will not have any new advice to give me.

Yeast is some really awful shit. It’s just so fucking hard to kill. I’m surprised it’s been so hard to eradicate this time; my oversupply is so much better and my breasts aren’t wet most of the time. I’ve been so careful to wash my hands constantly, sanitize my towels and bras after each use, restrict my diet, take incredible amounts of yeast-controlling probiotics, washed my nipples with a vinegar or tea tree rinse and put on APNO after each session. There is literally NOTHING else that I know of that I can do. If the Diflucan doesn’t work, I’m up shit creek without a paddle.

So that is where I am right now, fighting the fear, hoping that this medicine does what it’s supposed to do, because if it doesn’t, I might have to just throw in the towel and quit breastfeeding altogether.

6 responses

  1. I had chronic yeast infections in the year leading up to getting pregnant with my daughter. They were hormonal and ever time after I ovulated I would get one. Since having her though they’ve cleared up. My hormones reset themselves and everything balances out. Maybe once your hormones level out hinges will get better? I researched the proper diet and sadly it’s quite restricting. I tried but couldn’t stick with it. I understand what you’re going through! It’s incredibly frustrating. Have you considered a naturopath? That’s what my doctor suggested after diflucan didn’t work for me.

  2. I’ll be the horrible person to say that if you want to quit, then quit. A happy mama makes a happy baby. Breastfeeding is great, but it has to work for BOTH of you! You’re trying so hard, and that’s terrific, but don’t feel bad if you decide it’s the end of the road.

    Hugs!

  3. Are you both taking something prescription for the thrush, not just you? And try to take it at a different time from any other medications or supplements/vitamins to make sure you get the full effect of it. There are a couple of other meds you can try that are oral or some topical stuff too so you aren’t totally out of options. I felt better after about 8 days of diflucan so you may yet feel better. As Courtney says, if you want, then be done and get rid of the thrush. Loving babies who are fed are the key, not how the feeding happens.

  4. I have zero knowledge here so please forgive me if this is a totally dumb uninformed suggestion! Have you tried using miconizole cream that they sell for vaginal yeast infections? My PCOS gives me tons of external yeast when my body attempts to ovulate and I use the internal cream externally and it helps.

  5. This sounds miserable! I suppose the next thing you can try is a full blown yeast free diet, but that is really restrictive. Hope it just turns around. Can you take threelac while breast feeding ? That helped me when I was having yeast problems. It’s like the super duper probiotic

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