Mental Meanderings

The following should probably be bullet-pointed but I hate the way WordPress does bullet points so I’m just going to leave it as a bunch of unconnected paragraphs, even though the copyeditor in me cringes at the thought of it (and the myriad typos I’m sure are hidden in plain sight).

I should be taking a nap, but sometimes that is hard. Sometimes I can’t turn off my brain, or my growling stomach is too distracting. (I spend all day feeding others and there is never time for me to eat!) It’s also hard when I think Monito is going to wake up any minute and I get all stressed out about falling asleep fast enough, and then he doesn’t wake up but I also don’t fall asleep and I lose the opportunity to catch up on my zzzz’s, because lord knows I need to.

This sleep deprivation thing is making me a cranky bitch and I’m struck by how fucked up it is that being sleep deprived makes me incredibly impatient and yet my struggling preschooler needs all the patience she can get. I feel like I fail her infinitely every day.

I even get frustrated with my poor baby boy when we struggle with breastfeeding, even though I KNOW it’s not his fault. We’re trying all sorts of new stuff (football hold once my breast is emptied, tilting his head back more before latching, actively pulling him off during letdown, re-establishing a better latch every time he pulls away) and maintaing some strategies we were already using (nursing lying down until my breast isn’t so full, burping frequently, taking breaks) and I think things are getting better, but it’s hard when I’m exhausted and I just want him to eat so we can go back to sleep. I find myself talking brusquely to him and then I feel like the most awful mom. It’s hard and I’m not always managing well.

It’s been amazing to have my parents here and I’m not looking forward to them returning home tomorrow. They have been helping with the kids, making meals, CONSTANTLY cleaning up the house. When I think about doing it all on my own again I feel panicky. But I know I’ll be okay. The house won’t look as nice and my kids won’t be as well cared for, but we’ll get through the days. I just keep telling myself that.

The loneliness remains. It’s hard to take steps to make new friends when I know all the effort will probably not end in any kind of worthwhile relationship. But I did put up a “want to hang out?” post on the forum of the giant local mother’s group I’m a part of and I’m looking into a postnatal baby-and-mom yoga class that isn’t too far away so maybe I’ll meet some women there. Heck, I even gave my name and number (scribbled on a slip of paper, no less) to a mom I met in line at the Kaiser pharmacy last week, so no one can say I’m not putting myself out there. I’m also trying to reach out to the few friends I do have, but they are all working and really busy so I haven’t been able to see any of them. At least I’m trying though, so that is something. In the meantime I’ll probably write a bunch of posts because “talking” here is my only outlet.

I’m starting to really look at where my body is at after this second pregnancy. Because of the shape of my bump this time I got a whole new set of stretch marks, which feels incredibly unfair since I gained 15lbs LESS than I did the last time. Luckily my stomach area has always been my absolute worst feature so it doesn’t bother me that it looks even more ravaged. I would like to lose quite a few inches around that area eventually but I know it will take a while. I wouldn’t even be considering what I look like yet except I need to start shopping for a wedding dress. Not a real wedding dress, mind you, but something to wear at my wedding, which is in less than two months! Fuck, how am I ever going to find something that looks decent in this postpartum body?! Blerg. I guess this is why we decided to have something very small–just immediate family, in fact–so I don’t have to worry about what I look like. I also have no idea where to shop for a dress so if you have any ideas, please send them my way. I’m 5’8″ and about 160lbs at the moment, with slimmer hips and a huge amount of flab around my midsection. We’re talking muffin tops, plural. Also my chest right now is, shall we use the word “ample”? So if you know of a designer or store that might have something that would look good on that kind of body, PLEASE let me know.

Monito is one month old this week. The time is really flying–I feel my three months of maternity leave slipping through my fingers. I’m starting to think about pumping one boob, once a day to start stockpiling breast milk. I might even by a small 5sq ft freezer to store it in. The only problem is that we had a lipase issue last time that made my milk taste soapy. Luckily Osita accepted it most of the time, but I don’t know if it makes sense to store a bunch of frozen milk before we know if Monito will also stomach the stuff. I want to wait a few more weeks to make sure we’re entirely rid of thrush before I start freezing anything anyway, so I guess I have some time to research. Also, WHY IS NOTHING EVER EASY WITH BREASTFEEDING?!?!?!?

Oh, and I can’t believe I almost forgot to tell you all. We went to Cirque du Soleil last Friday and it was AMAZING. Mi.Vida had front row seats (he did not realize this until we were being seated), like we were right in front of the stage and had to keep our feet in close because the acrobats and clowns would jump down and walk right in front of us. At first I thought it would be too overwhelming and hard to see being that up close but it was awesome. It was this incredible feeling of being completely immersed in the show. It was absolutely one of the most amazing experiences and I’m SO GLAD we went. Of course my parents were great and the kids were fine. I just wanted to thank the people who urged me to reconsider going, I don’t know if I would have brought it up again if you hadn’t suggested we do it. It really was an indescribably cool event and I’m so thankful we went.

I guess that is enough for now. I have more to say, and would like to write more about all of the topics above but I hear Monito stirring so I should sign off. I hope you’re all having a great week.

5 responses

  1. I’m glad that you were able to go to Cirque- their shows are always so much fun and I’m sure it was great for your sanity to get out for a few hours.

    I don’t have any advice since I am still a week and a few days before birthing a child, but try to not be so hard on yourself. I hope you are able to find a few new moms to hang out with!

  2. I saw your comment about finding a dress, and I can relate (sort of). I am plus-sized (and the ladies are naturally large) and it can be a challenge to find something that works. So, the first place I’d look is Igigi, it’s a designer out of San Fran that has mostly plus-sized stuff (starting at a size 12), but it is very high quality and can be modified. They mostly sell dresses. After that, try Kiyonna. They cater to a more casual crowd. I have some of their dresses and tops and LOVE them. Kiyonna’s customer service is seriously amazing. They are based in Southern Cali, so shipping is always very fast.

    I have a few other ideas, so let me know if you’re interested!

    Good luck, and I’m sending lots of love your way!!

  3. I don’t know if you want a white-wedding-dress-thing but if you’re going for nice dress, you might look at eshakti – they will customize it to your measurements for a very reasonable fee, and they have a lot of fit-and-flare type stuff that would probably be flattering to everyone!

  4. I second eshakti…the dresses are so cute (but not the flowing, white wedding-y type, though there are some brides-maids-y types.
    YAY! for going to Cirque de Soleil. I so wanted that to happen for you, you deserve it.
    And sleep deprivation is a cruel cruel bitch that has been messing with me for far too long (L woke up at 1:30 am last night and just BOTHERED me in the bed for 5 hours until I decided to get up. can i just remind you that he turned TWO YEARS OLD last month? the fuck.)

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