Not Quite

Sorry to bombard you with posts yesterday. That second one was supposed to go up this morning but I pressed “Publish” instead of “Schedule” because my brain is not firing on all cylinders these days.

It’s 5:34 and I’m rocking Monito to sleep. We just had one of those really frustrating breastfeeding sessions where I’m almost positive that he just gave up before he was sated because he was sick of gagging on my poorly inserted nipple. I hate breastfeeding sessions like that. They are so demoralizing and make me want to just give up the whole endeavor altogether. I’d make yet another appointment with an LC but honestly, I doubt it would help. I don’t know how we’re going to make it better. Maybe we won’t and we’ll just struggle like this throughout our breastfeeding relationship.

I’m so tired right now. And sick. And bummed out. It was decided last night that Cirque is not happening. At least not for us. Monito has started getting quite fussy at night–the witching hour and all–and the only thing that soothes him is cluster feeding for a good 4-5 hours (this makes bedtime with Big Sister quite challenging). It’s just too much to ask my parents to take on, and I doubt I’d be able to provide the milk they’d need anyway. My supply is actually coming down rather drastically and I’m not pumping at all because of the thrush (you need to boil pump parts for 20 minute after each use and you can’t freeze thrush-tainted milk), so there isn’t a time I can pump enough between now and then without risk not having enough for my growing boy later.

I had a good cry about it and I’m still fairly disappointed but I know this is the right thing to do. I’m just so lonely and tired of being at home. I just so wanted to get out and Cirque is one of my favorite things. But it isn’t meant to be. And writing about it is making my eyes get all pin prickly so I need to stop and move the fuck on. It’s not a tragedy; it’s just some dumb show I shouldn’t have been able to afford anyway.

Sorry for the saddish, woe-is-me post. I just need to purge some of this negativity so I can get up in an hour and be the best me I can be.

I hope you’re all doing well. Happy Thursday.

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