To Clarify (for myself and others)

I wanted to clarify a little bit what I meant during my post lack week when I said that I wanted to write something of substance in these days and weeks after having my son. I think I didn’t express myself very well and I worry that I hurt people’s feelings. First of all, I think anyone should write whatever they want on their own blogs. If breastfeeding or sleep schedules are what you want to write about, you absolutely should. And you absolutely should not apologize about it.

I KNOW I will be writing about these things. I have a post brewing in my head about breastfeeding as I write this, but I’m waiting to see how things go this weekend before I bang it out. I think writing about these topics can be very, very valuable and interesting. And I know that I’m thankful that I wrote a lot about sleep training when Osita was young because I’ve been able to direct others to the more informative posts and I look forward to revisiting them myself when I need a refresher on what worked and what didn’t the last time. I’ve also revisited my (many, MANY) thrush posts to see what I did last time, what seemed to work and what obviously didn’t. I wouldn’t remember that stuff clearly without those records and I’m glad I have them, even if they are a bit boring (for me) to review.

I guess what I meant was that I wanted to make my posts meaningful in some way FOR ME. And I want them to be meaningful to the me that is writing them now and the me that will be reading them in the future. And hopefully, they will be meaningful to other people as well, but honestly the person I’m writing for is me, past, present and future. And the truth is, I don’t want to write about some of this stuff, like how much thrush sucks, because I don’t think that post would be very productive FOR ME, or for anyone else reading it. And like I mentioned before, writing out all the things I’m doing to combat thrush wouldn’t be all the productive either, because other people have already written that stuff (including the me from three years ago) and there is no reason to rehash all those strategies here.

Of course, I may write about what worked and what didn’t for us this time because that is not something I’ve found on other sites and I think it could be helpful for me, and others, to have that written someone where for posterity.

The reality is, EVERYTHING I write about right now is going to have SOMETHING to do with the birth of my son, or having a newborn or our transition to a family of four. And breastfeeding, sleep schedules, my parenting philosophies and so on are all a part of that. I guess I just want to think hard about how I tackle those topics. I want the way I write about them to be interesting and useful to me. Sometimes I just come onto this blog and I vent or chronicle or document. Sometimes that is EXACTLY what I need (gawd knows I NEED to vent a lot of the time). But sometimes I write those posts because I just can’t manage anything else, and at the end of them I feel less than fulfilled by the act of writing and later, reading them, I’m less than fulfilled by what I’ve written. Those are the kinds of posts I want to avoid, the ones that don’t feel good for me to write or read later.

I realize, from comments on my post and sentiments on other people’s blogs, that I didn’t make myself clear when I wrote about all this before. In fact, I don’t think I really realized what I was TRYING to say until I saw what other people thought I had said. Now, having thought about it more, I understand what I was hoping to express in that post. Now I know what I was actually feeing when I wrote it and what I meant to convey when I tried to write about it. I hope I didn’t offend anyone in my first attempt, and I thank everyone who stepped in and commented, because each of your thoughts on the subject helped me to better clarify my own. I really appreciate that and I think it will help me better determine what I want to write about here and how I want to tackle the subjects that are important to me.

And there is actually SO MUCH I want to write about, like my complicated feelings about breastfeeding, and how I don’t really love it and I hate how complicated my oversupply makes things but then how I feel guilty that it’s relatively easy for me in that my son eats without much issue and gains weight easily and how there are so many people who do SO MUCH to try to have what I have, and yet I have it and I don’t really appreciate it, at least not enough. And I want to write more about this transition and what it has meant for my daughter, and my partner and me (my gawd, I could write a BOOK about the transition from one child to two and how hard and amazing and challenging and incredible it is). And I want to write about my relationship with my partner and how I don’t really know how to navigate it and how I don’t know how to carve out space for myself as a breastfeeding mother that is tied to her child. And I want to write about how I feel I give too much, because it seems that SOMEONE should be able to keep a semblance of their old life in tact and since it CAN’T be me, I might as well let it be my partner, but how then I feel resentment for him having what I can’t have, even though I’m the one giving it to him. And I want to write more about how resolving my infertility feels both incredible and difficult and how it makes me feel grateful and guilty all at once. There is so much I want to write about and ALL of the topics center around my newborn and this immense transition.

Ah, this blog and the amazing people who read it. It, and you all, continue to challenge me in all the right ways and I’m so thankful to have this space, and my readers, to help me understand myself, and this journey, better.

One response

  1. I got exactly that sentiment out of your post, that you didn’t want yourself to get lost in the yucky stuff that is brand new motherhood. I’ve seen a friend who got subsumed by motherhood for a good 2 or 3 years. Everything that was her and her thoughts and her opinions vanished and she was just mom and nothing else. Then she woke up and I’m glad she did. It’s easy to get lost caring for little ones and it’s totally reasonable for you to strive to stay connected to you. And I look forward to hearing about your experience nursing and how it is or isn’t awesome. I should write more about that too. Write what’s real and that’s fine by me!

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