So I put out the positive post about how I’m pretty much ready to do this thing. Or at least I’m ready as I’ll ever be. But this morning I couldn’t sleep, despite the fact that everyone else in my family was having a delightful time of it (it’s 9:30am and my daughter is still conked out–poor thing has a new cold, just what we need) and I realized that I have a lot of heavy shit going on in my life right now. Shit that I don’t need when I’m days away from welcoming my son into the world.
Of course the most obvious weight right now is the general depression and anxiety I’m feeling. Not how I wanted to spend the end of my last pregnancy to be sure. And other things are just compounding the situation.
This week we found out that an old friend/acquaintance died suddenly in his sleep. He came home after having some drinks after work, fell asleep on the couch and never woke up. We just spent the day with him a month ago at football game and to think that he’s dead is hard to handle. I can’t imagine the pain his fiance is going through. His death is such a stark reminder of the uncertainty of life. It’s just a lot to take in right now.
And then yesterday my mom informed me that my parents aren’t speaking; evidently my dad announced suddenly that he’s moving to China because he “just can’t take it here anymore.” He’s been unemployed for five years now and has been depressed for most of the time. There is more to it but I don’t feel like any of it is really my story to tell and I only give that little bit of background because I feel it’s important context for understanding the situation. My mom has been really angry at the way he’s been dealing with his unemployment and depression for a long time and I’m the main person she unloads it all onto. It’s totally inappropriate, as he is my father, but I know my mother has no one else to talk to and I don’t know how to tell her that I don’t want to hear these things. Plus I’m sure there is a part of me that would wonder how bad things were getting if I didn’t hear it from her in the first place. Of course now that I do know how bad things are, I wish that I didn’t. I just wish my mom hadn’t unloaded that shit on me literally DAYS before my son is going to be born. It’s just too much right now. (And honestly, I don’t really think my father will move to China in December but it sucks to know that their marriage of almost 40 years is in such danger of disintegrating.)
So yeah, that is some heavy shit. And when a day of false labor contractions sends me into a spiral of disappointment and frustration, I have to remember that I have other shit going on right now that is making it hard to process all of this productively. I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, even if I’m not living up to my own expectations. I will get through this, even if looks messy and I’m not proud of how I respond to it all, I WILL get through this. And my son will most probably arrive safe and sound and then the rest of it will just slip away. And if it doesn’t slip away, I will push it away, at least until I feel more ready to deal with it all.
Yesterday, when I was cleaning my pig sty of a bedroom to make space for Monito’s sleeping accoutrements, I found the bracelet that I had made after my ectopic pregnancy. It has one word printed on it: ESPERANZA. It was from that bracelet that I choose my nom de plum for this blog and I wore it every day of TTC after my loss and then throughout my second pregnancy with my daughter. It was nice to find it again this weekend, it felt like a good omen. And I will wear it again, until my baby boy is safely in my arms. And probably after that for a while.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to put this post out there. You have all been so amazingly supportive of me over the past weeks and months; the last thing I want to do is ask for more support. So please don’t feel the need to comment on this post. I’m really doing okay, all things considered. I’m going to the hospital tomorrow afternoon/evening with plans to bring my baby home with me when I leave. Life is really so good, but like most good things, it’s also complicated. Still I know that in the end all that will matter is gazing upon my son’s face for the first time. That is the end game here and it’s so, so close. If he arrives safe everything else will melt away and at my very core, I will be so incredibly happy.
Thank you all for your words of love, kindness and support, especially in the past week. They have meant more than I can say, and when I welcome my son into the world, I will feel you all there with me, more than I’ll feel anyone else in my life. I can’t wait to share his arrival with all of you, because you were the ones that helped me make it here to the finish line. I owe so much to all of you.
Thank you. Again and again, THANK YOU.