Still Nothing

I’m 4-5cm dilated and 60% effaced. Baby’s head is at +1. I’ve definitely been losing my mucus plug and maybe even saw some bloody show. And yet…nothing.

I had my membranes stripped, but evidently when you’re already that dilated it doesn’t do much. I didn’t even feel it and there was no spotting or discomfort after. I was really crampy for about two hours last night but I was smart enough not to get my hopes up. I did pump for two thirty minute sessions, hoping that might help but eventually I just went to bed.

Two weeks ago baby boy’s head measured 40 weeks. I’m starting to fear that I won’t be able to push him out even when he does decide to come. I have narrow hips and it took 2+ hours of pushing and a third degree tear to get my daughter out. I don’t know if I’ll be able to birth this baby when then time comes.

I feel like they keep boarding us onto a plane and then having us get off. Sometimes we even taxi for a while but we never actually get off the ground. The flight always gets delayed, yet again, and I’m beginning to believe we’ll never reach our destination.

Please don’t tell me that I’m SO CLOSE. I know, objectively that I am. I know that he’ll he here in the next three weeks (if nothing goes wrong) and that, in the grand scheme of things, that is “so close.” But I also know that every day when I show up at work and people comment; surprised, “Oh, you’re still here,” it will feel like an eternity stacked on top of another eternity. That again it will feel like he’s just never going to come and my mounting panic that I won’t be able to get him out will rise.

It’s hard to explain what it feels like to walk around with a cervix that is 5cm dilated and a baby’s head that is already engaged. It’s incredibly uncomfortable. Sitting doesn’t help. Standing makes it worse. Lying down is kind of better, but not by much. It’s this incredible pressure and it’s always there. And it will be until he comes. It’s exhausting and it makes it impossible to just live my life, ignoring the fact that I’m waiting desperately for this baby to arrive. I can’t just pretend like I’m not waiting. I can’t just push it to the back of my mind. It’s literally all I think about every minute of every day. And it’s been that way for two weeks.

My OB is sure I’ll deliver this week but she was sure I wouldn’t make it to yesterday’s appointment so clearly I have the ability to surprise. I honestly have no expectations anymore. And I suppose that is a good thing, the proper mindset, but instead it just makes me depressed.

I started taking my Zo.loft last night. I wish I could expect relief from it soon and not in 4-6 weeks, but I suppose a month from now is better than nothing.

Sorry I’m just writing that same awful post I promised I wouldn’t write. I literally have nothing else left in me to offer.

4 responses

  1. Unfortunatly, I know exactly how you feel, I went past my due date with both of my kiddos…take a deep breath, “enjoy” mindless TV, a snuggle with your daughter…anything that can “make time goes faster”…
    I also had to push my first born for more than 2 hours…the second one for less than 5 min…and she was almost 9 pounds…yo can do it!

  2. Its all a blur but Zoe was at least a week late — I think her original due date was at the end of November — and I was induced on December 7th (had her on the 8th) — I remember the anxiety and wanted to just tell you that I get it. I also want to tell you something else — before you got pregnant I was going to send you something — but of course I can never get my shit together — but I have a statue that I bought on my pilgrimage to Cozumel — of Ixchel — and as I recall — not only is she the goddess that was prayed to for fertility, but to keep mothers safe. I wrote a post about it called Land of Swallows … Know that I have dedicated her to you — in my mind she has been yours … well I would like to send her to you when things settle in — and perhaps you can send her on into the universe — as I don’t really follow many fertility journeys anymore … but something just told me that you would know where she might go next.

    Best wishes and love to you,

    Pam

    • Of course I know of Ixchel! And I LOVED your Land of Swallows post. Thanks for thinking of me and sending it to me in spirit. I’ll remember that as I’m waiting through all of this.

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