I am an ass

I feel like such an ass for putting up that post this morning. On today of all days. What a fucking insensitive bitch I am.

I must seem so ungrateful. Perhaps I am ungrateful. I don’t know anymore.

I’m just so tired. Ironically that is only going to get way worse once this baby finally does come.

I can’t really write about miscarriage and loss today. I just can’t. I’m specifically trying not to dwell on loss as I get down to the final weeks of this pregnancy. I’m still so scared something could go wrong. The main reason I want him OUT is because then I’ll know he’s okay. I mean, I know there are never any guarantees, but for my specific brand of anxiety, pregnancy = very possible loss and I want that part to be over.

So in place of writing about pregnancy and loss today, October 15, I will link to my Miscarriages are Real Losses post, which remains, to this day, my most heavily trafficked and commented on post on my blog. It is also the post I’m most proud of, as I believe it has touched the most amount of people in a positive way, and for me, that is what blogging is all about. So in case you’re relatively new to this corner of the blogosphere and haven’t read that post, I’ll link to it now, while I beg your forgiveness for my sniveling these past weeks. Blerg. I’m so not proud of myself.

5 responses

  1. You are not an ass!! You’re just 9 months pregnant, 4.5 cm dilated, 60% effaced! πŸ™‚ It’s allowed.

    When I was 8 months pregnant with C, I was yelling at J in the supermarket and some stranger tried to calm me down. I was ashamed for behaving so badly. But when I went into labor the very next day, I understood why I was having such a hard time holding it together. Soo…

    • I’ve had so many crazy meltdowns during the last week. At first I thought they were a sign of impending labor but I’m past that now. All the signs that point to labor don’t really point to labor. Evidently I am a walking anomaly and nothing applies to me. πŸ˜‰ And, I don’t think it’s okay for someone to come try to calm you down, unless it was done in a supportive way and even so… that doesn’t sit right with me. I’m sorry that happened to you.

  2. You are not an ass. What you are going through is really hard. It sounds uncomfortable and frustrating and I hope you get some relief soon.

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