Breakdown

Last night I did something really dumb.

And then I had a complete breakdown.

The dumb thing was that I tried to do a little lady-scaping with the clippers and ended up dropping them (while plugged in and ON) into the toilet. It was only after fishing them out that I realized I’d cut myself and was bleeding from my lady bits. Because there is nothing a woman who’s hoping to give birth soon needs more than cut up lady bits.

I started having my breakdown before I’d even managed to staunch the bleeding.

I’m so embarrassed to even write that but I’ve always wanted to keep things real on this blog and real right now means bleeding from a cut (or perhaps multiple cuts, I have no idea, I can’t see a thing down there) on or near my vag while blowing copious amounts of snot from my nose and dabbing my tear stained face.

Mi.Vida says I’m so close. I can make it through this. Everyone says I’m so close. They’ve been saying that for weeks now. Surely he’ll come anytime, everyone says.
And I believe them. Except he doesn’t come.

I’m reminded of a run a friend I went on during our marathon training. It was a 14 mile run on a six mile trail, so we had to turn around at one point and run back a mile and then turn around and keep going to make sure we logged our 14 miles by the end. This was a trail I had walked many times and I knew it quite well. At the end there is a spot where the trail turns and opens to a straight away and you can see the finish line right as you round the curve. At the end of our 14 miles, when we were so tired we could barely see straight, I thought we were rounding the curve and I told my friend that in just a second we’d see the finish like. Except it wasn’t the right curve and when we rounded it we just saw another straight away disappearing into another curve. I told her I was sorry, that the curve coming up must be the one but she was so angry at me for offering that false hope that she wouldn’t talk to me until we were in the car, driving home.

That is how I feel right now. I’m tired and sore and everything hurts and everything is hard and I can’t get comfortable and it all feels like too much. And I keep being told that this curve is the one and I’ll see the straight away and the finish line but it never comes. Each curve just leads to a new curve and I never know when the curve ahead will finally be the one that reveals the finish line.

I wish I hadn’t gotten checked two weeks ago. I wish I never knew I was already 3cm dilated and 50% effaced. I wish I hadn’t been so sure labor was starting only to have it stop abruptly. I wish it didn’t feel like my baby’s head is already at the zero station every minute of every day. I wish it didn’t hurt to sit or stand or walk to drive or do ANYTHING. I wish it didn’t feel like labor were always imminent, because it never actually comes. I wish this were all more manageable.

I wish I still weren’t so scared something might go wrong.

There is truly a part of me that believes this baby will never get here, that I’m going to live the rest of my life 9 months pregnant, wondering if or when he’ll come. Everyone says he’ll be here in two weeks, at the latest but I don’t believe anyone anymore. Maybe he’ll wait until his original due date, in November. The only thing I know for certain is that no one knows when this baby will come. And I may go crazy waiting for him to arrive.

7 responses

  1. I know this feeling so well. And there’s nothing to do but just power through it and hurry up and wait. All I can say is I promise this will be behind you soon. And yes, even November is soon.

  2. “I wish I still weren’t so scared something might go wrong.” This is why people don’t understand why we’re not “glowing” all the time during pregnancies or why they think we’re not enjoying pregnancy…because we know that it’s not a guarantee. Have you talked to your doc about any measures that can be taken to speed up labor, or planning an induction? I have a friend that, at the end of her rainbow pregnancy, couldn’t handle the emotions anymore, so they induced.

  3. Awh hon, I was worried this would happen when they moved up your due date originally. It’s so hard to have a set time frame in your mind of when you think they’ll GET OUT ALREADY and then it might not happen quite that soon. *sigh* Hang in there.

    PS, HYSTERICAL about the cut lady bits (in an empathetic HOLY SHIT OUCH kind of hysterical way)!

  4. Sorry to hear about your breakdown. I already have to bend completely at the waist to see my lady parts, so after hearing about your incident, I think I will leave any future grooming in the hands of the professionals!

    I also understand being worried that something will still go wrong. I thought it would get easier as I got farther along in my pregnancy, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

    Stay strong… you’re doing great!

  5. Oh due dates. Such a rotten business. I hope you enjoy your time off from work even if you spend some of it relaxing with no baby yet, and that he arrives soon and safely. Hang in there. November is actually soon and will be here before you know it.

  6. ouch to your lady bits!

    I too am guilty of the “we’re almost there” syndrome. I once had a boyfriend who hated to be in a car because he lost his mom in a terrible crash as a child. So having to drive everywhere when he came to visit me was excruciating. Every trip was horrible. But one time, on a pretty long trek up to my college to drop off some stuff, I made a very similar” just around the bend” kind of comment, and was wrong. And wow, silence can be a heavy, heavy weight.

    I’m so sorry you have the weight of waiting to carry. It does feel cruel – feeling like you’re almost there and then you’re not, and still not, and still not. You ARE doing great! And still writing! And the topic of interest right now is YOU. Hang in there.

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