I spent Friday afternoon in my mom’s classroom scoring a state test that is due October 16th. I administered the test over three school days in September and all I had left to do was score half of them (another teacher was going to score the rest). Initially the scoring of these test was low on my list of things to do because I knew there was another teacher who could score them if I went out early, but my VP had been giving me such a hard time about them, and so they were causing me so much stress, that I decided to just get them done. When my MIL called and offered to pick Osita up from school on Friday afternoon I knew my opportunity had presented itself.
So I stayed until 6:30 on a Friday scoring some dumb state test. The worst part is, the state will ultimately score them itself but my VP is making me do it first so we can move students around now if the results deem it necessary. Except we won’t move students around now. We never have and we never will. We’ll wait until the state scores come back in January before we take any action, just like we did for the last two years. So basically I was scoring these tests because my VP made me and they will serve absolutely no function whatsoever.
To say that I was frustrated to be spending my time that way is an understatement.
It should also be mentioned that this was after I had a complete nervous breakdown because my long term sub showed up unannounced with the greeting, “I swear I’m not a flake but…”
Turns out she has been given an opportunity to make some money in October and since she doesn’t know when I’ll be out and she might be waiting around for a few weeks before they need her at my school, she can’t possibly pass it up. So she is not not available until Nov 1st. Which means there will be random subs in my room for a possible three weeks, four if baby boy comes in the next seven days.
Now my Maternity Leave binder is all set but it’s not appropriate for random people–or even a person a week– over an extended period. That kind of coverage requires DAILY lesson plans, with the corresponding copies already made. I have four classes which means I need to write three weeks worth of lesson plans for four classes. It’s an incredible amount of work. Also, there will probably be NO ONE grading my students work during all the time. What do you think the chances are the long term sub will even look at it when she comes in? Pretty much none. So my kids will be left with a final grade that is void of 2-3 weeks of worth. It’s so unfair to them. And to me.
I have SO MUCH work to do this week to be ready for this. And of course I may write all the plans and have all the copies ready and then be at work, using them myself. Because who knows when this baby is going to come. I’ve been walking around all week with nary a sign that his arrival may be imminent. I am telling myself it will probably be the week of the 14th but who knows. Maybe he’ll be here on his original 11/2 due date. By then he’ll probably weight 11lbs.
As I was sitting in my mom’s classroom (the only saving grace of staying on Friday was that my mom had to stay too so I got to hang out with her while I did the mind numbing work of scoring those damn tests), she mentioned more than once that I seemed a little down. And I guess I am. I’m not really sure what is wrong with me. I should be in the most fantastic mood–my dream family is about to come into fruition–but instead I’m feeling kind of depressed. And I’m not really sure why.
Sure I’m uncomfortable, but I’m not in pain. My hips and back don’t hurt (I believe I have our new memory foam mattress to thank for that). I’m only just starting to get that shooting pain down my leg when I walk but it’s not so bad yet. Really it’s just the intense pressure of baby boy being low and already being 3cm dilated that’s hard but it’s not PAINFUL. The Pepcid is keeping the heartburn at bay. I’m sleeping relatively well, considering. Honestly, I couldn’t really ask for an easier time of it this late in my pregnancy. And yet… I don’t know. I’m just in a considerable funk.
And I feel horribly guilty. Actually I don’t. It’s more like I feel like I SHOULD feel guilty. I don’t really have the energy to feel guilty. Instead I just feel depressed.
I’m trying not to think too much into it. I’m trying not to get scared about PPD and whether feeling this way now means I’m at a higher risk for that later. I didn’t get it last time but last time I was on Zoloft at the end of my (well actually during almost my entire) pregnancy and for six weeks after my daughter was born. This time I have avoided the anti-depressant and I wonder if that will ultimately lead to my demise.
I know anxiety is part of this. I’m still so scares something might go wrong. Every day I wonder if today will be the day it all comes crashing down on us. I want so badly to believe he’ll be here in the next couple of weeks, but that feels like hubris. I know I write on here like he’ll be here, but I don’t really believe that is true. Well, sometimes I do and sometimes I’m paralyzed with fear that it’s not true. I just want him to be here.
Maybe that is really it, in the end. I just want him to be here. I can’t do this waiting limbo for much longer. There is just so much to think about until he comes but after he’s here it will all be so simple (hahaha! I’m obviously insane with the waiting if I think that). It will be all about him and work and the preparation piece and the rest will all fall into the background. Or maybe I’m just kidding myself. Maybe I’m just sick of what I’m facing now and think facing something else will be better, when really it will be worse. I have no idea what awaits me on the other side of my son’s birth. Maybe that uncertainty is also part of this. I have no idea. Honestly, I don’t know. I’m just trying to muddle through as best I can, get my month’s worth of sub plans ready and keep the house in decent enough shape to welcome this baby boy. If he actually comes home sometime soon.
PS And… I just found out on Facebook that it wasn’t just a few staff members at my work who were invited to a colleague’s wedding that I wasn’t invited to, but 13! And one is my best work friend who I called on Saturday afternoon and who basically lied to me so I wouldn’t know she was going because I’m sure she felt bad. How embarrassing! Do I comment on their pictures or does that just make me look like even more of a rejected social outcast? Ugh. Work tomorrow is going to suck.
PPS And our tenant, who we love, just gave us notice that he’s leaving. Awesome. Now we have to find someone new the month after our son is born. We really can’t afford to miss a month of rent either.
Sorry to be such a whiny brat. I’ll stop now.