Lately I’ve been having very anxious dreams; I wake up feeling less well rested than when I went to sleep. These anxious dreams involve all manner of different problems. Sometimes I can’t find something and I’m searching and searching everywhere but it never turns up (I spend so much of my life looking for things, it’s insane). There are also horrible dreams where I lose track of Isa or I can’t get back to her in time or I know she’s hurt but I can’t find her. These are the worst kinds of dreams; I wake up from them in a state of pure and utter panic.
Sometimes I have a hard time falling back asleep after one of my many nightly bathroom trips. If I just need to pee I can usually fall back asleep almost immediately, but if Isa hears me and wants me to come into her room for something, I get back into bed feeling very alert and it’s hard to turn my mind off. This weekend I was awake for hours, thinking about all the different possible configurations for Teo’s room.
Should we leave the elliptical in there? If so, when will I use it, if I can’t use it when he’s sleeping? If we move it where on earth would it go and how in god’s name would we get it there? We probably can’t keep the desk but where will the printer go? And can I still keep my super expensive, ergonomically correct desk chair or will that be useless without an actual desk? Maybe it could stay in the babies room and be like a rocker. No, that is stupid, it’s a freaking desk chair for christ’s sake. And what about that shitty chest of drawers from Mi.Vida’s parents? There isn’t room for it anywhere else and yet I know Mi.Vida won’t want to part with it. Gah, so many questions and no answers!
And that is how it goes for hours, circling back through the same set of questions, never getting closer to any answers. And the silly thing is, none of these questions need to be answered until January or February, as we don’t plan on putting Teo in his room until then, and we’re not moving the crib or changing table out of Isa’s room until we officially move Teo into his room so the whole thing is a moot point until I go back to work! So why am I freaking out about it now?!
Sometimes I think I stress about all this stuff because it’s so much more manageable than stressing out about something horrible happening to Teo, or even how hard a transition like this will likely be for my sweet girl, or how challenging it’s going to be for Mi.Vida and I to adjust to parenting two children. Those are situations that I can’t control, that I can’t really plan for before they happen. But dumb stuff like how I’ll configure furniture is something I can influence, and so I obsess about it until I drive myself crazy.
As I come up on 30 weeks I’m starting to feel a lot of anxiety about this baby coming. One the one hand I’m so eager to meet him, I want him to be HERE so I can look into his face and memorize every inch of his tiny body and see what he’s like and truly fall in love with him. On the other hand I’m terrified of all the unknowns and I worry I won’t be able to handle any of it.
And of course, I don’t want to wish this pregnancy away. I promised myself I wouldn’t do that, not out of fear of what might happen and certainly not out of impatience. Pregnancy is something I’ll never experience again. I want to savor it. Teo will eventually be here and then I’ll have his whole life (hopefully) to get to know him, to be him mom. But this time when he’s inside me is so limited. Some day it will be nothing but a dull memory. I want to soak up this miracle every chance I get.
So here I am, being tugged in a million different directions, both emotionally and physically. I want Teo to come, but I’m scared of his arrival and I don’t feel prepared. I want to cherish this pregnancy but I’m terrified something will go wrong. I want to have control but I can’t have control, so I obsess over dumb stuff that doesn’t need to be controlled.
I know the next two and a half months are going to be messy. I start work in less than two weeks. I’ll be nine weeks away from my due date when I go back to my job. Me going back is a big transition for the whole family and it will be late September before we’re securely in a routine. Them we’ll have one short month before our whole world is turned upside down once again. I know going back is going to be difficult. I know my family is going to struggle with the change in morning routine and it will be hard to maintain my exercising efforts when I’m back at work. I suppose I’m just anxious about the next few months, for so many reasons. It all feels incredibly overwhelming.
But I’ll get through it. I know I will, no matter how many anxious dreams await me. I have to. There just aren’t any other options.