Freaking Out

This is a ranty, I’m-freaking-out pregnancy related post. Please feel free to skip if it’s not where you are right now. I’m hoping to hide this on a Sunday night so no one will see it. 😉

Can I just start this by saying that most of the time, I absolutely adore being pregnant again. I love feeling this strong little man inside me, kicking and turning and just making his presence known. I never take any of his movements for granted, even when they get really distracting!

But there are moments when the rest of pregnancy feels hard, especially now that I have so much less time to rest due to my super energetic three year old daughter. Pregnancy when you have a toddler to chase (and pick up) is no joke.

I’m officially 29 weeks today. Only 11 weeks to go until my revamped due date. I’ve already gained 25 lbs. I’m already starting to feel the pain and discomfort I didn’t really expect until after 32 weeks. And I’m already having a hard time getting a good night’s sleep. Last night I went to the bathroom SEVEN TIMES! In less than that many hours.

My hips hurt all the time and today I took a simple step to the side while I was getting dressed for yoga and felt this sharp, agonizing pain in my pelvic bone; it’s been super sore and tender all day, with frequent shooting pains when I take certain steps (though I can’t figure out exactly what kind of steps cause it, so I can’t avoid them).

I have Braxton Hicks contractions ALL THE TIME, which I never had with Isa. They aren’t painful, but the do create a significant amount of discomfort and distract me like crazy. I can’t really do much until they pass.

My heartburn has been pretty bad for a few weeks now though luckily it is well managed with chewy (not chalky) Tums-like antacids. I have to pee ALL THE TIME, like constantly. Today at yoga I went five times in an hour and a half. It makes being out in the world really difficult.

The only pleasant (physical symptom) surprise right now is that my chelated magnesium/calcium supplements (which help soothe my nightly leg cramps) seem to be keeping my regular, which both my back/hips and hemorrhoids appreciate. {This is all I’ll mention of my hemorrhoids, because, well yeah, I suspect even you, my dear readers have limits.}

When I think that there are still 11 weeks of this pregnancy, during which I’m sure to gain at least 11 more pounds (I’ve been on a pretty steady one pound per week gain since I started really watching what I eat and exercising regularly), I start to feel a little panicky. In fact, when I think about starting work in three weeks (which I’m pretty much obsessing about at this point) I start to feel super fucking panicky. I don’t know how I’m going to get back into the swing of things at school when I’m 32 weeks pregnant, giant and waddling around with my hips screaming in pain. It’s going to be a difficult start to the year to be sure.

Right now, things are actually quite manageable, but that is only the case because I don’t have many obligations this summer. Even with my big yard project, and the tutoring I was doing, my schedule has been pretty low key compared to what I’m used to. I’ve been able to stay on top of most of what I need to do (housework excluded, of course) without feeling too overwhelmed. As soon as work starts up again this nice rhythm we’ve fallen into will be lost. Mi.Vida will be taking Isa to school again, which totally stresses him out and I will be returning home to deal with a fussy, overstimulated toddler and a messy house, all while feeling physically exhausted. Thank god I’m going to be part time this year, otherwise I’d be losing my shit about writing three months worth of maternity leave plans for four different classes.

Of course, being part time means we’re financially strapped for the entire year, which is also causing me a significant amount of stress, but that is a whole other post.

Of course, these are the best kind of problems to have. Honestly, I KNOW THIS. And I am so, so grateful. But my gratitude can’t nullify the physical, emotional and financial stress of this last part of pregnancy, which will quickly become maternity leave and parenting two children. So many transitions are in store, and transitions are hard for us right now. When I think of how long it took Mi.Vida and Isa to get to where they are today, and then to think of how much is about to change, making both their lives more challenging, and knowing that I will have to be the one to pick up the slack and make it better, even when I’m exhausted from not sleeping well and lugging around an every increasing amount of weight… well, I’m just not sure how I’m going to do it. All I know for certain is that there are going to be so many overwhelmed moments when I just feel like I can’t possibly go on, but I’ll have to.

And this end of pregnancy stress will just melt into mothering a newborn stress and then into mothering two children stress and then into trying to keep my family afloat despite all of it stress.

Blerg. Sometimes I wonder if I really realized what I was getting myself into all those months ago when I started trying to get pregnant again. It seems, I probably did not. I guess none of us do, which is why we even attempt this two-kids-with-two-working-parents-and-a-mortgage thing. 😉

And I’m sorry to rant about that which I worked so hard for. I’m just freaking out about starting school again so soon, when I already feel so exhausted as it is. I promise there will be very few posts like this in the coming months, but every once in a while I may need to let off some steam. I apologize.

12 responses

  1. Bless your heart. Seriously. When I read about the physical toll pregnancy takes on your body, sometimes I am glad I didn’t go through it :-/. Parenting a newborn and a toddler as well as working full time is no joke, and my hat is off to you. You have every right to vent & worry. I know I feel like I can’t get any progress made around the house & D is 4 and my only. Bottom line: parenting is hard. Modern parenting & all the challenges and joys it brings is hard.

    Hugs, hugs, hugs

  2. I keep thinking of the pain in the hips thing. It hurts. Like really really hurts. And it is exhausting. You are entitled to let off steam. It is ok. Everyone knows how much you love and are glad you are pregnant it isn’t like you are all oh yeah I got knocked up now lets make a joke of it every five minutes!!

  3. Freak out all you need to….I’m actually starting to freak out at the thought of what lies ahead. Other than my extended morning sickness and gestational diabetes, this pregnancy has really been a breeze. I’ve not had any of the pain, though my hips went thru a period of being sore. I’m grateful to be where I am, but I’m starting to freak out a bit too. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with all this on top of heading back to school. Sending hugs honey….we’ll face this all together, thank goodness for virtual friends LOL

  4. I hear you! This pregnancy has been SO much harder in a physical sense than my first. Painful hips and pelvis, frequent shortness of breath, heaps of BH (which I also didn’t have last time) and lots of abdominal muscle pain. I also struggled with these symptoms while looking after a very active toddler. And every single day at work I told myself that I didn’t think I’d make it another day. But I did! And you will too. Yes, it is going be very difficult, but it’s for a limited time and you WILL get through it.

  5. Oh, this brings me back! One of my childhood friends told me having 2 little ones is not as hard as being pregnant when you have one little one. After the first couple of months, I’d say this is true. Not having your body to yourself can take a big toll on you and really affect everything.

    As far as having two kids, I’d say that at the beginning, it really is as hard as you’re afraid it will be. Sorry! BUT… not for that long. C is sleeping through the night now and I’m feeling much more in control of things. I’ve even been getting to work early these days. But having two is so rewarding and so much fun. It’s just intense, I guess.

    So no worries about the rant. I have been there (and it looks like several of your readers are there right now). And we get it.

    Good for you for still exercising, though! I gave up at 23 weeks.

  6. word. I feel you! This time is so much more physically challenging than the first. I have the pelvic achiness braxton hicks, and I’m ust far more uncomfortable than I was with L earlier. I was comfortable right up until 34 weeks…well not this time! You will get through it. It might be tough, but one day at a time.

    Did they move up your EDD again? I thought you were a week behind me, but if you were 29 weeks yesterday, we have the same due date now!

    • My due date is October 22. Am I a week off? That is entirely possible. I have a hard time keeping track this time, especially when I’ve had two due dates. 😉

    • You’re right! I’m only 28 weeks tomorrow. Ugh. That makes me feel even worse about how bad I’m already feeling. Blerg.

  7. Rant away girl! Rant away! All of this is completely legit stuff to be worried about—not that it’ll happen, but its normal to worry. Two kids—it’ll be hard, and then get easier, and then hard, and (hopefully) easier again—just like all the phases you’ve been through with Isa. But, really, beneath all my complaining, its what I’ve always wanted, and that joy & satisfaction is there. You’ll be fine, you are no stranger to hard work.

  8. You do not have to apologize for ranting. I am two weeks behind you and I feel your pain. Really. I am counting the days until I can STOP working (2.5 months) and I can’t imagine being off and having to start up again. Oh how terrible 😦

    Frankly, what we are doing is hard. Sometimes I wish people (ahem…my husband!) would recognize that more!

    p.s. My midwives recommended the magnesium for both of those reasons – the RLS/leg cramps AND to stay regular.

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