The Tatas Must Be Contained!

This post is part of the PAIL monthly theme focusing on Body Image.

Just last Friday I stood meekly on the scale at my OB’s office as the bright red numbers flashed quickly before settling on 160. I cringed. At only 17 weeks I’ve already gained 16lbs. I will have to curb my weight gain substantially if I want to meet my 35lb total pregnancy gain goal. I already feel like a failure.

Body image during pregnancy is a strange beast. Pregnancy changes your body in odd and unexpected ways, at least for most of us. Of course there are those women who tout perfect size-four frames, sporting a gloriously round baby bump. But for most of us, pregnancy is not just about a burgeoning belly. It’s also about massive porn tits, ever increasing backsides and a layer of protective fat that covers every inch of the body. Your face gets swollen and your cheek bones retreat into the puffy fleshiness. Every single inch of you is BIGGER. Suddenly you don’t recognize yourself, and despite the deep gratitude and overwhelming awe of what is going on inside of you, the transformation can be difficult to endure.

On my 5’8″, size 8 frame, 16 pounds is not easily hidden, especially when it’s not obviously caused by pregnancy. I’ve already lost sight of my cheek bones, while my ass can be spotted from a significant distance. I have something of a bump but really it is more a mound of dimpled flub congregating in front of my slightly larger uterus. I wear a belly band to shape said chunk into something not quite so monstrous but still, I mostly just look fat.

The part of my body that is really upsetting me these days is my chest. My titays are massively huge. Already my 40DD bra is bursting at the seams, leaving deep groves around my rib cage. These porn tits are giant and they only seem to be growing bigger. And now, with every outfit I choose, the question must be asked, How are the tatas going to be contained?

Because… these tatas must be contained.

I’m a middle school teacher. I teach boys who are weathering intense storms of pre-pubescent hormones. Cleavage is not something I can sport at school. And I remind you that teaching doesn’t just involve standing in front of a class, but also requires bending over at a student’s desk, mere inches from his poor, acne stained face, one’s chest area following behind one’s face, despite all one’s efforts to keep it away. Basically my breasts need to be on lock down at all times. There can be no chance of them making a surprise appearance for both my own sake and the sake of those poor 8th grade boys.

I guess that is really what makes me the most nervous about my body right now, how these rather large breasts seems to sexualize me in ways that do no feel comfortable. I have never been a very sexual being. I had barely kissed anybody before having sex at the ripe old age of 25. My first time was all about getting it over with so that I would no longer be some kind of loser freak I was sure all mid-twenties something virgins (not-by-choice) must be. Sexuality has always made me uncomfortable. It was NEVER something I embraced and my inability to truly celebrate my sexuality puts a strain on my relationship to this day.

Accommodating my massive titays at a time when I’m feeling anything but sexual is hard for me. I don’t want to see 4 inches of cleavage adorn any outfit, let alone most of them. I don’t want people to be thinking about my large breasts right now. I don’t want my body to be sexualized, maybe even fetishized, when I feel so unfamiliar in my own skin, when I feel so vulnerable.

The problem is, massive titays are hard to hide. I have an arsenal of high necked camasoles that I wear under most shirts. I’ve purchased some light scarves to adorn the maxi dresses I love that are cut too low (or that my breasts overpower with their sheer size and strength). I can’t tell you all the many ways I’ve developed to dress down these porn tits. My motto these days is most definitely: THE TATAS MUST BE CONTAINED.

Because I certainly don’t want ANYONE seeing them. They embarrass me. They even kind of disgust me.

When I look at myself in the mirror all I can see are these massive tities. They stretch every piece of clothing, bursting most at the seams. It’s almost as if they are screaming to be seen. They seem so abnormally large in comparison with the rest of my body. They hurt. They itch. They pull on my shoulders and back. They assassinate my self esteem. They are just really hard to handle.

Honestly, the weight gain of pregnancy doesn’t bother me. I’m not worried about how I’ll look at the end of all this. I gained 55 lbs the first time around and I know my body will never be the same. I’ve come to terms with that. I just have a hard time during these months when I have to walk around in this foreign body, with all its strange, newly sized appendages and all the baggage they bring with them.

Pregnancy is, in and of itself, a declaration of sexuality. For 85% of people, pregnancy is the result of sex. When people see that you’re pregnant they KNOW you had sex. And it’s not that sex itself embarrasses me, but I don’t like being forced into this role of overt sexuality. I don’t like my huge breasts serving as a constant reminder of how easily objectified I might be. I just want to go back to having the body I’ve known for so long, the one I feel comfortable in. Of course I wouldn’t trade this pregnancy for that body for all the riches in the world, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to enjoy looking this way, especially now when it’s not at all clear WHY I look this way.

Hopefully, when my belly starts to really swell, my breasts won’t seem to abnormally giant and I won’t feel so sexualized because of them. I just need to wait a few more months. And in the meantime, I need to thrown a camisole under my shirt and tie a scarf on top, whatever it takes to direct attention away from my enormous tatas.

13 responses

  1. You do a really good job describing why this makes you uncomfortable – and it also sounds like you’re doing a really good job covering them up! Soon, your belly will overtake the tatas and they won’t look so big!

    (And FWIW, I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 22. I felt like I was the oldest person in the world to do it!)

  2. Phew, I don’t have the tatas like that yet (if ever?), but I totally get why it would make you uncomfortable. Pregnancy weight gain is a hard thing to reconcile oneself with – especially when it’s a pregnancy you prayed for and fought for so hard. It doesn’t make it any easier when your pants quit fitting and you simply feel “thick.”

    Hang in there lady – it will all be worth it – and the weight WILL come off eventually if you make it a priority. Good luck!

  3. When I saw this month’s theme, I thought about participating, but my image is so messed up before pregnancy, after/during is insane. You’ve done a great job here expressing the ups and downs of body image. I unfortunately had bodacious tatas before pregnancy, now they’re just obscene. I can’t imagine working with hormonal boys with these things. Good news is school is almost out for the summer….It’s a challenging place to be, but you’ve got this….

  4. this is such a great, well-written post (and way more deep than I expected from the title!). Working with patients, I similarly hate hate HATE the idea of being seen as sexual in a work environment. I’m glad you found some tricks to help keep things under wraps, and you are right, when the belly comes along, you will look more balanced. Also, when I was pregnant, I once had this guy yell at me on the street “girl, I know what you’ve been doing”, which was really uncomfortable but also funny, because I didn’t expect that guy drinking a 40 from a paper bag on the street corner at 2pm to know about our IUI at the RE office.

  5. I love your use of tatas, titays, etc! This post is so expressive and REAL!

    I had the same issues when I was pregnant with Matthew, and you really describe why I hated my tits so much back then. I felt like everyone was looking at them all the time. I felt like they were going to fall out of my shirt at any given moment. I hated them. I just saw some old photos today of myself as a nursing mom and I cringed when I noticed my TITAYS!

    Great post – and I feel you! Man alive – I totally know how this feels!

  6. I hear you loud and clear. Such a great post. My chest appendages have now hit gargantuan. The particularly hard part is the physical discomfort and that my spouse is the ogler in chief so there’s no pretending they aren’t there… If/when I’m not nursing, I like containing the monsters in an Enell bra. It resembles a straight jacket but it is so comfy and I can exercise without hitting myself in the face (and you thought that only happened in movies… nope). The huge pile of hooks isn’t workable for lactating, but otherwise it is my new favorite.

  7. I agree with everyone else. Great post.

    I had two very different reactions to reading it. First of all, I completely understand where you are coming from in terms of needing to hide your sexuality in your line of work. I work with children (some of them adolescent males) and I can’t be flashing my new breasts around and still respect myself (or probably keep my job). It’s hard to find ways to cover up and still feel feminine.

    But my other reaction is, is there a way you can embrace some of your sexuality or at least the femininity that comes with pregnancy? I’m not saying that to force anything on you, it’s just that I’ve been so pleasantly surprised with being able to accept my curves (aka cellulite and love handles) now that I’m pregnant and just loving how womanly I am. I want to share the love! Ha. Maybe just…well, in the bedroom?

    Either way, I’m sure this relationship with our bodies is a complex, changing thing during pregnancy and I can’t even imagine what it will be like towards the end.

  8. My boobs are huge ever since the twins were born. Before I was pretty normal. It’s really odd, and sometimes I still think I still have my old body and freak out that I don’t. And I don’t have to deal with middle school boys. It’s really nice and admirable that you are thinking about their feelings.

    There are modest ways to dress (in fact, dressing “modestly” is a whole movement in some religions) while being feminine and feeling good about yourself. Maybe I should write a post about this…

  9. Everyone and my mother commented on the size of my ass while I was pregnant. It was less than awesome. It made me kinda face punchy honestly. I really felt so out of touch with my body, like it didn’t belong to me so I didn’t have the right to feel sexy or pretty. It was G’s body right then, not mine. No cleavage showing or bathing suit wearing. Just every attempt to downplay my butt. Some people don’t have this problem, but I certainly did.

  10. Pingback: monthly theme, May 2013: “body image” posts listing – PAIL Bloggers

  11. the bump will be out in full display soon! pregnancy really does make you feel so out of your comfort zone body wise. Another being has taken over,you know? we’re just along for the ride. I hope that the belly comes and things even out a bit soon. And hooray that summer is almost here so you don’t have to worry about the pubescent boys!

  12. I have small breast and always wished they could have been slight bigger but your Ah-mazing describtion made me completely understand what you are going through.

    A few of my friends refer to teen moms and their children as “sex trophies”. However, inappropriate it is people know that you have had sex. I guess they assume it happens when you are at least married but now they have proof of it and it can be very uncomfortable.

    The baby bump will catch up before you know it!

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