I am in limbo right now. There are so many things that are not yet, but (hopefully) will be soon. I hate waiting in these spaces in between. I am impatient and time marches slowly. I just want to get to the other side, where things have either happened or not happened. Where I can either celebrate or move on.
School is winding down. The last weeks are torture. The kids don’t want to be there. The teachers don’t want to be there. The unseasonably warm weather is not helping keep the fever at bay. I just want it to be summer already, so I can say goodbye to this, the most challenging of all my years in the classroom. We are so close, and yet so far. It’s really hard to concentrate in this in between place.
The business of Mi.Vida’s big news is still, well, not any kind of news. At least it’s not anything we can share, because it hasn’t actually happened yet. We have every reason to believe it will happen, but until it does we have to pretend like it’s not happening at all. I know that bureaucracies move at a snail’s pace and I know that eventually we’ll get there and everything will most probably end the way we expect, but in the meantime it’s hard to plan our lives when we don’t know what a huge part of our lives will look like. Just a few more weeks and we should be at a place of knowing, and hopefully we will know something awesome.
I feel in a very in between place in my pregnancy too. I don’t feel I’ve really arrived at this pregnancy yet because I’m still not big enough to look pregnant or far enough along to feel the baby. I don’t take for granted how far I’ve come and I’m so happy to be here, but I’m impatient to be just a month farther along, when my belly is bigger and my baby is assuring me of his or her continued existence on a daily basis. Oh, and finding out if this is a boy or a girl will be awesome too.
It’s only four or so weeks away, the resolution to all of this limbo. Four weeks is such a short period of time, and yet it looms like a vast, unending stretch I’ll never get through. I know the days will march forward and I’ll be forced along for the ride and suddenly one day I’ll wake up at it will be the last day of school and my belly will have arrived and I will be feeling my baby at least once a day and I’ll know if that baby is a girl or boy and I’ll know if Mi.Vida and I have reason to celebrate and everything will be amazing.
I’m sure this is the most annoying post to read. Oh boo-hoo, in a month everything will be great, you just have to wait a little while to get there. And I feel lame for feeling this way. This limbo place is just wearing me down. Every day I trudge through a really hard class schedule, overwhelmed by my many preps and challenging students. Every day I fight back panic attacks, counting the minutes until I can go home and check that my baby’s heart is still beating with the Doppler. Every night I lie awake wondering if our precarious financial situation will collapse around us next year like a house of cards. It’s just hard for me to handle all this uncertainty. And I know it’s not much uncertainty, it’s not really uncertainty at all. It’s just a weird place to be and I’m not handling it well. But soon, soon it will all be over and I’ll be at a place where I can celebrate or mourn. Either way it will be okay, because by then I can move on.