I’m feeling kind of down today.
And then, of course, I feel guilty for feeling that way.
I actually feel all kinds of guilt about this pregnancy but I haven’t written about that yet. And today will not be the day I tackle it more deeply, but I will express all that eventually.
Today I’m just feeling down. Dumpy. I think it’s a mixture of a lot of things. A culmination of six weeks of nausea and exhaustion, the ten weeks of school looming before I get a break, the isolation of trying to hide how bad I feel and how big my stomach is already getting, the distance that keeps growing between Mi.Vida and I as we continue to operate as ships passing in the night.
The house is always a mess (it truly is a shit hole) and I oscillate between feeling guilty that I’m not doing my share to keep it up and annoyed that Mi.Vida isn’t stepping up to take the slack. Meanwhile, we continue to live in filth.
The stuff with Mi.Vida is actually quite distressing to me right now but I can’t even wrap my head around it enough to articulate it. And I’m sure it’s just a phase and we’ll eventually find our way through it but right now I just feel so very, very alone.
I feel the need to reiterate how grateful I am to be here, how intensely I cherish this gift. But there are some hard days, especially in this precarious first trimester, when the pregnancy dictates how you feel at every waking moment and yet you can’t share any of it with anyone (or at least with most people). It makes for a secretive, isolated existence, wherein you keep your distance from everyone lest they suspect the reason for why you look like death warmed over and you’re only wearing ill fitting, grossly baggy clothes. In the first trimester you can’t even celebrate much, you’re just spending the days hoping against hope that it will work out and trying to occupy your mind when thoughts of the possible future (both blissful and tragic) sneak into to your mental musings.
I know this sounds an awful lot like complaining. Maybe it is. I’ll accept the consequences either way. I just felt I had to exorcise this dumpy feeling so that I might better navigate through the day. I have so many hours of entitled middle school attitudes to contend with and just the thought of each one of them weighs me down. Hopefully this post will take a little pressure off, though it doesn’t seem to be working.