Down and Dumpy

I’m feeling kind of down today.

And then, of course, I feel guilty for feeling that way.

I actually feel all kinds of guilt about this pregnancy but I haven’t written about that yet. And today will not be the day I tackle it more deeply, but I will express all that eventually.

Today I’m just feeling down. Dumpy. I think it’s a mixture of a lot of things. A culmination of six weeks of nausea and exhaustion, the ten weeks of school looming before I get a break, the isolation of trying to hide how bad I feel and how big my stomach is already getting, the distance that keeps growing between Mi.Vida and I as we continue to operate as ships passing in the night.

The house is always a mess (it truly is a shit hole) and I oscillate between feeling guilty that I’m not doing my share to keep it up and annoyed that Mi.Vida isn’t stepping up to take the slack. Meanwhile, we continue to live in filth.

The stuff with Mi.Vida is actually quite distressing to me right now but I can’t even wrap my head around it enough to articulate it. And I’m sure it’s just a phase and we’ll eventually find our way through it but right now I just feel so very, very alone.

I feel the need to reiterate how grateful I am to be here, how intensely I cherish this gift. But there are some hard days, especially in this precarious first trimester, when the pregnancy dictates how you feel at every waking moment and yet you can’t share any of it with anyone (or at least with most people). It makes for a secretive, isolated existence, wherein you keep your distance from everyone lest they suspect the reason for why you look like death warmed over and you’re only wearing ill fitting, grossly baggy clothes.  In the first trimester you can’t even celebrate much, you’re just spending the days hoping against hope that it will work out and trying to occupy your mind when thoughts of the possible future (both blissful and tragic) sneak into to your mental musings.

I know this sounds an awful lot like complaining. Maybe it is. I’ll accept the consequences either way. I just felt I had to exorcise this dumpy feeling so that I might better navigate through the day. I have so many hours of entitled middle school attitudes to contend with and just the thought of each one of them weighs me down. Hopefully this post will take a little pressure off, though it doesn’t seem to be working.

8 responses

  1. I’m so sorry you’re having a tough time right now, and it does sound like it’s a combination of all sorts of things pulling and weighing on you. Sending you hugs and support.

  2. Oh sweetie, I’m sorry. It IS hard, I remember all those feelings, including the loneliness, and the distance from the spouse. I remember setting up my blog early in my 2nd pregnancy but not being able to post anything, because I was full of all this guilt/fear/isolation/angst during what by all counts should’ve been a happy time. Hugs to you.

  3. I am sorry I haven’t commented on your last few posts- we’ve had some crazy days around here. And I am sorry you are feeling dumpy- please don’t feel bad about “complaining”- which really, I think you are just venting, which is healthy. Yes, I am sure your stress with Mi.Vida is just a phase- unavoidable, really. The first trimester is SO HARD, and men just don’t get it, not really. I hope the rest of the school year goes super quickly for you, and in a few weeks hopefully you will start feeling MUCH better~!

  4. You are allowed to vent! You don’t have to include in every post how happy/lucky/grateful you are. We know. And send hugs. You are not alone.

  5. It feels so unfair that the first trimester, which is the part of pregnancy that is often the most miserable to get through, is also the time when you’re not supposed to tell a soul what’s going on.
    Also, who said that you’re not allowed to complain? Sure, you are lucky to be pregnant, but that doesn’t mean that you will enjoy every second of it. And it seems like your blog is a good space to be able to talk about the hard stuff, especially when you aren’t telling many people in real life about what’s going on. So complain away!

  6. I know I struggled with that feeling of not wanting to complain during my pregnancy too. But the fact is, if you’re feeling down, you’re feeling down. In addition to the nausea & pregnancy itself, life doesn’t stop, and it can be hard to juggle everything when you’re feeling that way. I hope it gets better soon!

  7. Don’t should on yourself. There’s no reason you should avoid complaining. It’s hard. If you need to complain, do so. It’s your blog and you are the boss. Things being hard doesn’t preclude being grateful too.

    Have you mentioned to Mi.Vida that you want him to pick up the slack? I had a discussion with the spouse about the laundry and how I am very willing to wash and dry it, but I will never fold and put it away while I’m in school, and could you pretty please just help me out with this little thing? AND it worked. It was amazing. Four loads of laundry got folded and put away. The next 2 haven’t yet but I am hopeful. Where I expected the spouse to see a problem, zie totally missed that there was one (because having all the clean laundry in the house in baskets in the kitchen was somehow totally fine I guess… hmm…) but once alerted, the spouse could help with what I recognized to be a problem.

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