Spew in this

After throwing up twice I threw down two croissants and most of a Ginger Ale and, for the first time in a while, I’m feeling better.

I am absolutely DETERMINED not to freak out in these rare moments where I don’t feel like I need to hurl.

{If you need to spew, spew in this. Ah, thank you Garth. Thank you.}

These past weeks I’ve been reading posts and wanting to write responses to them. So many people tackling such important and relevant issues. My own ideas on these subjects have swirled in my vomity, anxiety ridden mind, unable to be articulated.

But now, I feel like maybe, just maybe, I can say something other than pregnancy, pregnancy, hope, anxiety, pregnancy, hope, sick, pregnancy, anxiety, what if, pregnancy, pregnancy, pregnancy. PREGNANCY!

Maybe. Just maybe.

I remember once, a long time ago, my friend and I were discussing the transition of IF blogs through pregnancy and into parenthood and I declared–in a rather pompous and arrogant way–that no blog can be interesting in the first 3-6 months of motherhood. There is just no way. That shit is excruciatingly mundane and no one can get their head out of the fog of just surviving long enough to write anything coherent about anything else.

I believe I asked my friend to remind me of that if I ever had another baby–to remind me to try to write something worth reading in those first months, just to see if it could be done.

Turns out I should have been asking her to remind me if I ever got pregnant again, because evidently my posts get mundane as all hell nine months before a baby ever enters the picture. Seriously, these last couple of weeks have been NO GOOD.

And the thing is, I’ve followed quite a few blogs in the past year that have illustrated just how interesting and relevant people can be when they are pregnant. There are many blogs I’ve been following that mention pregnancy so rarely it’d be easy to forget they were pregnant at all. So I KNOW it can be done, I’m just not really sure how they do it.

Maybe when things get farther a long, when the vomity nature of these first weeks– which puts pregnancy in the forefront of my mind pretty much 24/7–subsides, it will be easier to think about other things. Right now I’m in such a weird place where I think about pregnancy constantly, but I never really think about having a baby. My sister mentioned this too, marveling at the fact that she may have another nephew or niece soon. She said, “I was thinking, my sister was hoping she’d be pregnant for a long time, not necessarily that she’d have a baby at the end of it.”

Touche sis, I was thinking the exact same thing.

And I still am I guess. And that’s fine. There are still many hurdles to clear and I don’t want to be presumptuous. I’m not one to believe I can jinx anything, but I do believe a loss is easier if you haven’t looked too far into the possible future.

And here I am talking pregnancy, pregnancy, possible loss, pregnancy, pregnancy, sick, pregnancy, PREGNANCY again.

I guess I wasn’t quite ready to move onto something else.

But I want to! I swear that I do! I’m just not sure yet how to do it.

Hopefully some day… soon. When I don’t feel quite so vomity.

4 responses

  1. You don’t need to know how to move onto something else yet – this is your reality and that’s fine! I still find your writing interesting and look forward to seeing posts from you.

    You know, I’m almost 25 weeks pregnant and I STILL don’t really think about having a baby at the end of this. There is so much for me to do to prepare, and I just don’t feel the urgency because I keep forgetting that a new person is entering our lives at the end of June. B keeps reminding me that we don’t have much time to get ready – and he’s right – but it still feels too early to me.

    I hope you feel better soon. I never had nausea or vomiting, and I have no idea how bad it can be. I always lamented the fact that I had none of this because I wanted the symptoms… the grass is always greener!

  2. I agree with Courtney. Your posts are anything but mundane. You are experiencing something special and write about what your life is like. There might be someone else out there who’s in the exact same place as you (ahem, me) who can totally relate and feels great she’s not the only one who can’t move to quickly without fear of tossing her cookies, which is SO unlike her first pregnancy. And to be honest the first 3 months of Raegan’s life were pretty crazy, but there were holidays in there and crazy in-laws and baptisms and other such insanity. Your life is yours, boring or exciting. Write about it!

  3. Ha- you made me laugh. Yes, I feel like I am totally in a baby fog and yeah, what else is there in the world?-ha. But no, your posts are not mundane- and it’s your world right now, so write about it.

  4. You just keep writing about whatever is on your mind…pregnancy, pregnancy, possible loss, anxiety, pregnancy, pregnancy, nachos, unicorns, politics, Back to the Future sequels…

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