Resigned

Thank you all for your kind comments and your assurances that it’s not over yet. And I know it’s not. It’s not that I believe it’s over, it’s more like I am reminded that nothing is guaranteed. I don’t think I realized how swept away in the surprise BFP and high beta and the intense morning sickness until it all came to a screeching halt. I actually needed that reality check to put things back into perspective.

It’s not that I believe I have less of a chance of seeing a heartbeat because my symptoms have lessened. (Today I have been feeling waves of nausea off and on, but the interims have been very mellow and I’ve been able to eat a lot more (at least a greater variety of food) today than in the last week and a half. I’m trying to celebrate how good I feel instead of lament what it might mean). This change in symptoms has been more of a reminder that nothing was ever guaranteed. And honestly, I’d rather go to that first appointment with a realistic view of my chances.

What I feel right now is more like resignation. I am resigned to the fact that I just have no way of knowing what the outcome will be. No amount of nausea can assure anything. Where there used to be giddy excitement, now I just feel a heavy acceptance of what these next months (if I’m lucky) will be like.

You know, I don’t think I ever mentioned it here, but this pregnancy brought into sharp relief just how far I’d come in my journey to acceptance about probably never being pregnant again. A huge part of my heart had come to a place of peace about not having another biological child and looking more seriously into fostering to adopt. It wasn’t until I actually saw that BFP and really believed that I was pregnant that it hit me: Now I have to be pregnant again. Now I have to live through this uncertainty.

I wasn’t mentally prepared for this. I wasn’t ready to be in this position. I thought that was a great gift, that by not expecting it I would be better able to accept whatever outcome might come to pass. But in a lot of ways it’s been difficult. I just wasn’t mentally and emotionally prepared to deal with the uncertainty. I’ve spent a lot of time these past two weeks managing my anxiety, trying hard to just be.

I also realize that there is a part of me, a huge part of me, that wants very badly to just be done with this. I want to be done building my family and move the fuck on with my life. If this pregnancy doesn’t work out, I don’t know if I’ll have the resolve to keep going. I don’t know if I’ll be able to embrace the months of our specialized diet, and throwing hundreds of dollars away on acupuncture, just for the possibility be in the same position as I am right now; one of absolute uncertainty.

I’m not saying that if this pregnancy ends I’ll definitely walk away, but I am saying that I’m not sure what I’ll do. I forgot how hard being pregnant is. I forgot that getting pregnant is only half of the battle. I don’t know if I’m willing to work so hard for just the chance of having a baby.

I’m just not sure. Of anything really.

9 responses

  1. I know what you mean. I was so focused on just doing the last few cycles to be done with it that I didn’t stop to think about what would happen if I did get pregnant. Now it’s here and I’m a barely contained wreck most of the day. Sending love your way, friend.

  2. I haven’t followed long enough to know how your first pregnancy went, but…with my daughter I had zero nausea but off the charts cramping. I’m now pregnant with a boy and had on and off nausea the first 15 or so weeks. I ended up needing zofran around week 8, but it was never consistent. The cramping this time was different too, less intense but lasted much longer. Symptoms are so unreliable and fickle. Coupled with those intense emotions and hormones..I hope this gives you a little comfort.

  3. Oh, E. Catching up just now … and I’m so sorry that this is where you are finding yourself. Maybe things WILL work out right now. But I know the familiar feeling, the thoughts of “well, maybe it would just be easier NOT to have another child.” Fear speaks with a very loud and convincing voice, and even if that’s the same conclusion that you’d arrive at with reason, it’s no less upsetting.

    I sent a package to you. It was premature, and I knew it, because I’ve been where you are, but perhaps you can find it in your heart to treasure it anyway, and that it will not be another source of pain for you.

  4. The only thing you can do is ride this out. The good feelings AND bad feelings. Hormones, fear, joy, love… there is a lot going on right now. Just ride it out. Abiding with you – and sending lots of hope into the universe.

    xoxo

  5. Holding on to hope that all is well – pregnancy certainly is a challenge and a daily (ok, minute to minute) exercise of faith and believing all is well. It’s very difficult. Will be thinking of you Tuesday and hoping all looks perfect!

  6. I think you read my mind from last July and posted exactly what I thought and went through and so much more clearly than I could have said it. Thinking of you and hoping all is well no matter what happens next.

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