Magnifying Glass

Pregnancy makes me anxious. I hate that I so desperately want a certain outcome and I have no control over ensuring that outcome. I hate that I love this baby so much and yet could so easily lose it. I hate that there are never any guarantees, not even when you’re 39 weeks. Not even after your baby is born.

The thing is, what I hate about pregnancy is really what I hate about life. It’s all the same things that make life so terrifying, pregnancy just puts a magnifying glass to them because the chances of losing what you love are so much higher when you’re pregnant. Pregnancy is just this intense reminder that we don’t have any control of the most important aspects of our life. We could lose our jobs, our home, our health, our loved ones, at any moment. We don’t fixate on it much because the chances are so small, but they are there, in the background, always taunting us.

The challenge of life is to accept the uncertainty and embrace–no, not just embrace but to really love–life anyway. The challenge of life is to live without fear of what might happen, to just be in the present moment without dwelling in the past or trying to determine the future. For me, that is a really difficult challenge.

Pregnancy takes the realization that we’re not in control and magnifies it. It’s so hard to realize we’re not in control. We think that we are. We work really hard and achieve our goals (mostly). We so rarely–if at all–have the rug pulled out from under us. It’s easy to assume that we are affecting real change in our lives. And of course cause and effect happens–working hard usually does offer its rewards. But there is this undercurrent that pushes us along and we don’t have any control over that. It can be almost imperceptible, especially if it’s pushing us in exactly the way we hope to go. It only becomes a palpable thing when that current pushes us off our chosen path, like with infertility, or when it sends us careening off a waterfall, as it feel like when we suffer a loss. Then we are forced to recognize that current–be it God or fate or the universe or just life, whatever you like to call it–and accept that we can’t do anything to fight it.

Pregnancy makes me anxious. I hate the constant reminder that nothing I hold dear is safe, that anything I love could be taken away, at any moment. For nine months that reality will be front and center, dictating the way I think and feel. It will be a pulsing force, unavoidable, impossible to ignore.

I hope I can use these nine months to work on accepting the uncertainty of life. To embrace all that I have without the fear of losing it. Because I have so much, so very, very much. My life is over following with love and abundance.

And even if I lose this pregnancy that will still be the case.

 

{Progesterone supplement update: I just wanted to let you all know that I decided to take progesterone. I got about two weeks worth from a ggmg mom through the forums. A blog reader in the area also sent me about two weeks worth and another friend did the same. So I have most of what I need already. Today my OB said she’d order me some so I’ll fill that Rx too (for a cheap co-pay) and use what I need of that and then hopefully send it someone else’s way when I don’t need what is left! Thank you all for your advice on all this. I really appreciate everyone’s input.}

8 responses

  1. Yes, this! I remember some moments of utter terror during my pregnancy with Tadpole (especially when I had some spotting early on). It helped to remember that the lack of control I had over the outcome of my pregnancy was an introduction to being a parent–we can’t protect our kids in utero, but we also aren’t powerful enough to protect them once they are out in the big scary world either. And that vulnerability is part of what makes each moment precious.

  2. This is a perfect explanation of how I feel. I so want to focus on the positive and just be happy there is life (hopefully) still growing in there. But the thought that it can all be gone in seconds scares the crap out of me. I’m trying not to get too attached to this baby until we have reached milestones, but it’s too late. Thank you for once again putting into words how I’m feeling! Thinking of you!

  3. Yes, I felt pregnancy was a particularly anxious time. It was a time in limbo, in between one world and the next, with so much out of my control… All things I am not good with. Working on, but still terrible at, giving up the illusion of control.

  4. True. But that doesn’t make the lack and loss any less real. Yes, we can choose what to focus on … but we also need to be gentle with ourselves when the uncertainty makes our hearts ache. *hug*

    • That’s the other part of it; accepting the pain when that is what we feel. Accepting it for what it is and not telling stories about it. Just feeling the physical manifestations of our grief and our uncertainty until they pass. That is the other very difficult challenge.

  5. “To embrace all that I have without the fear of losing it. ” Yes, absolutely. Because the only thing worse than losing all you have, would be failing (out of fear) to embrace it when you DID have it.

  6. I’ve heard lots of people say that being a mom is like having your heart walk around outside your body. I think this is so true. And in your case, although your little baby is still within your body, it has truly captured your heart. It is terrifying to love, especially the love of a mama for her child. I hope that you are able to find some measure of peace every single day during this pregnancy. I’ve struggled with anxiety quite a bit throughout my life. Here’s my post about it in case you’re interested:

    http://teachmetobraid.blogspot.com/2012/11/an-unwelcome-guest.html

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