Mi.Vida told his parents that we’re pregnant.

Their response?

“See.” (Said in a told-you-so voice.)

Not long ago, Mi.Vida’s father sat across from us and declared that what we needed to do was to just relax. If we could just manage that, we’d definitely get pregnant.

At the time I kept it together. In fact, I didn’t say a damn thing, but there was so much I wanted to say.

When I announced this pregnancy here I declared it a miracle. And I truly believe that it is. But it’s also something else. It’s a cliché.

This pregnancy is a fucking cliché. It happened the month we weren’t trying, the month we were “relaxed” as it were, the month we just let things happen without forcing them, without trying to control anything. We are that cliché, the one that urges people to advise those struggling to “just relax.”

Is that why we got pregnant? Because we weren’t trying? Is this pregnancy not a miracle that happened despite our diagnoses, but instead the inevitable result of us finally just relaxing? Could we have avoided all that heartbreak if we just didn’t care so much to begin with?

I will admit, I kind of hate being the cliché. I love the surprise nature of this pregnancy, I love that it happened without us thinking it ever could, but I hate that we’ve been relegated to the cliché. That we’ve become a reason for others to shove “just relax” down an infertile’s throat.

Blerg. Why does everything have to be so complicated?

12 responses

  1. That is so frustrating!!! Here’s my take: fertility is freaking mysterious. And complicated. But I don’t think AT ALL that “trying” has kept you from getting pregnant in the past. I was told to expect a fertility bump after my HSG, so it might have been that. But who knows. Personally, I don’t think you’re a cliche. Hugs.

  2. Ridiculous. Fertile people are so smug.
    I think it’s more likely that your tubes got a good “cleaning” from the hsg and made it easier for conception to occur. Who knows. Stress is bad, sure. But unless stress were the sole reason for your infertility (causing cycle problems, your husband’s sperm issues, etc), you can’t possibly claim that relaxing will fix anything beyond making you go a little less insane.
    I can only imagine the cliches that would have been flung our way if we had gotten pregnant after adopting. Infuriating.

  3. My friend tried for 2 years on her own, got the HSG, and was told the next three months would be their most fertile due to being cleared out. In the third month, they got pregnant. Not from relaxing, but from what doctors feel was the HSG.

    I don’t think you’re a cliche. You got lucky. Relaxing gets fertile people pregnant within the first 12 months of trying. It is not a cure for infertility. Your FIL is being a jerk and should be told to never say that again. 😉

  4. This is exactly how I felt – though I didn’t explain it as well – when I got pregnant with L. we were on vacation, after 27 cycles or so of trying, and we just had a lot of sex without a thought that it could actually lead to a pregnancy. And somehow, it happened. It didn’t mean that we were fixed (clearly!), but we did get so incredibly lucky that one cycle and it was so incredibly amazing and surreal.

  5. I too think the HSG probably blew some dust out of the old tubes. I had been holding out some hope for you because you did manage to conceive your daughter relatively easily. The diagnosis was daunting though. I also believe that fertility is a complicated, mysterious thing. Why did I get pregnant and carry to term after well over 50 cycles of trying and many miscarriages? No answers. I had my house full of foster kids when that happened and of course heard the really cliche stuff surrounding that. My step mom told me that she believed my “nurturing hormones” kicked in and made the pregnancy possible. Thanks, doc! I don’t see the harm in educating your FIL just a little should the subject come up again.

  6. Hmm….I would argue that you were trying very hard when it happened – you had put yourselves on a strict fertility diet, you were taking supplements, and weren’t you also going to acupuncture? Plus, you were looking into ART options…that doesn’t sound RELAXING at all to me. In fact, I know from experience it is most definitely not. I know it’s easier said than done, but in the end, trying or not, every baby born is a miracle and you know your truth – it doesn’t really matter what the rest of the world thinks.

    • You’re right Maddy. We were trying. We were doing a ton of shit to be ready. And it wasn’t very relaxing at all. Thank you for reminding me of that. I needed some perspective. 😉

  7. Ditto to lateforaveryimportantpregnancy. You may not have been actively “trying” with timed intercourse, but you were preparing your body, and have been along with your hubs for what was to come. I do believe the HSG may have been a factor along with everything else you were doing. that’s not relaxing, that’s a lot of work. You may not have been thinking about conceiving a child, but your body has been thinking about it with all your hard work. You’re not a cliche. You’re freaking lucky! 🙂

  8. Well, you know, you didn’t sound that relaxed to me. As someone else here said, you were trying pretty hard to do everything right, you were stressed about your diagnoses, and trying very hard to come to terms with that. None of that sounds relaxing to me! Even if you were slightly more relaxed than the previous month, were you more relaxed than the first, second or third month you were trying? I doubt it!

    The “just relax and it will happen” does infuriate me. I heard someone say that on a holiday I had last year – I didn’t take him to task, but wanted to point out that perhaps it was just lucky odds that meant it happened at that time. That cumulative efforts paid off!

    Anyway – however it happened, it is wonderful. For once, on the right side of the odds. The good news. I like that.

  9. Don’t discount all your hard work! The diet, the meditation…you were certainly trying. You may never know what it was that did the trick, but you are not a cliche unless you want to be…don’t worry about that silliness.

  10. First of all, I feel really sad about your father-in-law’s response to your pregnancy. So sorry he wasn’t more thrilled and shocked. (Maybe those emotions were part of it too, but his comment must have been so tough to hear.) I have worried about that same thing – if we get pregnant early on in our secondary infertility journey, we will become those people that everybody tells infertiles about. But the thing is, you worked for this pregnancy. It didn’t just happen magically because you relaxed. You did the supplements, the diet, etc. and YOU made your pregnancy happen.

  11. Both my pregnancies were somewhat cliche, too (one during a break cycle between IUI’s, one when I’d just started looking into seeing the RE again). So I know what you mean – I’d hate to have anybody look to me as an example of why you should “just relax.” because both times, there *were* other factors contributing to our success (a chemical pregnancy at my last IUI that probably affected my hormones the first time, weight loss the second time). Relaxing had little to do with it. It’s just that there are so many factors contributing to infertility, so many ducks that need to line up in order to get pregnant. We don’t really understand them all.

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