Current and Future Purpose

In the last two months since our diagnosis I’ve really felt like I had a purpose here on this blog. I was exploring our experiencing with infertility, a topic that isn’t frequently written about. I was also documenting our attempts at drastic diet change, along with intensive vitamin supplementation, to improve our fertility. I was sharing recipes and posting supplement lists and voicing my fears and insecurities. I felt my voice here had a purpose and I hoped that through this blog my struggle would really mean something, be useful to someone else.

Then I got pregnant and suddenly my purpose went up in smoke.

And now I’m not quite sure what to do with myself.

{And please don’t think I am complaining, because I absolutely am not. I am thrilled to be pregnant and I enthusiastically embrace all the existential crises–blogging and otherwise–that this pregnancy inspires.}

The thing is, I took great comfort in DOING SOMETHING with this space. And now I don’t really see what I could possibly accomplish here. When I look back at my posts during my first (successful) pregnancy, I cringe. It’s all so self involved, there is nothing of real substance there. I was an anxious, worried mess, hopped on up Zoloft and drowning in graduate school work. I am not proud of the person who wrote those posts. And even if I cut her a little slack, she certainly offers no guidance for how to proceed now.

I wrote a bit on this recently, on how when I held my second child in my arms I’d have arrived at the REST OF MY LIFE and I wouldn’t be able to hide behind any long standing goals anymore. Suddenly I would just be there, making it work day to day, without anything specific to work toward.

Well, I’m kind of there right now. Of course my second child is no where near safe in my arms, but as I wait to learn of his fate, I’m left with a giant hole in my life. I’m lacking a purpose, a goal. I’m not sure what to do with myself, with this space.

I don’t want to talk about pregnancy all the time (not just because I don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings but because I don’t want it to dominate my thoughts). I don’t want to lose myself in the minutia of symptoms and worry and fear. In fact, I want the opposite. Except I’m not sure what that is.

I’ve spent a lot of the past week reminding myself that the day to day, the minute to minute, is no different than it was. Except for the noticeable physical differences (mostly the icky gross feeling I have almost constantly) everything is just as it was. I still need to go to work. I still need to meet my daughters constant needs. I still need to tend to my relationship. I still need to feed my cat and take out the garbage and make dinner and do the dishes. 99% of my time is spent in exactly the same way it was before. The only way my life has changed is in my mind, in my perceived future.

And the reality is, when I have another child, the same will be true. In fact, my life will be harder. There will be more chores, more obligations, more responsibilities, less time to myself. Of course there will be more joy. And a greater sense of fulfillment. There will be the peace of knowing my family is complete. But those feelings will fade in the background of the day to day, minute to minute, realities of life.

So what is a girl to do? And, more importantly, what is she to write about? What does one do when she’s just waiting, when she is forced to find meaning in the meaningless? How does she make that interesting for others and for herself?

I guess I’m looking for a little inspiration.

6 responses

  1. I wish I had something to offer here, but I’m kind of feeling the same thing. I’ve kind of been avoiding my blog b/c I’m not sure what to write about and well, I’m trying to focus on my daughter. I’m excited beyond words to have her sibling growing in my belly, but I want to spend as much time as possible with her before this baby arrives. I have 9 months in which to do this. I will have pregnancy posts because well, that’s a pretty active part of my life, but it’s not everything. Last time, all we had was our pregnancy to write about. Now we have so many other things. I’m here to read whatever you write about…

  2. I had a hard time writing about my pregnancy during my pregnancy, so I get it, but I think you do a really good job of just letting your blog evolve organically, so I wouldn’t worry too much about what you are going to write about tomorrow, next month, or next year. It’s YOUR space- you write about whatever helps you process whatever’s going on at that particular time.

  3. I wrote about being afraid of what would happen. But you need to write about what moves you, too. The thing is … we forget that this space, though it’s public, is still ours. For us. Not for anyone else except the people who choose to read it. And people will choose to read your story because it’s your story, and because they want to know what happens. I think that’s the conclusion I’ve arrived at about my own blog. The down side is that I will likely never be rich or famous from my blog. But the positive side is that there may be a kernel of something that someone responds to on my blog, even if it’s not the same situation, that makes them feel a little less alone, that shifts the ground under them a little bit. Maybe that’s the nickel Mel was talking about today, too. xo

  4. I have really hard time writing during pregnancy which is why my blog has been pretty quiet as of late. I report hard facts, but I don’t like to dwell on the morning sickness and worry any more than what’s in my own head. It’s not what I like to focus on or who I want to be.

    No tips, just right there with ya!

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