Things I Tell Myself

Well I’m only 5w3d but I’m officially feeling pukey most of the time. I’m also a hormonal mess. Today I burst out crying at not one, not two, but three songs on the Bert and Ernie Sing-a-Long CD. None of them were the least bit sentimental.

The pregnancy symptoms are strange in that I’m glad I have them, but they don’t really make me feel any less anxious. I know so many women who had plenty of symptoms only to find out the heart wasn’t beating at their next ultrasound, so having the symptoms hardly guarantees anything. And yet if I didn’t have them I’d be a nervous wreck.

I’m trying so hard to embrace this pregnancy without making any assumptions about how it might turn out, but it’s hard. When my mind starts to wander to the dark places, when the panic sets in, I remind myself one of these four things. A lot of times I go through all of them:

This pregnancy is a gift, no matter what happens.

Everything is fine until you know otherwise.

Worrying won’t keep the bad things at bay, (or make them more tolerable if they do happen) it will only suck the joy out of the present moment.

You will eventually be okay, no matter what happens.

Those are my mantras. Those reminders are getting me through the day. Sometimes I can remind myself just once, other times I need to recite them all several times, but eventually I can get past my panic and accept the uncertainty. Or at least ignore it.

I’m also trying to sit with how scared I am, I’m trying to let myself feel it. How does my body feel when I assume the worst? How might I feel if the worst were to happen? When I allow myself to really feel those things I realize I can handle them, even if they seem unbearable.

It’s all so early, there are so many possibilities for things to go wrong. And yet, there is no reason to believe any of those things will happen. I just have to get through today, and then tomorrow, and then all the other hundreds of days stacked up until the end of this thing (and that’s if I’m very lucky).

I’m sorry for all the pregnancy-focused posts. I promise to stop that soon enough; I just need to get through these first few weeks.

4 responses

  1. Oh this post was so written for me today. It’s been a rough day for me. Thanks for reminding me to embrace and not panic.

  2. We talked in our fellowship today about the things we tell ourselves in order to plan or hope, and how they can complicate things, when sometimes what we really need is to stay grounded in the now. it was an interesting discussion … especially given that the now is sometimes a very terrifying place to be. The speaker’s point was basically that we need to learn to live with imperfection and an imperfect, flawed world. I get that … it’s very Buddhist … and yet … not so easy when you’re dealing with pregnancy after secondary infertility.

    One breath at a time. It’s all we can do.

  3. Yep, I’m adopting your mantras because they apply OH SO WELL to where I am at right now in my life. And focus on your pregnancy all you want. It is a freaking miracle and shout from the mountain tops. When I was pregnant with Raegan, I barely told anyone. I was so terrified of it blowing up in my face I couldn’t bare to share. But this time I’m going to do my best to enjoy every moment and share it, because well, I missed out on all of that last time.

    Thinking of you dear!

  4. You don’t have to apologize for the pregnancy-related posts or stop writing about your pregnancy. For one, pregnancy is part of infertility, a really important part that (I think) isn’t written about enough. Secondly, if that baby in your belly is on your brain, then I hope you feel the freedom to write about it.

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