Timing

Sometimes life comes down to timing.

A certain series of events is set in motion so that a perfect convergence of circumstances leads to an incredible result. Sometimes that result is good. Sometimes that result is devastating.

The housing market in our area has done a complete 180 since we starting looking 10 months ago. A perfect parallel of very limited inventory and incredibly low rates has created a viciously competitive¬†market: sellers rejoice and buyers beware. Banks are also cracking down on loans, not allowing for gift money or other special considerations. Our mortgage broker (who is refinancing my parents’s house) said we’d never get a loan if we were buying now. Oh, and we’d never be able to afford our house.

We are so lucky that we were looking when we did, that we put an offer on this house (despite having seen so few) and that we somehow managed to qualify for our loan. I thought we were lucky then, now I think we won the lottery.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the timing of this pregnancy. One aspect of that, of course, is when conception actually occurred. Everyone seems so sure I ovulated earlier than I thought I did. There are two pieces of data to support this: the fact that we only had sex on time, four days before I think I ovulated and the fact that my hCG level is so high (except even with an ovulation date three days prior, that number is still REALLY HIGH). Except I have another piece of data that clearly indicated I ovulated on another day. I don’t know why I care so much either way, I guess going against my BBT chart is like going against the foundation of my TTC attempts. If my charts cannot be trusted, there is no logic to the world. Of course, this pregnancy’s existence challenges that logic even more so.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about the timing of this pregnancy in the broader sense. I wonder, if we had just kept on trying instead of stopping to test, would we still be pregnant? Did the HSG open something? Did the nine days of birth control, which I thought messed everything up, actually create some weird opportunity? Or would it have happened anyway, regardless?

If we hadn’t tested we’d never have known just how high the deck was stacked against us. We never would have started the diet (at least Mi.Vida wouldn’t have participated) and we never would have felt the sick desperation of possibly never having another child.

We never would have considered ourselves infertile.

If we had waited just two months to start our testing, would we have side stepped all that heartache? Or did that testing, the information we received, lead us to the pregnancy we are celebrating today?

The only thing I do know is that I’m glad we found out, I’m glad we know what we’re up against, and I’m glad we can truly appreciate this pregnancy for the miracle that it is.

Timing is a strange thing. I wonder about it all the time. How many friendships have been forged because of perfect convergence of factors in both people’s lives? How many have fizzled when that convergence didn’t happen?

On Tuesday I had dinner with a mom in my neighborhood. She actually reached out to me–long ago– when she read my by-line in ggmg magazine, saying that we had moved to the Excelsior. We got together a few times, for brunch as two families and with other families at her house. I wasn’t sure we would really click; it’s hard to get to know a woman when 2.5 year olds are running the show. Then, at our last play date, I heard her make a comment to her best friend, who is pregnant with their second child. The friend chided her on not being pregnant yet, as they wanted to get a nannie share together when the babies were due. With pained desperation she answered, “I’m trying! I really am!”

I emailed her later and told her I had heard the comment to her friend and wanted her to know that we too had been having trouble. I offered to share my myriad books on conception and infertility and she jumped at the chance; to borrow my books and to talk about the SUCK that is trying to conceive. We made a dinner date and finally got together a few days ago.

It was a great dinner, I definitely felt like we clicked. The poor thing actually is probably experiencing a miscarriage as we speak. She had some confusing POAS experiences (both OPK and HCG) and thought she was having a short cycle but then realized she was pregnant and bleeding. She had a miscarriage the first cycle after they started trying for #2. That was six months ago. I could tell when we got together that she was wild with anger, confusion and grief over the probability that it was happening again. And she was also so relieved to have someone to talk to about it. Someone who understood.

You know how two people can come together because of IF and loss? I can definitely see that happening with us. But you know how two people can grow apart when one becomes pregnant and the other losses their pregnancy? Well that is just as likely. I wonder what will happen to our budding friendship. Will the binding of force of infertility bring us together? Or will that same force push us apart? It’s funny because the timing of her loss created fertile ground in which our friendship could flourish, and the timing of my pregnancy might rip that seedling out of the soil, killing it before it ever grew.

I wonder how timing will affect that friendship. I wonder how timing will affect our hopefully growing family. I wonder how timing will affect the rest of our lives.

Timing is such a tricksy thing.

5 responses

  1. Yes! I have a whole post about timing & how the timing of one event can effect the course of your life…I hope your budding friendship survives this. Its so hard to find kindred spirits these days. As for all the “what ifs”, its hard not to go there in your mind, but in the end it does not matter. The path you took was the path you were meant to take, heartbreak and all. All the lessons you are learning are shaping you & preparing you for what is ahead. I really do believe that.

  2. I really hope this won’t come off as some sort of religious “god works in mysterious ways” or something, but sometimes when I’m feeling optimistic and less cynical, I believe that maybe there is an order, an intelligence to this world and that things have a way of working out when they need to. We had a similar perfect timing moment when we met our surro. I had just agreed w/ my husband to pursue surrogacy and like the next day, I read her classified on SurroMomsOnline.

  3. Wow, you really are such a good writer. I love that piece about the fertile ground and the seedling. I’m sure this woman is so grateful to have you in her life, and although your pregnancy might take the relationship in a different direction than it would have gone had you not gotten pregnant, I hope you can still share this road. I especially hope that she is pregnant again soon.

  4. I think life comes down to timing over and over again. So many things had to happen JUST SO for B and me to meet – and it was all due to timing. I am a firm believer in fate and things happening at the right time.

    Your friendship may weather the storm, and it may not. But it’s good that you understand how it feels to be the person left behind during TTC efforts, because that makes you a very compassionate and understanding person if this friend just can’t be your friend right now. She’s lucky that you understand!

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