Either way, I’ll be okay

On Friday, I was given a wonderful gift. An incredible, profound, life-changing gift.

The things with gifts are, they can be given and they can be taken away.

And the other thing is, gifts can be taken at any moment. It could happen tomorrow or two months from now, or two days before the baby is due. It could even happen two days after he or she is born, or two months after. Or two years. The people we love can always be taken from us. There is never any guarantee.

I have never once, since seeing those two lines, considered a healthy pregnancy an inevitability. Mi.Vida and I did sit down, early on, to have a “what if this actually happens” conversation but only to make two important decisions that have to be made relatively soon. When we had figured those two things out, we stopped with that “what if this works” talk.

It’s not that we believe it won’t happen, we’re just not really considering either possibility right now. Right now I am 4w5d pregnant. It couldn’t be much more precarious than that. And yet even successful pregnancies have to start somewhere.

The truth is we just don’t know what is going to happen. And for some reason, I’m not super anxious about that.

For the first time in my life, I truly believe that no matter what, I will be okay. There may be searing pain, inconsolable grief, unfathomable loss, but some how, some way, I will get through. I will move through the darkness and find light on the other side. It may take months, years, half a lifetime, but I will be okay.

And the amazing thing about this gift is that part of it can never be taken away. This pregnancy has taught me that I have no idea what is possible, that I must always operate on the assumption that I’m just not cognizant of every possibility in my own life. This leaves space for limitless opportunities, both good and bad. It also leaves space for hope, even when I can’t see it with my own eyes.

It’s not that I believe that because we got pregnant we can get pregnant again, or that this pregnancy guarantees we can have another baby. It’s just that I realize now, that even if I can’t see a possible resolution, one might make itself known, out of nowhere, at any time.

I’m not going to pretend like I don’t already love the potential life inside of me. I will be devastated if this pregnancy ends prematurely. But I will also be okay. Some how, some way, I will be okay. And knowing that brings me peace.

All of you, you helped me arrive at this acceptance. You ensured that no matter what, this pregnancy will be something I cherish forever as a profoundly positive thing in my life. You also helped me see, helped me really believe, that with the support of this community, I can do anything.

I promise after this post I won’t be blathering on about my pregnancy. I just needed to get this out there now, so that I have it later, in case I need it. 😉

14 responses

  1. This is a beautiful post. What a gift to remind us all that while we aren’t always in control of what happens in our lives, we can be open to the beauty and love and happiness of what we’re given, whether it be good or bad .Also, I am sure that I’ll be one among many readers who say that we’ll continue reading and supporting you no matter what you “blather” on about.

  2. That is a super considerate intention in your last paragraph, which I know will be supremely appreciated by some, but I for one am really looking forward to some blathering! I’m sure you wouldn’t do it constantly, but if you feel blather-y, I say…blather! (I’m in love with that word for some reason right now.)

  3. Dduring my pregnancy, I had a hard time with blogging about it too. But at some point, your blog is about YOU, and if that’s what’s on your mind, you should be able to write about it. Also, I think anyone who reads your blog wants you to get pregnant, wants to see things work out for you. So please share your journey with us.

    Side note: I had my gallbladder out yesterday, and as I was coming out of the anesthesia, trying to figure out where I was and what time it was, one of the first things I remembered was that you were pregnant. Clearly I’m very excited. 🙂

  4. You are right- every pregnancy, every baby, started out at 4 weeks. Yes it could end. Yes that would be horrible. But it could succeed. This might be it. And I love that little baby inside you already too! And I love your attitude that you will be ok. I have learned that too, with regards to Grayson’s life. However long or not I have with him, I will eventually be ok. And I for one hope you do write about your pregnancy. 🙂

  5. It is amazing the things we learn when miracles like this happen! It can really rattle our worlds, actually, and make us doubt things that we’ve always believed to be true. I love that your world has been rocked for the better – that you’ve found hope in such a WONDERFUL way!

    You just go on and write about what you want, when you want!

  6. Wow! What amazing news! I am so thrilled for you guys, for this surprise. And yes, as you mention, gifts may be taken away, but then again, so may easily-obtained things. You just also get the benefit of realizing how precious your gift is, given your circumstances. Even if that gift is taken away, it’s still nice to get it all the same. And yes, I’m going to hold some hope for you over here that this is the one, that the little fetbryo sticks around to be the family completion you’ve been waiting for. You are so right that *all* pregnancies start somewhere– right where you are now.

  7. I like this in so many ways. I like it because of the knowledge it gives you for the future – knowing you will be okay, whatever happens, however wonderful or horrible. That’s one of the great gifts I feel I got from my experiences, and it has stayed with me.

    I like it too because you are treasuring what you have right now. I too treasure the memories of my pregnancies. They were times when I was happy, full of love, and promise, even while recognising that the gift we had was not guaranteed. But you know, that is a gift I still treasure, ten years later.

  8. You so eloquently put words to the feelings so many of us have felt while pregnant, especially early on. What you said about “every pregnancy has to start somewhere” is so true. You are surrounded by a supportive community that’s backing you up through this journey.

  9. So many congratulations, I’m thrilled to read your news. This post rings with peace and acceptance, which I know you strive for. Very happy for that as well.

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