On Friday, I was given a wonderful gift. An incredible, profound, life-changing gift.
The things with gifts are, they can be given and they can be taken away.
And the other thing is, gifts can be taken at any moment. It could happen tomorrow or two months from now, or two days before the baby is due. It could even happen two days after he or she is born, or two months after. Or two years. The people we love can always be taken from us. There is never any guarantee.
I have never once, since seeing those two lines, considered a healthy pregnancy an inevitability. Mi.Vida and I did sit down, early on, to have a “what if this actually happens” conversation but only to make two important decisions that have to be made relatively soon. When we had figured those two things out, we stopped with that “what if this works” talk.
It’s not that we believe it won’t happen, we’re just not really considering either possibility right now. Right now I am 4w5d pregnant. It couldn’t be much more precarious than that. And yet even successful pregnancies have to start somewhere.
The truth is we just don’t know what is going to happen. And for some reason, I’m not super anxious about that.
For the first time in my life, I truly believe that no matter what, I will be okay. There may be searing pain, inconsolable grief, unfathomable loss, but some how, some way, I will get through. I will move through the darkness and find light on the other side. It may take months, years, half a lifetime, but I will be okay.
And the amazing thing about this gift is that part of it can never be taken away. This pregnancy has taught me that I have no idea what is possible, that I must always operate on the assumption that I’m just not cognizant of every possibility in my own life. This leaves space for limitless opportunities, both good and bad. It also leaves space for hope, even when I can’t see it with my own eyes.
It’s not that I believe that because we got pregnant we can get pregnant again, or that this pregnancy guarantees we can have another baby. It’s just that I realize now, that even if I can’t see a possible resolution, one might make itself known, out of nowhere, at any time.
I’m not going to pretend like I don’t already love the potential life inside of me. I will be devastated if this pregnancy ends prematurely. But I will also be okay. Some how, some way, I will be okay. And knowing that brings me peace.
All of you, you helped me arrive at this acceptance. You ensured that no matter what, this pregnancy will be something I cherish forever as a profoundly positive thing in my life. You also helped me see, helped me really believe, that with the support of this community, I can do anything.
I promise after this post I won’t be blathering on about my pregnancy. I just needed to get this out there now, so that I have it later, in case I need it. 😉