On Friday morning, for some reason I still can’t fathom, I peed on a stick. And for some reason I still can’t fathom, I saw two very clear pink lines. To make sure it wasn’t a mistake, I also used an FRER and there again, were those two pink lines.
I was dumbstruck. We didn’t even really try this cycle. We only had sex once, FOUR DAYS before I ovulated. I never in a million years though we’d get pregnant that cycle, what with Mi.Vida’s bum sperm and my hostile, mucous-free vagina and limited eggs. How could they possibly hang out until O time?
There was no reason to think I was pregnant. My temperature on Thursday morning was 97.9, the exact temperature it always is the day of my period. And my period was due that day so it all added up. But then my period didn’t come. When I went to the bathroom Friday morning I peed in a Dixie cup and when there was still no blood on my TP, I dropped an internet cheapy into my pee.
I still can’t believe the results.
It is, of course, very early. Anything could happen and it probably will. But none of that matters. This pregnancy is a gift whether it ends nine days or nine months from now. This pregnancy is a miracle that we were told would most likely never happen even under the best of circumstances and somehow managed to take place under the worst of circumstances. This pregnancy is a gift, a lesson in hope.
This pregnancy has turned everything I believed was true on its head. I don’t know up from down anymore and even if this all ends tomorrow, I still won’t know up from down. This pregnancy is such a gift, I can’t possibly want anything else from it
Right now I am pregnant. I. am. pregnant.
I know this news is really difficult for many people reading my blog, especially the drive-by nature of it. And I am sorry. I’m sorry for how unfair it is that you are still struggling. I’m sorry for the hurt this news has caused you. I’m sorry for the suffering you have to endure. I’m just so, so sorry for all of it. I wish more than anything, even more than a healthy pregnancy for myself, that others didn’t have to endure the hell that is infertility; that it didn’t mark their lives, and their families, forever.
For now I am cautiously optimistic but I’m trying my hardest to go about things as usual. We’re sticking to the diet, though I’m cutting out all the supplements except for the pre-natal vitamin and the Omega-3/DHA. Mi.Vida will keep taking all his vitamins at least until March 13, when I go in for an ultrasound (Mi.Vida is out of town but Jjiraffe said she’d go with me).
I’m not sure if I’ll get a beta test done. My RE wants one but if my Kaiser doctor doesn’t order the test it will cost me $150. I know from my ectopic that doubling betas don’t ensure anything and honestly, I don’t want to get caught up in numbers. Anything could happen, no matter what those numbers say so I’ll probably just wait it out. I’m trying to take each day, each breath, as it comes. And so far, I seem to be succeeding.
Abiding with all of you.