An Unexpected Miracle

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On Friday morning, for some reason I still can’t fathom, I peed on a stick. And for some reason I still can’t fathom, I saw two very clear pink lines. To make sure it wasn’t a mistake, I also used an FRER and there again, were those two pink lines.

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I was dumbstruck. We didn’t even really try this cycle. We only had sex once, FOUR DAYS before I ovulated. I never in a million years though we’d get pregnant that cycle, what with Mi.Vida’s bum sperm and my hostile, mucous-free vagina and limited eggs. How could they possibly hang out until O time?

There was no reason to think I was pregnant. My temperature on Thursday morning was 97.9, the exact temperature it always is the day of my period. And my period was due that day so it all added up. But then my period didn’t come. When I went to the bathroom Friday morning I peed in a Dixie cup and when there was still no blood on my TP, I dropped an internet cheapy into my pee.

I still can’t believe the results.

It is, of course, very early. Anything could happen and it probably will. But none of that matters. This pregnancy is a gift whether it ends nine days or nine months from now. This pregnancy is a miracle that we were told would most likely never happen even under the best of circumstances and somehow managed to take place under the worst of circumstances. This pregnancy is a gift, a lesson in hope.

This pregnancy has turned everything I believed was true on its head. I don’t know up from down anymore and even if this all ends tomorrow, I still won’t know up from down. This pregnancy is such a gift, I can’t possibly want anything else from it

Right now I am pregnant. I. am. pregnant.

I know this news is really difficult for many people reading my blog, especially the drive-by nature of it. And I am sorry. I’m sorry for how unfair it is that you are still struggling. I’m sorry for the hurt this news has caused you. I’m sorry for the suffering you have to endure. I’m just so, so sorry for all of it. I wish more than anything, even more than a healthy pregnancy for myself, that others didn’t have to endure the hell that is infertility; that it didn’t mark their lives, and their families, forever.

For now I am cautiously optimistic but I’m trying my hardest to go about things as usual. We’re sticking to the diet, though I’m cutting out all the supplements except for the pre-natal vitamin and the Omega-3/DHA. Mi.Vida will keep taking all his vitamins at least until March 13, when I go in for an ultrasound (Mi.Vida is out of town but Jjiraffe said she’d go with me).

I’m not sure if I’ll get a beta test done. My RE wants one but if my Kaiser doctor doesn’t order the test it will cost me $150. I know from my ectopic that doubling betas don’t ensure anything and honestly, I don’t want to get caught up in numbers. Anything could happen, no matter what those numbers say so I’ll probably just wait it out. I’m trying to take each day, each breath, as it comes. And so far, I seem to be succeeding.

Abiding with all of you.

65 responses

  1. Long time reader, first time commenter…and this warrants a comment! Huge congratulations! What a shock. Totally didn’t see that coming. Re checking hcg – maybe you could get them done, but ask not to know the actual number? After obsessing over hcg values during my first two unsuccessful pregnancies, I asked the nurses not to share the actual hcg numbers for my third, but just give me a ‘good’ or whatever. The RE got the info she needed, and I got to keep my sanity.

  2. CONGRATULATIONS! This is wonderful news! I am really, really happy for you!

    Also, I know you plan to stop the supplements, but Vitex is known to help keep hormone levels stable during pregnancy and can be safely taken through the first trimester to help prevent miscarriage. My midwife was advising me to take it. Talk to your doctor, obviously, but you may want to consider staying on it.

  3. Esperanza, I am SOOO happy for you! I hope all continues to go well. And I think, if you’re getting an ultrasound in 3 weeks, don’t spend the $ ona beta (although think of all the $ you’l be saving on supplements).

    This is so wonderful.

  4. That is beyond fantastic. I hoped, of course, when you mentioned things were a little off schedule … I will still be here thinking of you all. I am just so thrilled for you both. Xoxo. Pam

  5. Congrats! I had a feeling…you foreshadowed it with your confusion about your period not coming, sore boobs. So so happy for you all! Enjoy this. You are absolutely allowed to enjoy it

  6. Ahhh! I did not comment on your post about your impending period because I had this GUT FEELING! Huge congrats and I’m proud of you for resisting the beta game. An ultrasound in two weeks will tell you so much more. !!!! Big hugs!

  7. I don’t know what to say! I am just so thrilled for you! CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Look at you getting a surprise pregnancy after being told the chances were so slim when trying! Miracle indeed!!!!

    I wondered last week when you mentioned your late period, but I certainly wasn’t going to go THERE! HA!

    Oh my gosh, I am so excited for you!!!

  8. Delurking to say CONGRATULATIONS! Great news and I’m so very happy for you! And it’s so ironic how things work. Enjoy every minute, as I’m sure you will. Yay!

  9. Congratulations! I also discovered two, VERY unexpected pink lines recently…it has been a total shock and I think I won’t really be able to accept it as real till I know all is well and likely to end in an actual baby. We are keeping it quiet for now, so I haven’t been able to blog about it, but wow, just wow. I imagine you must be feeling pretty similarly.

  10. I’m checking my reader as my hubs has taken my daughter so I could have a minute alone & this is what I read first! I’m so over the moon thrilled for you. I too know its early & things can change in a second, but this little miracle is a light at the end of the tunnel. You know your body can work! I will keep you & this little one in my thoughts and prayers!!! Congrats! I’m so excited for you!!!

    And I know it’s hard not to feel guilty, I’m an expert at guilt, but stop apologizing & revel in this miracle! We’re all hoping for the same goal…someof us get there faster…it’s luck & this was your lucky time ((((hugs))))

  11. Congratulations. Very happy for u. The same thing happened with me when i got pregnant with danny. We had sex once that cycle, on CD 9! Hoping against hope miracle baby # 2 happens too. Congratulations again. YOu deserve all d happines.

  12. Oh, I am SO happy for you! I realize it may be premature, so I will refrain from using the C-word in case you hate that, but I hope that this ends up being a perfectly textbook, boring as hell, normalnormalnormal next 38 or so weeks for you!

  13. Oh Esperanza, YAY! I gotta say, I had that brief thought after you mentioned your long LP that maybe, just maybe you were pregnant. I’m so happy for you! When I read this post I just sighed in relief for you and a huge smile spread across my face. Awesome.
    I’ll be praying for you and the baby – for a healthy pregnancy and birth :).

  14. I am so unbelievably happy for you and your family! I love the way you wrote this post/shared your news. I love your attitude and perspective. I agree, no matter what happens, this pregnancy is a gift and I am so glad you get to hold it close inside of you. Sending so much love, thoughts, prayers and sticky vibes your way. xoxo

  15. This is lovely. And after your last posts, when you were late, I was starting to suspect/hope. I’m going to whisper my congratulations – saving up the shouts for a few weeks!

  16. Yay! Being a low AMHer myself who finally got a BFP after IUI, I love seeing that you got it with a natural cycle. Woohoo! It gives hope to all of the ladies who’ve been told that low AMH is the end of the road (not to mention the male factor πŸ™‚ Wishing you the best!!

  17. Congratulations!!! So exciting! Long time reader…I’ve been so hopeful for you that you would get a surprise like this before having to make any of those big decisions about treatments. Wishing you all the best!

  18. Pingback: Disoriented | Too Many Fish to Fry

  19. I can’t begin to tell you how thrilled I am for you…and, each and every one of my children were conceived when I had sex 4 to 5 days before ovulation…right at the beginning of the fertile period (yeah, I sadly know what a joke that fertile period is to those of us in the infertile community). But, what I’m trying to say in a clumsy manner is I AM OVER THE MOON FOR YOU!

  20. So very happy for you and your family. I think the diet changes helped!! I know they helped me conceive my second. Congratulations on your little miracle :-).

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