Some days are harder than others.
Some days are really hard.
Yesterday was one of those days.
It was a culmination of a lot of things. All little things, but together they managed to weigh me down. And that’s okay. I can sit with this sadness. I am strong enough to wait it out.
On Tuesday I visited a friend who returned my maternity clothes to me. She had asked if I was ready to take them back, offering to hang on to them longer if I needed her to. I knew she was moving soon and I was going to have to take them back at some point so I figured I might as well do it now. So on Tuesday I loaded them into my trunk, wondering if I’d ever wear them again.
I bought a lot of maternity clothes. Before my friend borrowed them they were taking up space in my parents’ garage, but when I dug them out I was informed they would not be welcome back again.
At our new house we do have space for the clothes, but just barely. It’s hard to justify keeping so many maternity clothes (two big Costco bags) when the chance of me needing them again is so slim. I’m not sure what to do with them and their presence is a reminder of where we are and where we may never be.
When I got home with the maternity clothes there was an invitation to my friends’ wife’s baby shower. For her second baby. Because….. ?!?!?!? Seriously, WTF?! I didn’t think people even did that, except for under extenuating circumstances. Two kids under two doesn’t seem like reason to have a baby shower. Needless to say the invitation was a punch to the gut. Luckily Mi.Vida is out of town that weekend so it will be easy to avoid it, but still, I wish I didn’t even know it was happening.
This morning an email appeared in my inbox, congratulating us on our daughter’s placement into the most popular, impossible to get into preschool coop in the city. Mi.Vida is an alumni of this preschool and his mom worked there for many years (which is why we got in). We signed up long ago, when we expected I’d be home next school year with a newborn and would want to send Isa to an affordable, half-day preschool. Of course now it’s impossible for us to accept the spot and while we weren’t even sure we would have anyway, it’s hard to know we don’t have any choice. So many choices have been taken from us, and this is just one more opportunity we don’t get to consider.
My reader is currently overflowing with women who are pregnant with or just welcoming their second children. Ten women and counting are continuing to build their families while we’re stuck in limbo, with little chance of having that for ourselves. It’s hard to see their success as a reason to hope when they (for the most part) achieved their pregnancies through methods we just can’t take advantage of. It’s not that I’m jealous, it’s just hard to be reminded, on a daily basis, that others are able to have children via means that aren’t at our disposable. It causes me to resent our limitations more than I think I would otherwise. I love these women and I want to follow their stories but it’s hard to do so when I’m stuck here, without much hope.
I know this is a lame-ass woe-is-me post. And I know my life isn’t that bad. I know this situation isn’t that bad. Honestly, I have a lot of great perspective on our struggles; I am very much aware of how much harder most people have it. I think that perspective has helped me handle this situation with the grace that I show most of the time. There are just some days when I get a like this, and I’m not going to beat myself up about it. It’s okay to feel this way some of the time. As long as it doesn’t become a regular occurrence I’m going to accept it without making myself feel bad for it.
Things have been so quiet lately. Even the blogosphere is making me sad. So tell me: What are you up to? Are you having a down day? Or an up day? Or something in between?