Down Days

Some days are harder than others.

Some days are really hard.

Yesterday was one of those days.

It was a culmination of a lot of things. All little things, but together they managed to weigh me down. And that’s okay. I can sit with this sadness. I am strong enough to wait it out.

On Tuesday I visited a friend who returned my maternity clothes to me. She had asked if I was ready to take them back, offering to hang on to them longer if I needed her to. I knew she was moving soon and I was going to have to take them back at some point so I figured I might as well do it now. So on Tuesday I loaded them into my trunk, wondering if I’d ever wear them again.

I bought a lot of maternity clothes. Before my friend borrowed them they were taking up space in my parents’ garage, but when I dug them out I was informed they would not be welcome back again.

At our new house we do have space for the clothes, but just barely. It’s hard to justify keeping so many maternity clothes (two big Costco bags) when the chance of me needing them again is so slim. I’m not sure what to do with them and their presence is a reminder of where we are and where we may never be.

When I got home with the maternity clothes there was an invitation to my friends’ wife’s baby shower. For her second baby. Because….. ?!?!?!? Seriously, WTF?! I didn’t think people even did that, except for under extenuating circumstances. Two kids under two doesn’t seem like reason to have a baby shower. Needless to say the invitation was a punch to the gut. Luckily Mi.Vida is out of town that weekend so it will be easy to avoid it, but still, I wish I didn’t even know it was happening.

This morning an email appeared in my inbox, congratulating us on our daughter’s placement into the most popular, impossible to get into preschool coop in the city. Mi.Vida is an alumni of this preschool and his mom worked there for many years (which is why we got in). We signed up long ago, when we expected I’d be home next school year with a newborn and would want to send Isa to an affordable, half-day preschool. Of course now it’s impossible for us to accept the spot and while we weren’t even sure we would have anyway, it’s hard to know we don’t have any choice. So many choices have been taken from us, and this is just one more opportunity we don’t get to consider.

My reader is currently overflowing with women who are pregnant with or just welcoming their second children. Ten women and counting are continuing to build their families while we’re stuck in limbo, with little chance of having that for ourselves. It’s hard to see their success as a reason to hope when they (for the most part) achieved their pregnancies through methods we just can’t take advantage of. It’s not that I’m jealous, it’s just hard to be reminded, on a daily basis, that others are able to have children via means that aren’t at our disposable. It causes me to resent our limitations more than I think I would otherwise. I love these women and I want to follow their stories but it’s hard to do so when I’m stuck here, without much hope.

I know this is a lame-ass woe-is-me post. And I know my life isn’t that bad. I know this situation isn’t that bad. Honestly, I have a lot of great perspective on our struggles; I am very much aware of how much harder most people have it. I think that perspective has helped me handle this situation with the grace that I show most of the time. There are just some days when I get a like this, and I’m not going to beat myself up about it. It’s okay to feel this way some of the time. As long as it doesn’t become a regular occurrence I’m going to accept it without making myself feel bad for it.

Things have been so quiet lately. Even the blogosphere is making me sad. So tell me: What are you up to? Are you having a down day? Or an up day? Or something in between?

12 responses

  1. Hi, friend!

    I’m still here, just going through some things that I’ll share soon on my blog. Things are fine, but stressful.

    There should not have been an invitation for that shower because it is STILL unacceptable to have another baby shower after your first baby. How incredibly strange and… Selfish. I would not be sending a gift. No way!

    Bad days happen. I think it’s normal to see more bad days than good given where you are in your IF journey. When I was where you are, good days were sparse.. Like one a week. I’m not kidding. B would agree.

    Keep those maternity clothes. For now, keep them. Just put them where you won’t see them until a final decision is made on keeping them or not!

    Sent from my Windows Phone ________________________________

  2. This sounds really, really tough. We have just started trying for our second and I’m already starting to feel some of the stuff you mentioned. My heart goes out to you. Also, I’m against second baby showers. I just don’t get the point.

  3. Ugh, I hate how things that trigger sadness always seem to come all at once, in threes. I am so sorry for your hard day, and don’t ever apologize for venting- it’s what we are here for. I also say keep the maternity clothes thing- maybe get some of those vacuum storage bags and store them flat under a bed so they won’t take up too much room or be seen and trigger sadness?

    As for the baby shower thing- I’m not sure I understand. I had a shower for my second- not a huge blowout- I mostly got diapers and wipes- but it was so nice to celebrate with friends, many whom I’ve met since my first pregnancy. I do have a friend who had just gone through a failed IVF cycle and I made sure I called her prior to sending the invite – I wanted her to know I understood if she didn’t come (she didn’t) but wanted her to feel included. I guess I just don’t understand what’s wrong with having another shower- maybe it’s just a ‘thing’ here???

    I really hope today is a better day for you, filled with good things- hugs

    • I really don’t know if the 2nd baby shower is or isn’t a thing. I didn’t think people had second showers since they already had everything they needed and that is kind of the point of the shower. That is why I thought you might have one if there was a big space in between, in case the person had thrown/given everything away. But I could be wrong. I don’t have many friends with kids so I don’t know how these things work.

      • I guess for me, it’s more about celebrating the mom and baby rather than about the gifts. Most of my friends have showers (or “sprinkles”) for second babies, but we mostly get diapers and clothes or gift cards.

      • I can see doing that. Again, I don’t know where I got the idea that people didn’t do baby showers for their second children but I did at some point and I was operating under that assumption, so to get that invitation was really hard. I just wasn’t expecting it. But I don’t begrudge women for having second baby showers. I’m sure I will want to celebrate any future child I might be lucky enough to have. 😉

  4. I would still keep the maternity clothes. I have one shirt that I bought on sale right after I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I think I’m going to keep it for the rest of my life. I don’t really see us having a miracle pregnancy but I just can’t let it go.

    My SIL had a shower for her fifth pregnancy. Yes, her FIFTH pregnancy. I had heard of sprinkles for second babies if they’re another gender but not anything past that. SIL took it to the extreme with her pregnancies.

    I’ve been going through good and bad days recently. Things are moving forward for us and it’s looking good but I can’t help thinking about what we’re losing. It’s tough some days. I just have to keep telling myself that tomorrow will be better. It’s the only way I get through the bad days.

  5. So far, things are all right here. I’m trying to avoid panic about Monday’s scary exam. At least today I’m succeeding mostly. I keep being shocked that there’s a baby here, needing things, that she’s real.

    I would say around here, it’s considered bad form to have a full-on baby shower for not-first babies unless there’s a big gap. Many folk will do a blessing way (gifts for baby not expected) or a sprinkle (especially if baby is the other gender). Hugs to you in this hard time. Take care of yourself first so you can enjoy life and others and help care for those around you.

  6. ugh, what a day. Maternity clothes and a baby shower invite for a 2nd baby, OUCH! I’m so sorry, K. I’ve only been invited to one 2nd baby sprinkle (but it was basically a shower) for a girl who had babies 3 yrs apart. Weirder to have it for someone who will have 2u2.

    hope today was better. xo

  7. Ugh. I’m sorry all of that is piling on at once. I didn’t think people had showers for 2nd babies, until I was invited to a bunch at work—it was usually a lunch or dinner out, and either gifts for the mom, or very simple baby gifts (a new baby book, a handmade blanket), or even gifts for the big sib. so not really for “gear” but more to celebrate the mother/family.
    Definitely keep the clothes. I STILL keep mine. They are in a big rubbermaid container in the boys’ closet, underneath other rubbermaid containers full of newborn and other outgrown clothes that I also must keep.
    As for me, I am doing OK. Neither up nor down today. But its been a down week overall with really really challenging behavior from the 3-year-old (seriously he knows buttons I never knew I had and pushes them repeatedly) and poor sleep from the little one.
    Coast-to-coast hugs to you, E.

  8. I’m having a down week. Anxious, near tears. I keep wondering why, and then I just remembered, I’m going to a baby shower Saturday. Ha. Thank you for that revelation. At least I know why.
    Love to you.

  9. Wow, that sounds really hard. I’m finding that the decision-making about material objects feels huge–like the tubs of clothes that Tad has outgrown that are still waiting in the basement for this sibling we hope he’ll have someday. Or the almost-empty containter of prenatal vitamins that Roo passed on to me. Hang in there! Every day won’t be like today.

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